david matthews's greatest romantic hits

depression is kicking my ass, please let me at least have this?

i had been under the mistaken impression that i would age out of the “rejection bummer,” that there would come a time in my life when the dismissals and repudiations would bounce off me like rubber and/or glue instead of causing me to deconstruct (what i can remember of) my whole shit to figure out when i became the worst person on earth who also cannot do or make anything good, but it hasn’t happened yet and here is my one word question: WHEN. how long will i have to wait to be cool and relaxed and not come completely undone when i place my juicy, pulsating heart into someone’s hands only to have it handed back to me all chewed up and spit out????? someone teach me how to be chill, please!

is that the kind of thing you can learn? my friend’s (now ex-) boyfriend asked me to lunch once upon a time and while i waited for the $12 chili i ordered (something is wrong with my brain) my man was like “hey, can i ask you something? can you teach me how to be funny?” i thought he was kidding, or fucking with me, so i just laughed uncomfortably and looked around, desperately hoping the server would break up that awkwardness with my big bowl of steamed beans. but then he earnestly continued, “i’m serious, sam. how do you do it? what do you do, just walk in a room and say ‘fart?’” and okay, sure, that is what i would do if i wanted to make a room full of six-year-olds laugh? but i used to do shows in bars, at night, so i had to say a bunch of other stuff, too, like “ass” and “bitch” and “please enjoy my trauma, i am a deeply broken person trying to make a connection with a bunch of strangers by making them laugh at my damage.” too much? i get it, i do. anyway…………………is the secret to zen chilled out-ness walking into a room and saying FART??????

i just googled “how to be chill and relaxed” and of course there’s a wiki how about it, but look at these suggestions from the “getting a chill attitude” subsection:
-get proactive. instead of sitting around thinking your problems could be worse, always try to make things better for yourself. it'll be a lot easier to be genuinely laid-back when you're satisfied with your life as opposed to settling for less. babe what the fuck are you talking about, if i could do this i would already be happy and not googling mental health cures in the middle of the night???????
-be confident. when you have lots of self confidence and comfort with who you are, you will have a much easier time being chill. silly rabbit why didn’t i just tap into my nonexistent deep well of self-esteem
-find enjoyment in life! do things in life that make you happy! don’t do things that stress you out! ok i am going to scream
-keep a sense of humor. you’ve got to laugh about stuff in life, especially the stuff that doesn’t go your way, or you’re going to spend life grumpy and stressed out. when someone is a jerk to you, relieve your anger through humor. just laugh at them because they are clearly very boring and miserable. nevermind i’m cured *laughs to death*

books
i dunno man my brain is a fucking dried out baked potato at the moment and i can’t read? but! i have been listening to old episodes of you’re wrong about (i am obsessed with mike and sarah, they’re the best, if you know them tell them i said so) and i just listened to their three-episode deep dive into jessica simpson’s open book and it was so good (all their episodes are good, truly) and illuminating that i checked it out from the library and have already read a few chapters and i’m really into it so far.

snacks
here are some tabs i have open to things i plan to “read later”
-who? weekly, my absolute fucking faves, got a write up in the goddamn new yorker??? crunch crunch, bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!
-a GQ interview with cousin greg’s tall, fine ass
-that atlantic article about drinking many people i follow on twitter shared
-the people of las vegas in the believer
-a ssense essay about dinner parties
-this vulture review of bo burnham’s new netflix thing that i haven’t watched
-a short story by the inimitable bryan washington
-alexis wilson’s hilarious and absolutely unhinged newsletter mentally shrill

softcore
i love dave matthews for real, passionately and without shame. every time i make that declaration in public people are like, “you’re doing a bit, right” and i promise you i am fucking not. here’s a thing people who are not me don’t talk about enough: mister matthews can write the shit out of a love song. i know everyone thinks all his songs are, like, twelve minute long jam band odes to tie dye and weed, but he has so many gut wrenching songs about love and heartache and regret and desire and i know it’s hilarious to make fun of the bus poop and clown a dude who has flutes in his music, BUT: my man has an undeniably gorgeous voice (his falsetto!!!!!!!!! sorry but it rules!) and makes music that is extremely listenable??? stop fronting like he’s not great!

a few weeks ago we shot a little miniature version of the pilot for my silly diarrhea show and there’s a pretty funny joke in it about all the disgusting ways i (i mean the character of “sam”) have masturbated to the song “crash” and you know why that’s funny? because it’s true. (also, “masturbate,” like its cousin “fart,” is a hilarious word.) when i was 20-ish i had to wrestle my original 1994 copy of under the table and dreaming from the greedy clutches of a dude who had broken into my room at the boarding house where we both lived to try to steal my shit (the only other thing of value i had at that time was a used, scorched up rowenta iron) because it meant that much to me, and also because my car had broken down and i didn’t want to take the bus all the way to best buy to replace it, and if we’re being honest i would absolutely fistfight him again today. my love for “typical situation” knows no bounds.

so here’s the thing, women of a certain age (41 years old, to be precise) who also don’t have cartilage in their knees and can’t eat dairy anymore need romantic music to vibe to. of course when i was a wee lass of 22 freezing my face off waiting for the el at granville at 730 in the morning i did so while listening to trina rapping about grinding on a dick but listen, i use a retinol serum before bed every night now??????? i am officially in my smooth jazz adult contemporary years! and yeah i listen to a lot of metal or whatever in the daytime but i like to sit in my chair with my eyes closed, swaying to gentle songs and imagining dave is singing to me when it’s in the middle of the night and i’m spiraling.

anyway if you need a romantic dave lovemaking playlist i got u:
1 “if only” (i cry to this one a distressing amount, if you like sex-weeping)
2 “that girl is you”
3 “little thing” (only on the luther college 2-disc set)
4 “here on out”
5 “stay or leave” (live vegas version)
6 “you & me” (acoustic)
7 “i’ll back you up”
8 “say goodbye” (might be too depressing to bone to, not for me tho)
9 “the space between”
10 “steady as we go”
11 “if i had it all”
12 “crush”
13 “let you down”

if you need more than 13 songs to get busy, you are fucking lying. <3