song i’m listening to on repeat while working on this: ziplock saba
it’s my favorite time of year so i’m in a great mood: it’s the first round of the nba playoffs!! there are, like, three games on every night? that is a dream to me. and most of them are on TNT, which means i get multiple hours a week with my best guys. detroit lost the other night (on some bullshit) but they’re fun to watch no matter what (that ref should go to jail) and i’m gonna be yelling my face off for them tonight, despite being fully mesmerized by one jalen marquis brunson. brunson’s dickhead energy is irresistible to me, even though he seems like he’s mad all the time. maybe i just like when a man hates me. i’m also obsessed with anthony edwards and nicola jokic, but as a bitch who loves a revenge storyline i’m kinda sad to see luka out so early. see them in cancun, i guess? on the flip side of that, i like sga and all those little cuties on the thunder and would be thrilled if those young dudes won the chip. and i’m also into that young rockets team, even though i will always have a benny the bull-shaped spot in my heart for steve kerr.
sorry for my pivot to a.m. drive guy on 670 the score, BUT: i just saw a clip of a tiny first grader left to represent himself, alone, in a united states immigration courtroom and refreshing the news all day makes me feel like i’m poisoning myself to death the slow way, and sports talk is the only thing that distracts me from the unyielding desire to lie down in heavy traffic. i like so many of these windbags but the ones most in the rotation these days have been: defector, r/billsimmons, dan lebatard, pablo torre’s podcast, kentucky sports radio, all the smoke, the elle duncan show, john ourand’s puck column, ryan clark, PTI, awful announcing, r/nba, bomani jones, etc etc
jasmine guillory wrote a gay lady romance novel??? copped immediately.
my gorgeous and extremely patient book publicist jordan rodman (yes that is her real name, it’s bugged out that being my anything is a real person’s actual job) emailed to ask if i wanted to be on this podcast sleeping with celebrities (WHO? is a celebrity around here??) where i would be given the opportunity to drone on ad nauseam about a single dull subject for an hour because the point of each episode is to lull the listener to sleep. i said of course i wanted to do that, because i would love to be in charge of someone’s nightmares. and i’m obsessed with so many boring things. i could do at least an hour on why i like the type of pencils i do for my crossword puzzles or my late-in-life appreciation for vinegar in my cooking, or perhaps i could talk about the many destructive activities my feline companions enjoy or perform long stretches of dialogue from casino verbatim.
i’ve done stuff with john moe before, so i already knew dude was a good time, but recording this podcast might’ve been the most fun i’ve ever had in my life? i hope you can tell, i was trying to be mellow enough to put people to sleep but my clown blood is just too strong. anyway, for bedtime: just picking up some stuff at the drugstore
tubi orginals still got me firmly in a chokehold!!! nothing compares to a saturday afternoon spent squinting at the dumbest (read: greatest) movies of all time on a laptop that is so hot and old it’s third-degree burning my legs! my predictions for the oscar for best movie that looks like it was shot on an iphone 8 with a cracked screen:
-wrong place, wrong time after a cop’s daughter witnesses a brutal murder, she teams up with an unlikely ally to unravel the mystery before becoming the killer’s next target. best actress nom for: apryl jones aka omarion’s kid’s mom!!!
-picture me dead when a district attorney’s niece is murdered and the man responsible is exonerated, she puts everything on the line to bring the killer to justice. best actress nom for: erica mena??? thrilling to see the love and hip hop to tubi pipeline flourishing!!!!!
-my husband hired a hitman when a greedy husband seeks a hitman to murder his wife and get her money, she will stop at nothing to fight back and seek revenge.
-best friend trisha and jamie have been best friends since grade school and have never thought of one another in a romantic way. however, things start to change when trisha meets a new guy and jamie begins to question his place in the friend zone. best supporting actor nom for: marques houston, who was robbed in 2004.
-the manny when a single mom hires a handsome and qualified male nanny, she can't believe her luck. but the manny is hiding dangerous secrets and will do whatever it takes to hold onto his new family.
-i hate you to death a woman teams up with her “sister wives” to plan the ultimate retaliation after learning that her husband is living three separate lives!!!
-lord of the streets when a trainer refuses to make his fighter throw a match, a notorious gangster collects the debt by killing his fighter and kidnapping his daughter. best actor nom for: TREACH?????? also, best supporting actor nom for: RICHARD GRIECO??????????????
various things i’m loving:
-the new annie hartnett novel the road to tender hearts (it features a cat who can predict death, JOHN IRVING BLURBED IT i mean come on)
-popcorn popped in salty coconut oil
-these skunk stamps the post office made just for me
-pattern beauty curl mousse, farmacy green clean
-the trailer for the movie THE ROSES
-musk oils, leopard print, colorful handkerchiefs
-rewatching spy and the heat (melissa mccarthy i love you, you’re a genius)
-kara brown’s new newsletter
-choitotheworld
-pizza beans, iced green tea, a costco salad kit as a zero-effort depression meal
-i read embedded multiple times a week
-brown tinted glasses for daytime
-O CAFTAN MY CAFTAN
-metamucil capsules
-heating up the steering wheel even though it’s sixty degrees outside
-learning how to make a margarita
my lady and i have done some road trips recently and thank god for whoever invented podcasts, because we do not talk enough about how anxiety-inducing it is to be forced to watch the reactions of someone listening to a playlist you made while trapped in a moving vehicle on the interstate with them. i have TASTE and still it stresses me out to be responsible for the aux cord; i don’t want to fuck up the vibes from here all the way to indianapolis??? it’s too much pressure for a regular person.
last month we took a long weekend and spent the entire car ride both there and back in dead silence, captivated by the good whale. the podcast covers the life and career of keiko, the orca who starred in free willy, and you don’t even have to be a whale freak like me to enjoy it. the show is so fucking great and you will definitely weep at the end and risk driving your car into a ditch alongside some country ass backroad. last weekend, we hit the road again and this time listened to bone valley, which is also the title of my sex tape. i love a narrative podcast, i love reporting and journalism, i love a whiskey-soaked, grizzled narrator, i love exonerating the wrongly convicted: this one is very good.
in that same vein, my stepkid and i have been watching that karen read docuseries and that bitch is not guilty, right??? not to be matlock (“fatlock?” let’s workshop that later) but those wounds on my man’s arm that had pig dna in them??!!!?! come on! is it obvious the dog fucked that guy up and the people at the party chose to dump him outside, or am i fucking dumb? i guess what i’m asking is why is this lady on trial when a sentient vodka soda could prove reasonable doubt??? judge mathis coulda knocked this case out in less that twenty-five minutes.
i’m currently watching: season two of the last of us; the last episode of dope thief, i love you brian tyree henry, every episode is heart attack-level stressful, AND YET i am riveted; long bright river ep 5; starstruck, the most charming and sexy and funny show ever created, for a second time!
paused in the middle of: kingsman the golden circle, little red glasses, real housewives of atlanta season 16 episode 6, nosferatu (extended cut)
finished abbott elementary (the karoke episode made me laugh so hard i almost threw up), finished drag race (MY QUEEN), finished yellowjackets (gay and insane, i liked it), finished the white lotus (also gay and insane, i liked it), finished severance (i still don’t get anything that ever happens), finished the pitt (i feel like i’m dying without it, i am desperate to feel dr. robby’s hands on my body).
saw sinners (liked it very much, feel like we as a society don’t talk enough about how disarmingly sexy michael b jordan is? if i even got close enough to smell him i would melt into my orthopedic shoes).
i have plans to watch: THE ACCOUNTANT 2; black bag, that soderbergh spy movie starring lydia tár; drop, which looks incredible (i.e. violent and 90 minutes long); freaky tales, to pay homage to my man too short and for the (spiritual, emotional) eiffel tower of jay ellis and pedro pascal; companion looks bloody and fun to me, but maybe i am just dazzled by young juliette lewis. this trailer for the movie sorry, baby looks like a jam. corey stoll alert!!!! i gotta watch the gladiator sequel and running point and the tom hardy mob show and wolf man and fight night and top chef and holy fucking shit the only show on television is finally coming back??? there simply is not enough time for any of this!
there’s a new beirut album and i don’t know how to explain why every piece of music they make is perfect but it just is. how to even describe it, harmonious moaning? gorgeously melodic funeral dirge?? keening to a beat??? if you’re into, i don’t know, unsettling church hymns you will probably like it. i usually listen to their records over and over in their entirety at full volume until the songs kind of all blend together and i start astral projecting, BUT: if i had to pick a single selection off this new record to hook you with it would be the most gorgeous of all the gorgeouses, caspian tiger. now i’m second guessing myself, naturally, so follow that up with ghost train. also………………….listen to forest encyclopedia, maybe? okay and also if you enjoy these (and you’re made of time) this one is a banger and this is a fucking jam and so is this. honestly they just might not have any bad songs, so why not listen to all of them?
a little dance mixtape to get your body right:
separated iamnobodi
horny cajmere
fire kah-lo
meditation goldlink
love can’t turn around darryl pandy
keep on d-train
heartbreak hotel the jacksons
it makes you forget peggy gou
love drug lady gaga
betty (for boogie) jamila woods
bodyheat james brown
intimidated kaytrana feat HER
gaslight inji
i can’t get along without you vance and suzzanne
the sweetest meditation lord echo
watching out split decision band
body move dizzy fae
honey eyes heesu (what a fucking BOP)
ok love u bye