half man fucked me up. THAT LAST SCENE? jesus christ! my lady watched the pilot with me and was like “haha fuck you no thanks” and left me to suffer through the rest of the upsetting episodes by myself after she went to sleep. it’s not to say i didn’t enjoy the show, but i have never been more nervous and on edge watching a non-horror movie/show in my life. i had to take a beta blocker to get through that shit. widow’s bay is very weird but i would pay money to watch matthew rhys take a shit so i’m tuned the fuck in. also hi jeff hiller, i love you. we watched season five of couples therapy and the best thing about that show is how good it makes me feel about my own spousal behavior. yes i am crazy and annoying but at least i’m not paying other people to cuddle with me? my favorite half of a couple this season was shay, who was so beautiful and mesmerizing i broke my rule of looking up reality television people on socials and watched all of her tiktoks in a fever dream. her partner? made me want to jam pencils in my ears. the cuddle guy? i can’t call it. i saw on reddit that the republican has denounced trump, so hallelujah for his wife i guess, i hope that means he’s also denounced his cat box issues as well. the most frustrating of the couples were the lesbians, and not for any normal reasons; i cannot stand people who talk like nessa, who speak in circles and riddles and sound lowkey intelligent if you aren’t listening too hard, people who couch what they actually mean in a bunch of therapy-adjacent language. just tell your wife you don’t want to be with her, don’t make us listen to you drone on about “evolution” without clarifying what the hell you are expecting from her! thank goodness the four seasons is back, it’s like smearing cool whip all in the nooks and crannies of your brain. i would watch tina fey and colman domingo do anything together, their friendship vibe on this show is perfect, he reads her constantly. nothing is more fun or stings more acutely than getting clocked by mean gay men, and i have the text messages (and oozing lacerations) to prove it. the crash was harrowing, god bless those kids, especially buddy in the backseat. that one mom, though? ELECTRIC CHAIR. it’s frustrating a lot of the time when someone is so polished and so calculated and so media-trained you feel like you’re listening to a robot with skin on it, but homegirl was a little too relaxed. both of that girl’s parents should have, i don’t know, run through some talking points with a lawyer or maybe consulted a PR guy beforehand? remember in gone girl when tyler perry is teaching ben affleck how to be interviewed by richard kimble’s dead wife so he didn’t look like an asshole on TV? they needed a few minutes of that. i couldn’t be in my murder-child’s documentary about murder talking about how chill i am with her murderous ass smoking dope? i mean, even if y’all smoke weed together maybe don’t admit that shit to a reporter who is absolutely going to use the audio over video footage of your precious weedhead’s mangled car. the mom scene in the courtroom during sentencing??? i kept begging “mama, please be serious” while watching her trip over her own tongue, it was so embarrassing, just absolute fucking birdbrain behavior. we’re currently rewatching ozark which is still a perfect show. the new cape fear is finally out and as a longtime patrick wilson lover unfortunately it is my job to become obsessed with everything he does. see also: javier bardem’s fine ass. i’m still not loving the bracket system on drag race all stars 11 but i do love akeria and crystal methyd and silky and morphine and dawn, so we move. gimme hershii, jasmine kennedy, and sam star, i’m ready. i’ve been watching the nba finals (of course) and i don’t have a dog in this fight; i find wemby endlessly fascinating, but i am very interested in jalen brunson’s whole thing as well. that said, i’m mostly rooting for knick fans, who will undoubtedly burn down the city no matter the series outcome.
book report
-okay over the past couple weeks i have read 7 (!!) of the 8 spicy gay hockey books by tierney rose/michaela grey (i don’t know which one is her actual name) and they’re exceptional. each book features a different couple and their stories are layered and complicated and emotional (i’ve cried at least once while reading each one?) and the action reads like tierney/michaela really knows ball i.e. puck. the first one i read was blindside hit, which i found from googling “gay smut criminally ugly mmc” or some shit like that. i like an attractive man (god if you could see the screenshot folder on my phone) but reading about hot people falling in love gets fucking old after a while. somebody write me a romance book about a person with a physical deformity getting swept off their feet, please! anyway, etienne is hideous (lolll he has a great personality) but hot adam is extremely horny for him but then OH NO adam gets injured, tearjerking ensues, happily ever after. i loved it, and so far i’ve loved them all. A+
-my good pal mary hk choi has a new book called pool house that came out yesterday, and i haven’t read it yet, BUT: i’m an og mary stan, all the way back to her mid-aughts missbehave days, plus i’ve read and loved everything else she’s ever written, so i feel confident in saying i will love this new one an equal amount. it’s like grey gardens but with a gen x mom and a gen z kid in a pool house instead of a dilapidated mansion and that’s the kind of shit i like to read so it gets an A+ in advance. because she’s the coolest she gets to do cool shit to promote her book, including being on freaking subway takes? marry me, kareem! she also did an interview with elle magazine and i have never used liquid eyeliner a day in my life but i read every word of this piece she wrote for the strategist about her quest to find a new one when her holy grail brand was retired. can you tell i really love her a lot?
-i have two active book subscriptions. the first one is from jenny lawson’s nowhere bookshop, from whom i happily receive one nightmare horror book per month. her picks are always insane. unrelated: my #1 horror boyfriend nat cassidy has a new horror collection called i know a place, which i preordered months ago because i do not fucking play about him. he is an A+++ auto-buy author for me, and stephen king likes him. if stephen king said that something i’d written “fucking ruled” i would vomit all down the front of my shirt and then lie down and die!!! my babes at 831 stories have a monthly book club, the ones, where they send you a new 200ish page A+ romance novella every month for twenty bucks. i’ve read all the books they’ve published and was sleeping on the membership (joining things is so stressful) but i finally got on board when i saw there was an upcoming book from my cookbook queen julia!!! turshen!!!!! munch munch munch, yum yum yum.
i had wide awake surgery on my teeth monday morning, and i am now the proud loser of teeth numbers 19 and 20, even though they’d both previously had root canals and at least one of them had to have an apicoectomy i had to pay for out of pocket. i just have shitty fucking teeth. i am forty-six years old and i have the mouth of an appalachian child and that just is what it is. i have every tool, prescription toothpaste, the fanciest waterpik, AND YET: dog teeth. and you know what? i don’t think i’m gonna get implants! part of my rationale is that the two that just got pried from my unyielding jaw had thousands of dollars worth of work done to them, and i still kept getting infections at the root, enough that my dentist finally just tapped out and made me go to a surgeon because he got carpal tunnel from writing me prescriptions for amoxicillin. considering my age, the fact that my mom didn’t have teeth so i am genetically doomed anyway, and also i don’t care that much about anything? if i am gonna have to rob a fucking bank i’d rather do it to spend the money on something more fun than putting titanium screws in my jaw. what am i going to do, worry about being uglier? i’ve already trapped a wife! that’s the cute shit about being married, i wrote “you have to stay with me no matter how many of my teeth end up in the garbage” into my vows so it’s literally against the law for her to leave me over the gaping holes in my gums!
shopping cart
-my face has grown extremely reactive so now i use this green dermatitis balm on it and it’s not better but it’s not worse
-i’m obsessed with these chubby charger cables
-this is where i get the cutie sweetie writing reward stickers i award myself daily for typing literally a single word, work-related or not; i stick them in the same august-to-august planner i have been using since high school (i got the fuschia one for this year)
-malted milk powder so i can make thee best cookie bar i have ever had
-if you are not averse to chemically-enhanced caffeinated water these bang
-in looove with this puffy leopard laptop sleeve even though my computer doesn’t go anywhere except sometimes maybe the dining room?
-big fan of musky smells all year round, and lately i’ve been partial to the kiehl’s original musk spray: it just smells like somebody you wanna climb on top of
i’ve been going back in time and moping to a bunch of old doom and sludge metal records i was into as a sad teenager, and crowbar’s sonic excess in its purest form really fucking holds up. you know how sometimes you get nostalgic for your cool youth and you tap back into something you were into in high school and want to vomit from embarrassment? that did not happen to me. repulsive in its splendid beauty came on and i sat straight up like JESUS CHRIST WAS I COOL. it’s so heavy but also so gorgeous? very proud of young me for being so fucking miserable. i also still have the first system of a down cd and when it got to know i got so hype i almost drove my car full speed into the line of gas pumps at costco. another fun one to scream-sing in the car is crystal ball off of candlemass’ epicus doomicus metallicus album. dig through your cassette tapes and see if you still have melvins houdini and go sit in a dark room and blast hag me as loud as you can stand. teen dusthead acid king. greenthumb bongzilla. eternal idol black sabbath. seeds of the desolate solitude aeturnus. the real thing faith no more. anyway, you get it. all this shit still sounds sooooo good.
a few songs in heavy rotation
12 to 12 sombr i am transfixed by this song, what a fucking BOP
oh boy tank and the bangas the sweetest, dreamiest, most beautiful love song, and boy do i love a slow jam that features a fucking talk box
reckless and arranged ethan french young white dude making robert glasper-esque r&b????????? bet
conceited flo milli flawless hype song
voice inside my head dixie chicks off a zero skips album and while baby hold on is my hands down absolute fave this is a great one for singing in the car
small town talk bobby charles i put on this playlist clairo made of her influences and it was full of songs like this, 1970s am radio easy listening tunes, i love that shit
naranjita manduka another clairo inspirational jam
chapel of pines waxahatchee we saw her and mj lenderman at the masonic temple in detroit a few weeks (?) ago and they played this and it was the most overwhelmingly beautiful song i’d ever heard
coook pardon LVBELC5 a TURKISH RAP BANGER?? man, who knew? understanding 0% booty shaking 100% what a fucking smash!!!!!
love you, talk soon.