the plaintiff: mesut from monona, wisconsin. dark hair, grey slacks, sheen-y black button down shirt straight out of spring 1998’s express for men bottle-service-at-the-club collection.
the defendant: lisa from oconomowoc, wisconsin. lisa looks like a barbie doll, and when i say that i mean it as a fucking compliment. she’s blond and tan and smiling uncomfortably and wearing a black dress with a periwinkle cardigan, with an accordion of truth™ tucked discreetly under her arm.
the complaint: mesut and lisa dated after meeting online
what does he want: $498 for negligence and damage to a garage door.
how it went down: mesut met lisa on a “dating website,” and is there a legal reason these folks never say on which site they encountered each other? i feel like that is information that we, the judges, need to have in order to get a full picture of the case being presented to us. like if you’re fucking around on plenty of fish with bumble expectations (that’s a good one, right?) then i feel like we need to know that! ok so on their first date they met up for drinks and mesut told lisa that since he was working and going to school full time (worth noting: these people look fifty) he didn’t want to commit to a monogamous relationship. hmm, nobody ever took a class and had a goddamn girlfriend at the same time before? wild.
that said, i respect this kind of honesty. it is truly a kindness when someone is like “hey, don’t expect a motherfucking thing from me, ok?” she agreed to this casual relationship (uh oh) and after the initial date they continued texting, which quickly turned to sexting. they sporadically dated over the course of what sounds like several years; two months on, one year off, something like that. for years. they’d hang out, watch a movie, get drunk, and have sex. sweet fucking deal. mesut says that it was all good except that lisa’s personality changes when she’s drinking, that she’s a mean drunk. lisa defends herself by saying she is, in fact, a lovable drunk, but that she can get mean when someone is lying to her. man i knew all that buttery shit about this being cool, casual, and noncommittal was a fallacy.
lisa starts telling her side of the story, which sounds a lot like mesut’s: met on a dating app (ah! it’s an app! is okcupid the only website slash app? could it be the one?!) and they started dating on-and-off for a couple years. greg asks if they break up regularly because they fall out, and lisa says no it’s because mesut says he’s so busy and doesn’t have time for her. been there dated that, sis. she said it was confusing because he’d insist that they be exclusive, just not consistent. THIS MAKES MY HEART HURT. y’all know that dying alone is absolutely fine, right. get a dog and a 401k, don’t subject yourself to this bullshit!
one friday night (the only night he could see her) lisa made dinner and greg interrupts her to say “ma’am, i’m just gonna tell you: he has a wife and three kids. if you don’t know, i know. i ain’t never met him in my life but i know that.” the courtroom explodes and i almost dropped my fucking laptop laughing at that shit. girl, duh! he’s in “school” and can “only see you on fridays?” no shame, we’ve all fallen for that okey doke, but the only thing this dude is studying is s c a m m i n g. ok so everybody regains their composure and lisa continues that they’re sitting there having fun and drinking drinks when all of a sudden his tinder app (THERE WE GO) goes off. ding ding ding, mesut has a new match! lisa gets an attitude, he gets mad, they start arguing, and he fled.
the ruling: mesut says that it’s funny that lisa got mad at the sound of his tinder notification going off, because to know the sound means she had to still be active on it, too! this is a tangent but you’re used to this shit from me so it’s fine, BUT: we gotta get to a place where we can be straight up with people about what we want and need from them so soul-crushing shit like this doesn’t happen. is it terrifying to say “ok homie, for me to have sex with you i can’t pretend to be a cool, nonchalant girl who doesn’t care about all the other potential sex partners living in your phone” to a person you want to like you? OF COURSE, BITCH. but the alternative is this, getting drunk with a dude you started a situationship with three years ago and fucking up his garage then having to fight with him on syndicated afternoon television. which is actually scarier?!
before this incident mesut invited lisa over to his house and she accidentally drove her car into the garage door. maybe these motherfuckers should stop drinking so much. anyway, she agreed to pay to get the door fixed and split the payment in two. but after she paid the first half TINDERGATE happened and she was like “lol fuck that i’m not paying shit.” lisa’s story is that mesut told her she just needed to replace a panel, not the entire door, and that it would cost between one and three hundred dollars. but then she screwed herself by paying half the $900 door cost agreeing to pay the rest. when greg asks her why she didn’t pay she said “because i am a woman scorned.” put that on my tombstone!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “y’all sexted? how far did you live from each other? i always wonder, when people talk about sexting…why don’t you just go over?!”
*bangs gavel*