i wrote another book
please buy it or i will die
here we go again with this shit.
for those of you who thought i just watch judge mathis for a job, i am unfortunately about to ruin your lives: i make books and occasionally have to implore you to buy them. lucky for you they are very funny and, frankly, disgusting. they are also cheap.
the plumber was here earlier and nothing is more embarrassing than having to tell a man wearing heavy work boots and industrial kneepads that my work is making jokes about being depressed on the internet and trying to explain “what my book is about” but here’s what i couldn’t tell him:
i wrote about getting a gross little pandemic dog and the anxiety of sending him to school with well-behaved pedigreed dogs who know how to hold their poop
i wrote about how to look cool in front of teenagers who think you’re boring and don’t understand your dated pop culture references
i wrote an uncomfortably detailed recap of my favorite porn in which these two old nuns get busy in an abandoned convent or some shit
i wrote about how i got really into QVC as a middle-aged shut-in with a credit card and how i’ve come to think of the hosts as my actual friends
i wrote about trying to make a show based on my book and learning the excruciatingly long and hard way that hollywood is like wow no thank you to me as a ~concept~
i wrote about how my lizard brain took over my regular brain and how i just had to get a psychiatrist after having a complete nervous breakdown (hilarious, i know)
i wrote about how red lobster is fancy and good actually, and about how my sister worked at mcdonald’s as her real job for a long time with no shame, and how the grocery store hot bar gives you a chance to reinvent yourself
plus so many other dumb ass things. anyway, here is a convenient link to preorder it from wherever you like to get your books…BUT.
i am essentially a recluse who doesn’t spend a lot of time outside of my house because i absolutely lost my mind a couple months ago and my various brain medicines haven’t righted the ship yet, so i don’t think i’m going on tour. which is fine, it’s still a pandemic, etc etc. but people like signed books! when wow no thank you came out i drew literally thousands of dicks and hearts and rainbows in books for people in my dining room and that was pretty cool? so my pals at bookbug and i are doing that again. there’s no surcharge and i’ll write whatever you want (love poem, recipe, marriage proposal), you just have to:
-pay the sticker price $17
-be patient because my jerking off hand and my signing books hand are one and the same and she gets tired!
if you would like me to provide this service you can do so HERE, and don’t fret i will literally put this link in every newsletter for the next two years.
the judge and i will see you guys tomorrow. thank you very much, i love you.