HELL YEAH BROTHER

unserious tattoos, grownup bedclothes, the new marina album, etc etc

i’ve had a couple things on repeat lately
the new marina album is a mother! fucking! jam! it kind of reminds me of that banging ass first la roux record? happy, bouncy disco beats, lots of high octave singing, computer bleeps and bloops, just party music from start to finish. i’m a lady gaga freak and marina kinda does the same thing i love about gaga, expressive operatic singing and rapping (????) over synths and dance music. every song hits but i can’t get enough: everybody knows i’m sad / princess of power / i <3 you / final boss
the past is still alive hurray for the riff raff i snuck home to see ani difranco play a show in evanston and hurray for the riff raff opened, and maybe i actually went to see hurray for the riff raff and ani difranco just happened to be there because damn i love that band. my lady got super duper into them a few years ago and they came to kalamazoo and played a (criminally under-attended) show at bell’s and were so dope i was like “i, too, have to make liking this band my new personality.” and we’ve seen them two or three times since, which is absurd for a self-identified shut in and a woman who is under the covers in pajamas at eight every night, and every single performance has been transcendent!
“one mo’ gin” and “feel like making love” d’angelo why why why do only good people keep dying?

where are the nightgowns? i know i am showing my extreme age, BUT: i would like them to become a widely-available thing again. i don’t want an old vermont country store ass nightgown, i know where to get those, nor do i want a giant sleep tee with a phrase like “but first, coffee” slapped on the front in glitter. is it too much to ask for a shin-length garment with a sleeve made from a fabric that doesn’t feel like lotion and intended for an adult woman? i don’t want to sleep strangulated by thin straps or suffocated by ruffles, nor do i want my raw ass touching the sheets or to be constricted by pajama bottoms! universal standard used to make a banging one but they discontinued it as a personal slight to me only, which is one of the many unfounded-seeming fears that i have that have actually come to fruition. i recently bought this beetlejuice-ass, scrooge mcduck-ass shit to road test how furious sleeping in a billowy collared shirt will make me, can’t wait to wake up in a rage to find the collar torn off and every single button strewn across the floor!

savory snacks! first i gotta shout out snacker crackers, which are deceptively tasty considering that they just look like basic-ass crackers you could find at any gas station. my publicist jordan rodman (best name ever? yes) put me onto them because there’s nothing screams irby like “fancy $9 saltines.” jordan lives in new york, so i imagine you can find them on every street corner, but we middle americans have to order them online, which is a huge risk for something so crumbly and delicate. i expected to open the box to clumpy shards of former-crackers, but each container was wrapped snugly in giant bubble wrap and there were maybe two that had broken? i’m never ordering them again because i hate feeling ridiculous, but if you see them in whatever major metropolitan upscale grocery city you live in snatch some up for real.
trader joe’s furikake snack mix oh hell yeah brother this shit is absolutely delicious. it’s made of sesame sticks and cereal and seaweed and mochis and fritos and wasabi peas and that sounds kinda revolting but trust me it fucks. i like to make fun of trader joe’s joke foods, but when they hit they fucking HIT.
seafood snackers (don’t click if you have an unreliable gag reflex) it’s always (real and artificial) fish bitch hours over here, and let’s be honest: there are simply not enough fish-based snack foods in this country. does anyone want this other than me? probably not! but i need shrimp chips in my life!
zapp’s cajun dill gator-tators (yes that is humiliating to type) make my fucking tongue hurt but they’re worth it, especially if you’re a dill pickle guy such as myself.
moonions i feel like i heard somewhere that the person who runs this company is a shithead but [“is mastercard my friend?”] i’m not doing research on the potato chip man!! so in addition to fishy snacks i also love an onion snack, and this is where i should come up with a pithy joke about craving gross foods but you know if i was pregnant you would’ve already seen my immaculate conception on the news.

here is how i feel about permanent tattoos: it is absolutely fine if they are ugly and stupid. as a matter of fact, they should be, and all of them literally are. even if you think you have cool ones guess what, you don’t. every tattoo i have ever seen looks like it could’ve been a mistake; that’s part of their charm! a few months ago i was staring at my hands willing them to write something good (impossible) and my fingers were looking kind of naked; yes, i already had some knuckle tattoos, but if we’re keeping it a buck they would be more hardcore if they were bigger and that’s on me for not realizing it seven years ago when i got them. but the girl was new and had just finished her apprenticeship and was visibly unnerved and also who cares. i got it in my head that i wanted some supplemental finger tattoos to fill up the empty space, probably because i am bored and am not really doing anything with my life right now.
gordie is old enough to have “a friend who does [his] tattoos,” so my old ass did a thing i do not like: DM’d a young person to try to coordinate an event. i’m not kidding when i say that homegirl took actual weeks to figure everything out and get back to me, so long that i started saying turbo-boomer shit like, “what’s the problem? does she hate money? this is bad business!” to the kids as they googled nursing homes to deposit me into. anyway, we eventually linked up and i got some abstract designs and a kitten paw and a couple wilted flowers on my intermediate phalanges (??) and a lot of the ink has already fallen out because that’s a casualty of washing your hands all the time. can’t wait to see how fucked up and blown out they look in a few years!

current fave ____
meme page shrimpdicc
banger “girl like me” pinkpantheress + kaytranada
better-than-the-fancy-ones moisturizer oil of olay
t-shirt this orange one from lands end of all places???
depression cure scare prank videos
basic ass seasonal candle this pumpkin one
television show girl THE DIPLOMAT is back
extra strength hypertonic nasal mist lolll neilmed
lullaby “sunset” andy shauf
informative podcast diabolical lies
bakeoff contestant aaron!! but only because that tall lesbian got booted too soon
brand new horror novel i just bought crafting for sinners jenny kiefer
imaginary couple jlo and brett goldstein
baseball player big dumper
newsletter not written by me more to hate
gorgeous song to get stoned to “floating parade” michael kiwanuka
cuss word you’ll never guess
real housewives of miami subplot whatever adriana is doing at any given moment
ice cold beverage milo’s delicious diet iced tea
perfume oil cyklar sex musk
crossword puzzle book 99 TV crosswords
babygirl MARSHAWN LYNCH
song i heard in an episode of queenie “stay” debbie
rapid relief pain medicine seth, matt rogers, and bowen go day drinking (11:39 especially)
lip product this french stuff
recent tiny desk tame impala and/or carlos vives
overdue book i need to take back to the library the catch yrsa daley-ward
item i unfortunately am forced to purchase at my local meijer because no place within a fifty mile radius makes the real thing golden krust jamaican patties
skarsgård alexander!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
instant party starter “pressure” jesse rose

does anyone else remember brother franklin? i sincerely hope he is doing okay. the rest of you, too.