i love having a blissfully empty head. to keep it that way, i’m still reading lots of monster porn and mpreg bullshit. and also books about fat black girls getting fucked within an inch of their lives. i promise you don’t have to be fat or black to read them. sure it might make things a little weird down at the country club when your battered, well-loved copy of big girl panties falls out of your pocket while you’re driving to the hole, but who fucking cares? i just got this book bred by the minotaur (along with its companions bred by the dragon and bred by the wolfman, of course) because i read and loved morning glory milking farm, which is an incredibly romantic story about a disaffected, under-employed millennial who takes a job “milking” minotaurs and falls in love with one of them. the sex? absolutely fucking absurd. they had to put a plastic sheet down and use a dilator the size of a fucking fire hydrant (i was tears-down-my-face crying laughing) and i am never, ever drinking a milkshake ever again but damn what a good book. i’m still on that gay shit and also read sweat by jonah yorke, which is about soccer players who enjoy jerking each other off. (don’t worry, there is also a plot!) i finished the shots you take last week and it’s a real sweetie pie of a book; all i have left in the heated rivalry extended universe is time to shine and then i’ll have my doctorate in rachel reid books. dark romance is kinda scary to me? i don’t like spit, i don’t like hitting, humiliation is upsetting to me, i don’t like blood, i don’t like ropes, you get it. but my best friend (a bot on reddit) suggested this book the menagerie about a dom/sub relationship between a paramedic and a short king he meets during a gangbang at a sex club. i lived through the first couple chapters so i’m gonna finish.
please enjoy this cultured mag interview in which caleb hearon the star of the devil wears prada 2 slay 2 furious says that my gross, sexy, disgusting perverted little books are him in paperback form (aww!) and that “whatever the opposite of a blessing and a gift is, that’s what it is to be sam irby’s friend.” (i love and adore him so much i could freaking scream)
mini podcast roundup: i fell off for a minute but i fear ish and joe budden have recaptured my heart with this one. my babes jennifer romolini and kimberly harrington just started a podcast called no country for old women, which is kind of a for us/by us situation for us withered crones. i do learn a lot from van and rachel on higher learning. grits and eggs, banger. pablo torre finds out, banger. the read, forever and always banging. also leon neyfakh, my number one podcast boyfriend of life, just put out a new one about jerry springer and of course it’s great.
one of the major joys of my life is receiving r eric thomas’ newsletter here for it in the ol’ inbox every other week. i also very much enjoy alynda segarra’s resist psychic death, brain matter by gabriella karefa-johnson for informed fashion advice/information i will never use because i only wear black pajamas, and brit pop, a new newsletter by brittany spanos who used to write for rolling stone. yassir lester is one of the absolute funniest people i actually know irl and he started a substack a month ago, let’s all take this ride together. (he is so stupid, complimentary, i can’t wait to see what this becomes.) i also really like hope rehak’s obsessions this week, which provides exactly what i want from the internet: suggestions of this to read/watch from someone i feel like i would be irl friends with. i can’t do it on my own; i can’t zoom out from the entire internet and decide for myself where my eyeballs and eardrums should go. i need some personalized curation, i need some cutie with specific interests to tell me about things they are enjoying, and i need them delivered into my eyeballs without the bored snark you get from a lot of reviewers and their websites. oh, everything fucking sucks except this one extremely niche thing i had to pay eight dollars to read and spend thirty-seven minutes scrolling to find? fuck y’all.
in that same vein i joined the mr cutts’ chop shop patreon a few weeks ago and it’s my new most favorite thing. he’s an adorable british dude with a lovely accent who puts out an hourlong radio show every week where he stands in front of a record player with a mug of hot tea and tells stories and talks music history and plays excellent tunes. i don’t even remember how i heard about him but i’ve watched and/or listened to most of the available episodes and haven’t encountered a bad one yet. totally worth the five bucks a month or whatever it costs, truly another stellar addition to my “cool people who curate things i’m into” roster.
i’m still watching love story in fits and starts (i’m sorry, it’s the fucking playoffs) and lots of other people have more educated opinions on it than i ever will so you gotta go find one of those if you need critical analysis. to me, it is a gorgeous show that pleasantly washes over my eyeballs and i like it. i like old taxicabs and answering machines and watching beautiful people smoke delicious cigarettes, what can i say. part of caroline’s lore is that she swears by egyptian musk oil, which is yet another thing she and i have in common, the first three being: beauty, grace, and poise. my favorite musk oils that will make people want to nuzzle all into your sweaty neck:
kiehls musk oil (okay, it looks like maybe they don’t make the oil anymore? which is devastating, why can’t i have anything good)
cyklar sex musk
wag’s egyptian musk
kuumba made egyptian musk
nemat vanilla musk and/or egyptian musk
foundling and glow up and nessie the puddle serpent
bargz natural egyptian musk (i have a bottle of this on my person literally at all times)
while we’re here, let’s get into the soundtrack? banger after banger, bop after bop, especially for a 90s teenager currently drowning in midlife nostalgia.
damn i wish i was your lover sophie b hawkins “give me an hour to kiss you / walk through heaven's door i'm sure we don't need no doctor to feel much better / let me in forever and ever and ever and everrrrrrrr”
roads portishead “storm in the morning light / i feel / no more can i say / frozen to myself / i got nobody on my side / and surely that ain't right”
keep on movin’ soul II soul “stay in my life always / yellow is the color of sun rays / i hide myself from no one / know the time will surely come / when you'll be in my life, my life always”
no ordinary love sade “keep trying for you / keep crying for you / keep lying for you / keep flying and i'm falling”
sullen girl fiona apple “all day and all night i wander the halls along the walls / and under my breath i say to myself ‘i need fuel to take flight’”
exit music for a film radiohead “and you can laugh / a spineless laugh / we hope your rules and wisdom choke you / now we are one in everlasting peace / we hope that you choke”
secret madonna god dammit THIS ENTIRE ALBUM. do enough people talk about it? forbidden love! take a bow! love tried to welcome me! bedtime story! inside of me!
it ain’t over til it’s over lenny kravitz “how many times did we give up? but we always worked things out and all my doubts and fears kept me wondering, yeah / if i'd always, always be in love”
set adrift on memory bliss pm dawn “she broke her wishbone and wished for a sign / i told her whispers in my heart were fine / what did she think she could do? / i feel for her, i really do”
you wreck me tom petty while you’re bumping this on the big speakers, i also love: house in the woods! time to move on! it’s good to be king! you don’t know how it feels! wake up time! don’t fade on me!!!
i love big, stupid fucking pants and i have been drooling over these ones ever since instagram fed me an ad for them a few weeks ago. i don’t know, brother: they are Really Freaking Cool but i don’t live the kind of life that justifies one hundred and sixty-eight dollar pants. i go, like, three places? and at two of those i don’t even get out of the fucking car. will report back.
speaking of kinda embarrassing downbad nonsense, melissa and i downloaded the quinn app a couple days ago and are now sharing joint custody of a membership, and let’s talk for one second about how next level audio smut is? love to listen to an old man panting out of the speakers in my car. i wasn’t gonna get the app but then i saw they got shawn hatosy and his big titties to moan and groan while fucking some lady in a kitchen i knew i needed to immediately sign up. we cannot get enough of these. i desperately need some more hunks talking me through it. here’s my wishlist:
henry cavill and ken leung and naveen andrews
will poulter and keith david and mahershala ali
antonio banderas and sam elliott and michael ealy
larenz tate and theo james and the reanimated corpse of jack palance
clive owen and tom hiddleston and morris chestnut
also…………………..KATHLEEN TURNER
some upbeat tunes i’ve been blasting on repeat:
geordie greep holy, holy
gelli haha tiramisu
jungle keep me satisfied
willow wait a minute!
kaytranada feat HER intimidated
avon stringer & jesse rose pressure
n’dambi call me
hayley williams dead horse (hot chip remix)
christine and the queens science fiction
okay babies! goodnight, sleep tight!