HELL *cough* YEAH *wheeze* BROTHER

things to sit and look at when you are dying from weapons-grade pneumonia

deadly dilf is a work of art and i thank you almighty jehovah for the existence of tubi. i can’t even be funny about it, i honestly feel like some of my brain died after being microwaved by my body for two straight weeks and i no longer know how to make jokes, but everything on this channel is perfect for when you are sick and delirious. i watched that stupid ass movie where liam neeson fights a cgi wolf (do you think they ever considered calling it “taken……………….to the veterinarian”), i watched this western a town called hell and this other incredible western the forgotten pistolero and you want to know why? because they were there and available to me for free. forest whitaker hosted an entire season of a twilight zone reboot (???) in 2003 and in case you were wondering what katherine heigl, usher raymond, lukas haas, and the allstate man were doing back then the answer is filming episodes of this terrible and amazing show. then my stupid ass watched a stupid-ass movie starring joey lawrence called invitado sangriento dubbed in spanish all the way through because i didn’t realize the english version was also available until i got to the end.
did you know that the dude who got stabbed on cheaters also starred (i’m using this term loosely) in a comedy-horror show called ghostbreakers??? i do, because i watched all of it. i also watched arnold schwarzenegger’s towering cinematic achievement true lies, followed by six episodes of some british show called spooks because tom wambsgans is in it. i watched a ridiculous thriller called bent because the thumbnail made it look like it starred benicio del toro (my boyfriend) but when i clicked play it was actually a human knockoff named karl urban (not my boyfriend) but i was almost too withered to notice, plus i didn’t really mind because andy garcia (my husband) eventually showed up and he is perfect and good in everything.
i also watched this supremely fucked up shit because i simply cannot get enough of vincent fucking cassel. oh yeah i also watched a thrilling piece of black cinema (their designation) called the only child because my kingdom for a movie that’s like, “hey, i have the afternoon off and my mom said we could use her videocamera, wanna make a movie???”
sure tubi has commercials but i don’t give a shit about commercials. you know what you do during a commercial? you rest your burning hot eyes for a damn minute. you unplug your 24-hour antibiotic drip so you can drag the pole and all your fluid bags to sit on the toilet for a while. you do twenty reps on your volumetric exerciser, a torture device you have to beat into submission before they free you from lung jail.
i just watched some bullshit called tuff turf which stars james spader, robert downey jr, and kim richards???? who made this movie and why! and i almost died laughing through a movie called juegos de caza (again, i watched the dub en español) featuring, brace yourself, the formidable acting talents of: danny trejo, bruce dern, tito ortiz, and one CHRISTOPHER “CT” TAMBURELLO. what absolute lunatic do they have working over there and do they wanna marry me??? this shit is my cocaine!

the perfect couple honestly? a perfect show. who fucking cares. it’s rich people doing rich people shit, my all-time favorite variety of low stakes television programming. nicole kidman’s wig is wigging, baby bono is still so cute i can hardly stand it (watch bad sisters!!!!!!!!), and i want to climb liev schreiber like a glasses-wearing tree.
the only reason i am still alive today is because kirsten’s bossy ass forced me into a wheelchair when i didn’t want to go to the emergency room a second time and then spent that same night curled up in an uncomfortable armchair with no blanket in my arctic room because i was burning up with fever and couldn’t tolerate any setting warmer than “meat locker.”
she spent an entire week of PTO watching me get blood cultures and piss myself coughing, all while stealthily recording everything the doctor said when he came in so i can transcribe it word for word (while sprinkling in some lols) when i write my next nonsense book of trash. OOPS i mean, so i would be able to listen back to all of the important information he was giving me and apply it to my new more healthful life. anyway since she loved this silly show by default i must, too, and if you see her give her a hug or something because i really stressed her the fuck OUT.

hard knocks ahem, SPEAKING OF DADDIES. i finally finished watching last season with the miami dolphins (i fell off) and then i watched the post season edition with the giants (kind of a snooze) but my true love is the bears preseason episodes, especially the one featuring this adorable meathead singing keyshia cole. (liev schreiber narrates all of the iterations and you don’t even have to care about football to be soothed by him!) also defector’s reliably hilarious why your team sucks is my favorite thing about the beginning of football season every year and this year is no exception.
also also since we’re talking about football: i absolutely gobbled up america’s sweethearts: dallas cowboys cheerleaders in an afternoon and i need to say publicly that i would walk through fire for victoria. what a doll. they did not deserve her!! all those ladies are beautiful and talented and if i had to smile for even .0000000001% of the time they are expected to smile i would chew my leg off like a trapped rat.

the best things to order from hospital room service:
1 oatmeal it’s hard to fuck up oatmeal, even in the hospital, but they did try. i doctored my daily cup of gruel with a melting pat of salty butter and a little packet of brown sugar and it was almost delicious.
2 mashed sweet potatoes again, wet mush is as safe a bet as you’re going to get. they send it up with the same half-melted butter and brown sugar accompaniment, so it basically was orange oatmeal and that is fine.
3 cold apple juice i feel like maybe we’ve all aged out of having apple juice in our adult refrigerators but nothing beats an ice cold plastic container of juice that you spill all over your gown while trying to wrestle off its protective foil.
4 green beans i tried to order as many fresh vegetables as possible on my dinner tray because just being in that sterile, refrigerated air kinda makes you feel like you have scurvy no matter what you’re in for. i love green beans (where is my prize) and luckily for me the limp, bloated canned beans i was expecting turned out to be fresh and crisp and steamed and completely devoid of flavor or seasoning.
5 boost glucose control® balanced nutritional drink i’m not playing around, this shit is delicious. so delicious, in fact, i made danny bring me a case of the very vanilla flavor for my real actual life. the night i was admitted to the hospital i was on “droplet protocol” so all of the nurses were in those yellow booties and hazmat suits, and before they hooked me up to my 5L of oxygen i had to swallow a handful of doxycycline and my handsome nurse ali was worried about my empty stomach so he gave me an ice cold boost to drink with it and maybe i was suffering from delirium at the time but it was probably the best thing i have ever tasted??? i don’t even eat fucking meals anymore, i just subsist on cut up watermelon, diet pepsi, and boost drinks. according to the packaging it has 16g of “high quality protein” and 190 “nutrient-rich calories,” plus vitamins and minerals, and you don’t even have to lift your head or open your mouth all the way to get it into your body! is this what it’s like to be a baby??????? i’m never chewing food ever again!!!

selling sunset you know, i wish i didn’t watch this stupid ass shit but i do. they make it too easy, like eating chips. you watch one episode then all of a sudden you’ve watched nine episodes without even noticing. you’re still nursing the same drink you started the season with, blissfully unaware that three hours have passed right beneath your glazed-over eyes. i hope they make fifty seasons of it. unpopular opinion: my favorites are nicole and amanza, and this is 100% because they’re both approximately 173 years old and act like it.

one night in the hospital when i couldn’t sleep i decided to watch the deliverance and i’m sorry lee daniels but you have to go to jail immediately. i spent half the movie thinking it was a fever dream (is that really THEE icon alex forrest trying to fuck omar epps???) because each scene is crazier than the one before it. thank god that it got made but also HOW??? i had to get a breathing treatment and my favorite night nurse came in during this harrowing, evil, gobsmacking, illegal fucking scene and all i could do was sit there with that stupid aerobika thing in my mouth trying to blow while she just looked back and forth between me and the ipad in silent judgment. she should’ve poisoned me for exposing her to that shit. every single frame of this movie is a crime and i can’t wait to watch it at least seventeen more times!!!!!!

love is blind uk i really love being a dumb american because even though this show is absolute garbage, the accents make it sound fancy and sophisticated and like real connections might be happening. the united statesian versions all feel cheap and gross to me but there’s something about watching these brits call each other “darling” through those weird purple screens while sipping an earl grey tea (i assume) from those silly-looking opaque gold goblets that actually feels romantic? no spoilers, BUT: the one couple in whose future i felt deeply invested didn’t make it, so i’m never watching this shit again because love may not be blind but it’s most definitely dead.

my friend abby plays a lesbian on this cbs show tracker and boy is it great. every cbs show is perfectly calibrated to be the kind of lightly-thrilling forty-two minute drama your grandmother and i like to get cozy to. i watch all that shit: blue bloods, fbi international, the one where they expect me to believe shemar moore is a swat agent, elsbeth, fbi most wanted, ncis, the one where queen latifah plays denzel washington, fbi regular, seal team, fire country, WHO CARES. it could all be the same show as far as my eyes and brain are concerned, i never even know which one i’m watching at any given time. they are all perfect and slide into your belly like a cool, nourishing boost. yum yum.

houses of horror: secrets of college greek life i deeply enjoy a&e’s documentary programming, and boy this one is a fucking doozy. i have never in my life wanted a friend badly enough to let people hit?? me??? with a paddle????? did you know college kids are out here taping giant vodka bottles to their hands that they are expected to drink until they die? i did not and this information is very stressful!! i’m watching the episode about the black girls now and this lady is talking about how they made her eat a raw onion and if she threw it up she’d have to lick up the raw onion vomit and i’m sorry but you would just have to kill me. racking up $30,000+ in debt every year to get punched in the face by a bitch you can’t stab??? yeah me and this high school diploma are just fine over here.

american murder: laci peterson the gone girl of it all!!! i was so confused because it took twenty minutes of looking at the television like “HUH?” to realize that in my mind i’d conflated scott peterson with drew peterson and wondered why i’d heard about his case on the news every night if they were from san diego, but then i googled “bolingbrook wife killer” and realized i was thinking about this fucking asshole.
in other imperiled woman news i watched the perfect wife and all i could think while watching that shit was if sherri papini was homely??? first of all, wouldn’t have been no fucking search. the cops would’ve been like “good riddance, ugly! brother, go find yourself a hot new wife.” second, once they found her and figured out what she’d done they would execute her ass on live television. imagine my dumb ass wasting hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars because i wanted some attention????? the government would literally cook and eat me. get outta here, sherri!

a few clutch sickness hacks:
-a thermometer that turns red when you have a fever i did not know these existed until i spent every day for two miserable weeks looking at one that read 102.3° no matter the time of day or night. very handy for when your eyes can’t focus enough to recognize the digits on the screen.
-lume acidified deodorant wipes i wish this was sponsored because these shits ain’t cheap, BUT: if you find yourself in a situation in which you cannot take a shower for like nine days, these are the next best thing. i couldn’t really smell myself at first because i was on so much oxygen but eventually i sniffed my pits and my eyes watered, so i begged kirsten to grab me some of these from the house and they really do wipe away old stench and (kind of) prevent new stench from accumulating. i don’t know how they work and i don’t give a fuck, this witchcraft works.
-a shower stool!!! people can be so weird about mobility aids but not me, bitch! my life has already been hard, now that i am enfeebled and decrepit i want everything in life to be as easy as possible for me. at one point i couldn’t speak a complete sentence without gasping after every word, and you can’t stand in the shower to wash your ass when you can’t breathe!!!! i mean, i guess you can’t really get it squeaky clean while sitting either but at least you can be ~rinsed~ and that’s not nothing!
-mucinex you know what they gave me a million times a day in the hospital? REGULAR-ASS GROCERY STORE MUCINEX. now i’m sure they charged blue cross $187 per pill, but i know generic guaifenesin when i see it in a little dixie cup proffered to me by a latex-gloved hand!!!!!! there is something deeply aggravating about being given the same shit you have at home in a hospital setting (girl, gimme the shit they give the president, i don’t want these same tablets currently expiring in my poor person bathroom!!!) but i guess it’ll be reassuring next time i’m trying to cure my own disease without wasting a copay.

bad monkey chat, how are we feeling about vince vaughn? i love him down to his socks and will gleefully consume anything he’s in, but i understand if you don’t feel like that. this is another series concocted in a petri dish specifically for my eyeballs, because i loOooOve carl hiaasen and have read almost everything he’s ever written and i also think vince vaughn is such a charming, hilarious, perfect dirtbag, so i’m naturally predisposed to be extremely into this kind of show.

the mole i do not mind an obviously-scripted reality show. like, are you kidding? everything could use more editing. and i was way into this show for the first couple episodes because there was genuine tension in the missions, like clock is ticking you will lose money and/or die (not really) if you don’t complete this task tension, and i live for that. but at some point early on it starts to feel like the worst actors at your local community theater are putting on a terrible immersive play while holding you hostage and it becomes physically painful to watch. the talking heads feel like the director is behind the camera saying “talk about who you hate in the group again but this time do it more…actor-y” and it made my teeth hurt. it doesn’t help that they all are supposed to lie to and trick one another, and the only thing worse than a good liar is a fake, obvious liar. i’ve already written too many words about this but toward the end it really began to grate on me, i was practically screaming “TELL US WHO THE DAMN MOLE IS” at the end of every episode. that said, there are more seasons, and i absolutely will watch them.

owning manhattan this is gonna sound real dumb but i started watching million dollar listing to do ~research~ for and just like that because ryan serhant is in our show and i don’t know shit about new york real estate. i still don’t, but it is fascinating to me to watch these people bandy about these astronomical sums of money like it’s change they found on the street.

the life and trials of oscar pistorius i had only a peripheral idea of what this story was about via passive news consumption when it happened, and wowie fucking wow. i really do love a sports documentary so i also watched break point (tennis), muscles & mayhem (american gladiators, really made me wanna rewatch GLOW), malice at the palace (basketball), and jake paul the problem child (boxing). i can sit and watch pretty much any documentary about any subject, as long as it’s not too fucking scary.

cowboy cartel i’ve been watching a lot of horse shit lately. probably because i almost exclusively watched the equestrian events during the olympics? they’re just so damn majestic. i watched this documentary called broken horses about doping and horse racing and it was heartbreaking. but also fascinating?
one of the ways i like to remind myself that i am a small and inconsequential piece of this massive population, when my head is shoved throat-deep up my own ass, is to think about all of the hobbies and activities millions of people pay attention to that i don’t know anything about. like, when you see the same seven people every week it’s easy to forget that the world is enormous, and one of the quickest ways to get a reality check is to think about, say, how two million people go to bullfights every year. and i don’t know any of them! there’s an entire world and hierarchy and underworld and it doesn’t have shit to do with me and i will never know anything about it and that’s amazing. or i think about something like nascar, which millions of people pay attention to and are invested in and i couldn’t tell you a single thing about nor do i know anyone else who could.
the world can feel so suffocating and small sometimes and it’s nice to be reminded that there are whole ecosystems out there i’ll never encounter. (if this doesn’t make sense, remember that my brain is melted.) i watched unbranded and it was good as hell and cowboy cartel, and then for a little drama i threw in a handful of episodes of yellowstone i’ve already seen a bunch of times. somebody find my fifth grade copy of black beauty.

industry what the fuck is this show even about? i have watched every episode of every season and, gun to my head, i couldn’t tell you. i’m not even sure i could list all of the characters, and we watch it with subtitles for the explicit purpose of trying to figure out who is talking about what to whom! who are these people!!! no cheating, there’s: harper, harper’s brother, eric, the new girl, sweetpea (is that really her name, or), sexy baby amy winehouse, that sad dude with terrible luck and kind of a bobblehead, the……………….french lesbian??, rishi, the wealthy sexual harasser lady, the redhead guy who’s an alcoholic, sad dude’s dad, sexy baby amy winehouse’s dad, petra, the smaller duplass brother, jon snow this season only, and the black gay guy who maybe isn’t even on this show anymore????? what am i even doing.

gatorade zero flavors, ranked:
lime cucumber
glacier cherry
berry
orange
lemon lime
strawberry kiwi
blue

oh shoot, last but certainly not least, i watched the better part of christian mingle: the movie on my phone wide awake at four in the morning while waiting for a single tylenol and it was the best movie i have ever seen in my life.

thank you for not unsubscribing while i was barfing up a lung.