A QUALITY ESSAY??

ok sweety

a few days ago i got a message from a stranger who signed up for this newsletter for free (trust me, i don’t care but that part is important) asking me to “remove her from [my] mailing list,” a hilarious request in the year of our lord 2020, if for no other reason than girl the unsubscribe button is right fucking there??? there’s nothing on earth easier than unsubscribing from something????? i mean, if you use gmail you don’t even have to click out of the tab i mean they literally put the option right there in your email???????
chief among her complaints about the (free) email newsletter she signed up for (for free) was that somehow she was under the impression that i’d be sending out thoughtful, well-crafted essays every single day???????????????? first of all, I DO. second, you get what you (don’t) pay for. i understand that everybody wants to feel heard or whatever but trust me, no one who makes a thing wants to hear what you don’t like about it, so never tell them. until i get the power to beam my words directly into your eyeballs without permission, just turn to your partner and say “this newsletter sucks! even though i was warned that it was going to be pure garbage, i’m angry that it actually is” and let them deal with ya. i’m tired!
anyway, that’s a long way of saying thank you all for subscribing to my (very bad) newsletter, and if you don’t like it that’s okay! just please call the owner of google directly and ask him to remove you from this list, i can’t do it for you because i don’t understand how the internet works, pls i am a moron.

books
okay i don’t know if you’ve heard of read a book with kara yet, BUT: kara brown, my beloved, has started a book club and yesterday she and janet mock (!!!!!!!) and i connected virtually to discuss the first book, their eyes were watching god by zora neale hurston. it’s free to sign up and you can hang with two smart people and me on your computer and laugh every time i tried to make myself sound like i know how to read. i don’t know how to discuss anything in a thoughtful and/or intelligent way, so i bought a new shirt and put blush on! at the very least i looked nice while sounding like a dumb bitch.

monday august 3 (tomorrow, if i get this out in time) i have the honor of interviewing raven leilani about her incredible debut novel luster, which i loved very much and am very excited is coming into the world this week. if you wanna listen to us talk about poop and sex you can register to watch us here. also you could just get the book without suffering through watching my nervous giggling in real time, but i did buy a new blouse if you’re interested in seeing me in something other than a dirty sweatshirt!

snacks
i made a food! i cooked! i figured out how to connect the bluetooth speaker to my phone and put on some al jarreau and made a vegan curry for the people who live in this house with me!!! it was less hot last week so i made something that required a stovetop, but i promise it’s not much, plus it doesn’t require any top chef skills. if you’re bored and you want to make a green thing that looks like health, this is pretty good.
gather:
1 bunch cilantro
1 lime, zested
2 containers shiitake mushrooms
a package of firm tofu
a can of coconut milk
some vegetable broth (or bouillon, we’ll talk about that later)
2 tbsp coconut oil
2 whole shallots
1 head of garlic
a 3" piece of ginger
1 tbsp brown sugar
1 tsp coriander
salt + pepper
for serving:
cooked rice or rice noodles
salted peanuts
the leftover lime, cut into wedges
cilantro

1 okay you know my only desire in life is for things to be easy, and this recipe is so easy that a dog could probably do it. first you take most of the cilantro in one of those grocery store bunches and toss it in a blender. (pull out a few strands to use as garnish if you are into doing things like “garnishing” otherwise just throw the whole thing in!) peel two whole shallots and an entire head of garlic and toss those in the blender, along with the ginger (don’t bother peeling it, who cares), brown sugar, coriander, and some salt. blend it into a smooth paste. if it isn’t blending, splash in some vegetable broth to get it started and keep dribbling it in if it needs more help. you’re not making soup, though, so go easy.
2 we have a rice cooker so now’s the time to do that. if you don’t, google how to make rice. a thing i like to do when making rice in a saucepan is to toast the rice in the pan with a little olive oil first, add the water, quarter an onion and throw it and some garlic gloves in, add a bouillon cube, then cover and simmer it, and it’s good as hell but feels like work so not today.
3 cube your tofu in a big pot and fry it up, set it aside. melt some coconut oil in the pot, cook the mushrooms for a few minutes (season them!), dump the paste in and also the coconut milk (season again!), then bring to a simmer. if it doesn’t look like it’ll feed all the people you need to feed you can add more vegetable broth, but otherwise it’s done after a few simmering minutes. add your tofu cubes!
4 serve over rice (or rice noodles) with a squeeze of lime and a billion salty peanuts crushed on top. bask in the glory of making healthy green food, which honestly makes me feel like a fucking doctor.

foodstuffs i have purchased online during quarantine:
-bon temps tea
-wixter market tinned fish
-zingerman’s pimento cheese
-justin’s packets of peanut butter
-veggie strips i’m pretty sure are made for children
-grampa’s pastys

softcore
sometimes when people are talking about what they’re watching on tv i’m like “damn, everyone is into cool, interesting shit and i’m just watching episodes of sportscenter from two year ago,” BUT: i am currently watching some good things!
1 i am finally catching up on the third season of glow, which i didn’t know had come out??? how do you guys stay on top of shows????? i have no idea what to follow or subscribe to that will keep me abreast of all the things that require my attention! anyway, glow is so fucking good and makes me extremely nostalgic for the 80s and every person on it is very good at their jobs and the storylines are perfect. also if somehow i could get every single circa-1986 sweatshirt these women wear i would be extremely happy. why isn’t there a kmart when you need one?
2 i may destroy you is so good and so devastating and every week i’m like “wow how did michaela think of this???” also idk if you watched the most recent season of insecure but damn that shit was good! what do i have to do to get more natasha rothwell on my tv screen, though? someone call the president of hollywood.
3 listen, unsubscribe if you must, but i also watched and immensely enjoyed that ben affleck movie the way back. first of all, you already knew i had bad taste so don’t act shocked. second, i love ben affleck and i refuse to apologize for it! third, he’s actually...kind of perfect in this role??? which is to say that he is extremely believable as an alcoholic who loves shooting some hoops.
4 i’ve also watched dead to me multiple times and it’s incredible, please get into it if you haven’t yet. plus i watched that nia long omar epps thriller and it’s terrible but it’s also only 90 minutes long which means it’s actually amazing.
5 surpriiiiiiiiiiiise, i am working on season 2 of tuca and bertie, bitch! season 1 is on netflix, so y’all can go watch it there if you haven’t already, and season 2 on will be out on adult swim...listen, i don’t know when. i am not in a position to be told that. i also can’t get you a voiceover job. i have literally no power. BUT ali wong and tiffany haddish both spoke to me on the zoom table read and i peed my pants with starstruck glee and had to sit in it for an hour and risk a yeast infection, so there’s that!
6 i’m so happy basketball is back and yes i might take a bullet for doris burke if she needed me to.

hope everybody is hanging in there. kirsty set up bird feeders and suet cakes all around the house so the cats and i have something to sit and look at when all the choices on TV feel overwhelming but it’s “too early” to go lie down. so that’s what i’m doing when i don’t have to be upright in front of my computer’s unflattering video camera. talk soon!