song i’m listening to while writing this: (at your best) you are love the isley brothers
HOOPS. you know where you can get reliably informed, in-depth basketball takes and analysis? not here, babe! 99% of people reading this don’t know what a pick and roll is. i’m stoked for this knicks game that’s about to come on. i don’t care about the knicks, other than my unbridled lust for jalen brunson, but i do care about spike lee’s happiness, so i’m thrilled they’re doing well. spike lee’s movies are so fucking good, man. and compulsively rewatchable!! some of my faves:
-inside man denzel is a grizzled detective forced to play a cat-and-mouse with clive owen, who has taken an entire bank full of people hostage. chiwetel ejiofor is his young upstart partner. jodie foster looks insanely good. my friend ashlie is in it!
-crooklyn oh my GOD alfre woodard, this movie is like a warm hug from someone you love very much!!!
-25th hour ed norton’s last night before prison. my #1 babe rosario dawson is incredible as his girlfriend. philip seymour hoffman is a shy nerd!!!
-mo’ better blues denzel playing jazz and fucking a lot
-he got game denzel playing basketball and doing child neglect
-malcolm x denzel playing…………………………..malcolm x
-blackkklansman baby denzel blowing up racists with adam driver’s fine, lanky ass!
ooh, you know who else i love? KAT. i like how he looks like a newborn baby and a grown ass man at the same time. i don’t have a real allegiance to any team (i do, however, have allegiances to announcers: love kevin harlan and reggie, grant hill and ian eagle, spero, mike breen, doris, gus johnson) but i’m the kind of person who naturally roots for the underdog, and the pacers series is really scratching my afterschool special itch. i mean, i would very much enjoy watching tyrese haliburton handle everybody who called him “overrated” john wick style, but failing that it would be such a fairytale ending if they take this round.
i stayed up late last night to watch the nuggets game last night and thank the lord they’ve returned to form because that blowout game was NOT IT. i’m torn because i’m a jokic fan but those little okc babies are just so charming and adorable. this (combined with an inability to see numbers as anything other than hostile combatants) is why i don’t gamble, because you can’t take the over on “biggest cutie.”
elisa kept yelling at me to watch dying for sex and we finally started it last night and boy do i love it already. every show should either be: funny/horny, funny/violent, or funny/mean, and this show is so funny and horny. i don’t think i realized what a good comedic actress white michelle williams is (whenever i try to picture her she is crying dramatically) and she’s damn good in this.
i was talking to mel yesterday and after he finished yelling at me for taking two days to call him back he commanded me to watch the residence, which was already on my list but now i gotta slide it closer to the top. in exchange, i bullied him into downloading peacock so he can watch poker face because season two just came out and i am very excited to watch it because the first season knocked my fucking socks off. that tough piece of beef jerky is 79 years old, and he was distracted because i called during one of his old man hobbies (carving flat votive candelabras out of reclaimed wood) and he said he was paying attention to me?, but i really don’t think he was since he kept interrupting to tell me how well his bowling team is doing, so who knows if he’s actually going to check it out. he does not read my books and he does not watch the television programs i have worked on and that is why we’re family.
every now and then someone will ask me what my parents would say about my work if they were alive and i can confidently say “they would not consume it or probably even know it exists” and mel is my living proof. that’s how i stay humble, baby!
the only electronic games i like to play are of the anti-stress variety, like coloring and two dots and hidden folks. i am too mentally fragile to do anything where i am guaranteed to lose all the time, i need games whose objectives are, like, organize these shelves and get a prize. it’s giving “grandma plays that on her ipad” and i love it. my new current favorite phone game is called blossom sort and if put on the spot i guess i would call it a matching game (???) but lmaoo look at what the app store says:
“find bouquets of the same color in the beautiful flower garden and insert them carefully into the vase to make a beautiful large flower. in this process of competition, you need to remain calm, make quick responses, and maintain both wisdom and courage, feeling the excitement and pleasure of the challenge. the design is meticulous with full details, and the fresh colors create a beautiful flower ocean that makes you feel immersed in it. the beautiful and soothing sound effect is like letting you forget the worries of the world, immersing you in this colorful flower world. join us in this flowery world and embark on a soulful journey!” HELLO??????
first of all, i do not allow my phone to make noise so i can’t vouch for the sound effects. second, this is how you describe a spa or some luxury bath oil, not a video game??? anyway i’m on level 1182, which is absurd. i could’ve gotten an associate’s degree in the time i’ve spent matching purple tulips!!!!!
another of my self-soothing methods is watching people put makeup on, and my current favorite person to watch slathering expensive creams all over his face is aditya madiraju, possibly the most gorgeous man in the entire world. HE’S BEAUTIFUL AND I AM ENAMORED OF HIM. he has glorious hair and an incredibly soothing voice and am i ever gonna: use mascara? no! conceal my bruised looking-ass undereyes? absolutely not! “prime” my “skin?” never! but i like sitting slack-jawed in my cozy clothes, eating microwave popcorn and watching him doing it while imagining the kind of life that requires a perfectly-blended nose contour.
a few choice things i’ve been loving:
-i watched 15 hours of the pitt and now i’m a doctor
-omg they got lesbians joining jackie christie on my TV???
-white sunglasses!!! they look kind of stupid but i don’t care because i’m too busy channeling this little dude
-the dos equis salt commercials??? v v sexy
-cooked green beans in a salad
-i heart mess dot com
-the timberwolves’ anthony edwards
-AJLT season 3 trailer just dropped
-i got to talk to the atlantic (FANCY) about my undying love for carl hiaasen
-the way the crows freak out in the sky when there are foxes running around outside
-am i about to listen to every dang episode of this forthcoming living single podcast??? well, yes!
-mucinex nightshift
-marc lamont hill on the JBP
-did y’all see this feature on roxane gay’s house?????? *eyeballs emoji*
-the jennifer hudson spirit tunnel (i love them all but this bert kreischer one might be my favorite)
-shaderoom comments
-heart performing stairway to heaven at the kennedy center not kidding this is a religious experience, get ready to astral project
happy mother’s day if that applies to you. i hope you get to do whatever the fuck you want and your kids shut the fuck up for five minutes. my lady has some kids so i bought her this gorgeous glossy ceramic wind chime to reward her for giving birth to two people i don’t share a single strand of DNA with. we really are at the point where it’s like, what else is there to fucking get? we’ve been together for twelve years! there is no surefire way to surprise or delight this person anymore!! you have every gardening tool already!!! everything i think about getting her is basically a variation on something i’ve given her in the past!!!!
honestly, these kids are 17 and 19; at what point are they on the hook for their own mom’s gifts? if i left it up to them now she’d get a blurry printout of something they ordered from the sketchiest site on the internet that won’t arrive from china for another three weeks, how old do they have to be before i can tap out of this stressful shit altogether? i gotta start thinking about the next gift holiday before the current one is even over. a decade plus of birthdays AND valentine’s days AND christmases AND mother’s days??? i do not have an active enough imagination for all this, or a wallet deep enough to get her anything spectacular. these fools stopped making macaroni necklaces ten years ago, and ever since they’re like “sammy, what did we buy mom this year?” WE??? nothing! i’m too busy saving up for a lobotomy so i don’t have to be responsible for this anymore!!!! anyway i hope your bad ass kids make you pancakes.
love u bye