i have injected heated rivalry into my veins, where it is currently competing with 80 milligrams of prozac and 150 milligrams of wellbutrin for control of my brain, and i’m not sure which one is winning but i feel fucking great. this is the kind of softcore porn that viscerally reminds you what all your holes are for. i feel like a teenage girl in the body of an elderly gay man!!!!!!!
here are some fan edits i’ve been watching on a continuous loop, because this show has truly rearranged my brain chemistry in a matter of days:
ilya and shane all kissing moments
it’s probably gross to hear this since i gave birth to you, BUT: i am obsessed with this show and these babygirls. they are all i think about now? i am uninterested in any conversational topic other than men kissing on each other or what the rules of hockey are. omg the kissing is toe-curling, get ready to be like eeyuckkkk you gross bitch, but the sound editor? the foley artist??? give them a goddamn raise. i was texting with melissa last night and she was like “ugh i hate the sounds” and i was like “GIRL THAT IS THE BEST PART ARE YOU NUTS.” i bought new wired earbuds for this! so i could listen to them grunting in panoramic sound!! the kissing isn’t sloppy or gross or too wet; it’s the perfect decibel of soft, sticky lips pulling apart, of sensual whispering, of hot moaning. just thinking about it makes my heart flutter. i might have to end my years long best friendship with melissa, what in the hell is wrong with her ears?
ilya and shane going from rivals to lovers in ten minutes
remember when the twilight books first came out and your aunt sandy started dressing up like a werewolf and spending three hours in line outside the expo center, her matted brown fur broiling her alive under a punishing sun, just to get into a convention for the chance to take a photo with a besparkled edward cullen lookalike? that’s me now, except i’m wearing a yassified hockey jersey and looking up plane tickets to montreal.
1:21 of shane and ilya in the hospital
JAH BLESS THE TEENS. i barely know how to crop a meme so it doesn’t look like i stole it, and these kids are out here adding text and graphics and making jump cuts and shit? like what kinds of phones are they using? what future technologies do they have access to??? stephen spielberg found dead in a fucking ditch!
scott and kip kiss
does this show look especially degrassi: butt sex high during this episode? well, yes! but i don’t mind it. i watched the real degrassi in high school homeroom so i am intimately familiar with the vibes. it’s hard for me to take the name “kip” seriously, but that’s because it sounds like the name of a bully on the wonder years. kip is the name of one of barbie’s lesser homeboys that comes in a box with no accessories, not a human man i’m supposed to believe has a job and personal interests!!!!! scott is so gorgeous my fucking god, truly one of the hottest dudes i have ever seen in my miserable life and also a GROWN ASS MAN. an adult who knows he wants to fuck the smoothie guy and regularly leaves 50% tips on blended juice until he makes it happen. this might be a controversial take, but this is the kind of fairytale that those of us who have invisibly toiled behind the crusty counter of a mouse-infested food establishment patronized by rich idiots daydreamed about.
don’t marry svetlana to i love you
the two most important things here: hollander’s little tears shining in his glassy eyes, threatening to spill over, when he tells rozanov not to marry the russian girl; and the way he says “omg i love you so much” into rozanov’s hair while desperately clutching ilya’s head to his bosom and smooching him. babes, this is romance!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ilya rozanov being (un)intentionally funny for almost 9 minutes
it’s true, i would let rozanov slam my head hard against the plexiglass in an ice rink as many times as he wanted. not to say that hollander isn’t heartbreakingly adorable, i just like it when a man is a little mean. not fighting mean, funny mean!
WANNA KNOW HOW SICK IN THE HEAD I AM??? i read two of the six books in the series this past weekend. 700+ pages of horny gay smut in two days. i don’t read my own writing that fucking fast, but it goes down easy, like a [REDACTED] oozing down a [REDACTED]. the sex is so fucking graphic it makes me blush, and i’m disgusting. i don’t think i’ve ever seen the word “slit” so many times in my life? when you watch the show it’s like, “okay ilya is offscreen, pushing up shane’s knees, i can infer that he’s probably doing something in his butt.” and then the books are like, “HIS HUGE MASSIVE RIPPLING VEINY COCK DRIPPED HOT, SLIMY PRECUM AS ILYA PLUNGED HIS TONGUE INTO SHANE’S QUIVERING HOLE.” homegirl leaves nothing to the imagination and i am grateful for that. i’m also learning a lot, like what frotting is (DO NOT CLICK ON THAT AT YOUR JOB) and that it takes three lubed-up fingers to prepare a young man’s asshole for a nine-inch dick. i basically have an advanced degree in prostate stimulation at this point.
i’ve seen the ~discourse~ and can’t speak for all women, matter of fact i shouldn’t even speak for this one woman, but for me the thing that makes the books and show most appealing is that it’s easy to project onto these men without the reflexive analysis of, say, wondering why no one ever put their multimillion-dollar professional hockey career in jeopardy for me. no need to speculate on whether or not if i had a different body or a better personality someone would have fucked up their entire life just to put their gigantic dick in my butt in the empty building i bought for us to fuck in. it’s a relief to be a braindead voyeur, to watch my biological sons who are also my husbands kiss each other on the mouth without thinking something stupid and nasty about myself.
my friend cody cook-parrot wrote in their newsletter “i did not expect a show about closeted gay hockey players to rearrange the inner architecture of my heart” which, i think, gets right to the heart of what really bangs about this show: IT’S ROMANTIC AS HELL. it’s yearning, it’s terror, it’s unbridled lust, it’s fear of potential rejection, it’s longing, it’s quiet suffering, it’s acceptance, it’s triumphant love!!!!!
a grab bag of tiktoks and edits (i love this fandom sm):
-doll reenactment
-a russian’s adorable reaction to ilya’s monologue in ep 5
-hayden’s POV during that phone call
-rozanov’s glorious, built like a brick shithouse body
-at the cottage, starring googly-eyed pop bottles
-the boys as cats???
-the BIG OLE FREAK edit that got banned (hottttttttt and explicit bby, you’re welcome)
new guns n’ roses? in the year of our lord 2026??? bless you, gods of rock. and it’s A FREAKING SMASH. axl sounds incredible. i love when old ass singers start to get what i like to call “goat voice.” i feel like my mom when al green pivoted back to secular music in the mid-90s. like…………..you made this just for me, right?
it starts out with some extremely eighties soft rock a.m. radio keyboards, then transitions into a sexy midtempo metal love song.
i mean, this song is not for moshing, this song is not for headbanging, this song probably won’t make you throw up the devil horns, this song is a fucking ballad: “there's nothin' i can see / that could mean more to me / than what you are to me / oh, my love.” EXCUSE ME?? and then: “on the reckless sea / of vindication / your love has given me / a new way to redeem myself / when it feels like no one else / would ever care to save me.” OKAY??? then a super gorgina slash solo, he’s amazing, followed by some grade-A hardcore axl screeching at the tippy top of his register: “without your love i'd never make it / without your love i'm so alone / without you i'd never make it / without you i'd never make this thing alone.”
HELLO????? why am i not currently listening to this while writhing in my panties atop the hood of a candy apple-red vintage porsche cabriolet? i need to be somewhere on a book cover running my hands through fabio’s lustrous locks to truly appreciate this masterpiece! it transports me right back to the only place i ever want to be: 1997. i wish i could make a fucking mixtape for my crush, “nothin’” would be side A track 3. somebody make me a supercut of all my hockey sons kissing each other with this as the soundtrack, please!!!!!
A PLAYLIST FOR HAVING GAY SEX
1-800-IM-HORNY kamaiyah (2:44)
orgasmatron! avenue d (3:30)
H2hoe cupcakKe (3:05)
shake that spank rock and benny blanco (3:09)
rim job kim petras (2:44)
don’t call me baby madison avenue (3:48)
hut hut hut hut sturdy youngin and vickeelo (3:34)
if him lef lady saw (3:45)
spookie coochie doechii (2:56)
ALPHAPUSSY pixel grip (3:37)
fat, juicy, & wet sexyy red and bruno mars (2:24)
addictive truth hurts and rakim (3:46)
212 azealia banks (3:25)
fuck your face peaches (2:49)
heaven’s little bastard bbymutha (2:25)
PEGGY ceechynaa (2:39)
bongos cardi b and megan thee stallion (2:57)
girls kissing girls jucee froot and juicy j (3:49)
shibari featurette (2:31)
make you scream VTSS (2:43)
lovertits peaches (4:44)
bossa nova kash doll + tee grizzley (2:36)
GOOD PUSS cobrah (2:33)
pussy talk city girls and doja (3:38)
throat goat kim petras (2:20)
abracadabra qveen herby (2:26)
grindin’ and shakin’ yo! majesty (3:42)
talk talk charli xcx and troye sivan (2:53)
S.L.U.T. ppcocaine (1:55)
pull over trina (3:20)
tell me does she love the bass lesbians on ecstasy (4:52)
like me chase icon (1:58)
donkey punch avenue d (2:55)
WORK THIS PUSSY teyana taylor and mykki blanco (2:46)
this shit knocks, and there’s plenty of time for both foreplay and extended penetration in case hearing a repeat might fuck up your flow state. and i put a tidal mixtape together because I JUST LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH: a playlist for having gay sex!!!!!!!!!!!!! you don’t have to be gay, or actively getting fucked, to enjoy it. happy new year.