the plaintiff: treva from tracy, california. she’s wearing black pants and a black shirt with sheer sleeves, and her auburn hair is in that, like, swooped-up clipped-back bang style that i don’t actually know the name of?
the defendant: guadalupe from modesto, california. guadalupe says that when he met treva she claimed that she wanted to stay celibate until marriage, but three days into their relationship they started having sex. i love that this is what’s deemed worthy of the intro. not HEY I DON’T OWE THIS WOMAN, but “she banged me when she said she wouldn’t and that goes against my values.” i wonder if treva can sue for back sex like the government can come for back taxes.
the complaint: treva dated guadalupe and thought he was a hardworking christian man until she discovered he had a criminal background. unless he robbed a church, what’s the fucking problem?
what does she want: $470 for an unpaid loan. countersuit, in the name of the lord: guadalupe wants $2300 for personal property and harassment! (he is never going to get that, but it will be fun to watch him try.)
how it went down: treva met the defendant on an “online dating website” (uh oh) and he portrayed himself as an honest, hardworking christian man. first of all, how. he just typed it? girl you can type anything! watch:
i am smart.
i am wealthy.
i am the heiress to the hershey family fortune.
see? i typed it! but that doesn’t make any of it true! dating online was never very successful for me because people on the internet hate EXTREME BEAUTY and JOKES, but during my many fruitless attempts at romance at least my expectations always matched the circumstances; i am realistic, if nothing else. you have to go into it thinking “i can’t wait to meet this sketchy liar for sex,” not “get the priest on the phone, this hardworking stranger who typed six words in response to my painfully detailed christian mingle profile is going to make a wife outta me yet!”
treva and guadalupe quickly jumped into a relationship and a week later entered into a “business agreement.” i’m not surprised because literally nothing is surprising but you can’t tell people where you fucking live after only a week let alone go into business with them? i am from the middle west and i am very nice and trusting but sometimes hearing shit like this just vexes me, like how in 2019 are these things happening to people with internet access? have news organizations completely stopped making PSAs?! anyway, treva also gave this absolute stranger $10,000.
guadalupe says that he met treva on plenty of fish dot com, and they had their first date at a starbucks, to which she brought her daughter. (unless her daughter is also her bodyguard WTF WITH THESE CHOICES, HONEY.) two days later he was staying at her house, and by the third day he had not only brought clothes to keep at her crib but they’d also begun sleeping together. well i hope the fuck so if you’re already mixing your shirts in with her laundry. these revelations are so casual that it makes me feel like i’m losing my miiiiiiiind. $10,000? meh! moved in on the 3rd day of knowing each other? pffft! MAJOR LIFE EVENTS dropped as casually as i would say “hey i’m going to the gas station.” all of my friends are a minimum of 40 years of age and they all still send me screenshots of text conversations with people they’ve dated off and on for six years without having seen the inside of their apartment like “do u think she’s actually into me or should i get back on raya?”
do you know the kind of relationship we’d have to have for me to give you $10,000? first of all, it would have to be one in which i felt comfortable admitting to you that i had ROBBED A FUCKING BANK, because i would never have ten grand just lying around that wasn’t already earmarked for some other purpose like “getting the internal revenue service off my nuts” or “purchasing a black market kidney.” i’d also need to be at a place in my life where not having that money wouldn’t haunt me every single fucking day until i died, because the number one rule of lending is DON’T GIVE AWAY MONEY YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO NEVER SEE AGAIN. y’all know this, right? maybe this actually is a psa!
guadalupe says that treva told him she loved him three days after they met and honestly i’m fine with that. she also changed his diet three days in and SLOW DOWN GIRL YOU ARE MOVING WAY TOO FAST. i need a few weeks before you swap my pudding cups for cauliflower rice, babe. let’s ease into this! treva says that he begged her to help him with his diet and begged her to help him stop drinking, that he begged her to “make him a better man,” and yep i’m switching sides again because this is 100% believable. dudes always act like you can’t wait to make a craft project out of them, when in reality they turn up on your doorstep like a wet bag of old fabric scraps and a couple dried-up glue sticks then expect you to knit them into a decent boyfriend. CASE CLOSED.
the ruling: guadalupe told treva he owned a pizza restaurant and needed $400 to buy ingredients. come on now. what is happening here?! treva said that she never went to the restaurant, just trusted he owned one because he said he did. you know, this would all make sense if she was like “listen judge, he showed up at my house holding a piping hot thin crust pepperoni with onions and fucked the shit out of me so yes i actually fell in love that night and gave him my checkbook the next morning.” that i would understand. free pizza and sex on demand?! why thank you, HERE HAVE TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.
guadalupe claims that the money was a gift to help start a food truck venture that they were going into together but hold up buddy pump those brakes: TEXT MESSAGE PRINTOUTS TO THE RESCUE. of course when she texted him to ask about her money he replied “i’ll pay you back in a week,” in writing. greg looks like the cat that caught the goddamn canary. he loves evidence! guadalupe perjured himself, his case is dismissed, and treva gets $400 of her $10,000 back. (here’s hoping there’s another case for the rest of the money pending in criminal gigolo court, or that maybe she spread the total amount across several televised courtroom shows? remind me to set the DVR to record judge milian!) ugh anyway, why are there so few good scammers? all this dude had to do, apparently, was eat his boiled kale and engage in premarital sex and he could’ve been the food truck king of suburban california. why is everybody so bad at this? anna delvey where art thou?!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: greg asked if they had “fornicated” during their christian courtship because premarital sex is a sin and, to her credit, treva answered “i am a sinner.”