who was on judge mathis yesterday? #223
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiffs: ryan and edgar from townsend, delaware. and yes, before you even ask, it did take me several seconds longer than it should have to figure out that “DE” was the abbreviation for delaware, and no i did not google it to make 100% sure. what am i, a scientist? okay so ryan and edgar are wearing boldly colored dress shirts straight out of structure circa 1999 but hold up: did y’all know you can get structure clothes at sears now????? i googled “structure magenta dress shirt for a man” and was directed to sears dot com, which apparently purchased them in the early 2000s after express men didn’t want them anymore. oh, the halcyon days of youth! anyway i’m not sure who is who yet but the dude on the left is older and sporting a navy blue dress shirt right out of the package paired with a grey tie and the same look of exasperation i have every morning when i realize i’ve awoken to yet another day in hell, and the young man on the right is wearing a similarly-creased slate dress shirt with a skinny, shiny black tie.
defendant: brennan from townsend, delaware. the only thing i can see when brennan enters the courtroom is his glistening gray satin tie, not because the overhead lights are reflecting off it like the sun shining directly on the biggest mirror on earth, but because it’s so long it appears to be grazing his balls?????? i can’t even concentrate because my guy is wearing a fucking jumprope around his neck!!!!!!!!! i’m obsessed.
the complaint: the father-and-son plaintiffs (ohhh, okay) say the son used to drink and smoke with the defendant, but the defendant is a fraud who gets “ugly” girls and now they’re suing because they claim he totaled the son’s car. (did he……………..wreck the car with a lady in the passenger seat? what the fuck does that have to do with anything?!)
what do they want: $3189, alright now!
how it went down: the son starts the testimony (i’m gonna assume he’s ryan because are people naming modern day babies “edgar?” yes i know hipsters exist but i promise you these fellas are not that) and says “me and brennan used to be friends back in the day and we liked to party, drink, smoke…you know, we were just a couple party guys.” my toxic trait is that i will fall madly in love with any adult male who describes himself in this way. i like the energy of a big ol’ cornfed life-of-the-party type of guy, especially in small doses. ryan continues, “but brennan is a fraud. he thinks he can get any girl he wants, thinks he can out-drink anyone, and thinks he can party all night. honestly, none of that’s true.”
MAN, WHAT. these dudes gotta be like fourteen years old, because imagine telling a real judge that a person is a “fraud” because he cannot “get girls” or “drink and party all night.” wouldn’t they be better served litigating this on MTV or some shit? i can see it now: judge pauly shore, using a pipe as a gavel, sitting behind a stack of glued together empty natty ice boxes in a drug rug, presiding over this dumb ass case between two idiots. someone call hollywood for me!!!!!!!!! ryan says that “hot” girls would laugh at brennan so he could only pull “ugly ones.”
you don’t need me to tell you that neither of these dudes is handsome, but i will anyway because i am a bitch. brennan, who has been dead silent thus far, interrupts ryan (???) to say, “i just think it’s funny how” (oh shit) “the first three girls you ever hooked up with were all my ex-girlfriends.” excuse me?????? this is why you gotta be careful when you talk shit and to whom, because i’m not sure that “all your girlfriends look like roadkill” goes as hard when you’re the one in the car behind him scooping their mangled carcasses up!
ryan says that brennan thinks he’s so cool and such a hotshot and then the camera pulls back and i notice my brothers in christ are wearing almost the exact same outfit??? greg notices, too, and busts their balls about it, saying “SOMEbody is trying to be like the other one today! who got dressed first?????” and that’s hilarious but in their defense i bet townsend, DE only has one sears. brennan says that he and ryan (oh thank goodness) were best friends who used to hang out all the time and practically lived at each other’s houses, they even went on family vacations together. that is very sweet! brennan says they used to party every weekend, and he was the designated driver most nights because he has a “weak stomach.” i have never related to anything more than this, except for the part where he has the iron will not to cave in to peer pressure.
brennan says ryan gets “belligerently drunk,” and on more than one occasion he’s had to babysit him after a night out, taking him home and staying with him to make sure he threw up in the toilet and fell asleep lying on his side. now this is the part about suing your homeboy that gets tricky, and it’s clear by the look on ryan’s face that he absolutely did not anticipate brennan airing his ass out like this in court. i know he didn’t think bro code would hold up under the withering glare of one judge gregory ellis mathis?????? also, the minute my “friend” forces me and my noose of a tie to come testify in a three-walled particle board “room” that has lights and cameras where a ceiling should be i’m sorry but all bets are 100% off. i will dig through the basement of my brain to scrounge up every terrible thing they made the mistake of letting me witness. i’m sorry brother but the price of your dirty secrets is $3189!!!!!!!!!!
greg is like, “do you at least go to a skilled trade school,” (RUDE) “because you all live a reckless lifestyle!!!” brennan says he is studying “business” because he would like to own his own restaurant someday, and ryan says he is a junior at west virginia, to which brennan scoffs, “party school” under his breath. brennan says he gets good grades and ryan says he is studying criminal justice and works really hard to maintain a 3.0 average, and i just remembered why i dropped out of school!
ryan says that four years ago he and brennan and a mutual friend went to a party where they met two girls. the five of them go back to brennan’s place, and after a little drinkin’ and hangin’ the friend goes into a bedroom with one girl and brennan retires to his room with the other. EXCUSE ME??? i might be wrong but that sounds like hotshot behavior to me. i know this lil incel wasn’t shitting on dude a few minutes ago when he was alone in the living room playing video games while his homeboy was upstairs getting his [noun] [verbed]?????????
okay brennan took so long in the bedroom (this is why you can’t bang young people! too much stamina!!!!!) that ryan got tired and went to sleep. hours later, brennan woke him up and told him he needed to take the girl home (OR TO GET A FUCKING PELVIS XRAY, SHEESH) and he was going to use his car. ryan said it was cool and went back to his wet dreams, only to be awoken by his phone ringing ten minutes later. brennan was calling to let him know that he’d had a “minor accident” but everything was okay, and ryan went back to sleep. ten minutes after that brennan’s mom came running in (wait a minute, she let—you know what, never mind) and said he was “in trouble” and they needed to go help him.
ryan says when he and brennan’s mom arrived on the scene he saw that his car was totaled and saw brennan running around in circles. ryan was mostly worried about brennan, and he made sure he was okay before asking the officer on the scene what happened. he told ryan that brennan had fallen asleep while driving and drove into oncoming traffic and hit a chevy suburban head on. ryan gives the judge before and after photos of the car and……………….YIKES. i’m glad (and surprised?) brennan survived.
ryan says brennan came running up to him in a panic and said he would pay for and take care of everything, and ryan told him they should just talk about everything in the morning. the next day ryan’s parents go over and talk to brennan because ryan is grounded (GOOD) and brennan reiterates that he will pay for the totaled car. ryan gives the judge the bill of sale which showed that he paid $3200 for the car. five months after the accident, brennan gave them $600 toward the car, which left a balance of $2600. ryan says he’d also just gotten the brakes done, so he added that to brennan’s tab, too.
“that car was a piece of crap!” brennan yells. “just because they paid all that money for it doesn’t mean that’s what it was worth!” and i’m sorry mister sandman but you should probably check your fucking tone? it doesn’t matter if dude let you ride his big wheel, since you fell asleep while driving it and offered multiple times to pay for the damage without demanding an estimate first, it’s a weird look to be in court like you wrote the kelley blue book????? brennan says ryan never got the struts fixed (the what) so the car would “twerk” every time he went over 40 miles an hour. brennan says he cleaned out his bank account to give them that $600, and when he tried to work out a payment plan ryan’s parents kicked him out of their house and told him he could never speak to ryan again. what a bummer.
the ruling: greg asks brennan if he thinks he should pay, and he pulls out a kelley blue book (BABE AM I PSYCHIC???????) and says if he pays anything it should be the difference between what he’s already paid and what the blue book says the car is worth ($789). greg starts looking it over (uh ohhh) and asks brennan if he knows what the value of the car was at the time of the crash, because the blue book values he gave him are for what the car would be worth now. ryan’s father chimes in (edgar speaks at loing last!!!) and says that he does “manufactured home appraisals” and that the kelley value on those doesn’t take into account the things you’ve added to the item. ummm, i’m pretty goddamn stupid but even i know that you can’t stick a brand new washing machine in an otherwise crumbling-ass house and increase the value of it!!!! if that’s the case, let me get someone over here to assess my lopsided shanty, i just changed a few lightbulbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!
okay so ryan is about to semi-lose because for all the paperwork he brought with him, all the receipts for brakes and shocks and transmissions and everything else you gotta fix on a raggedy ass car (sorry but i’ve lived this!!), the one thing he didn’t bring was anything that proves the value of that car in good condition at the time it was wrecked. through some sort of made up calculation that only judge mathis understands, he decides that the value of the car at the time was $2500. putting new brakes on a car doesn’t add to the value, according to him and the law, because it’s maintenance, but he is gonna grant ryan the $150 he wanted for the tow fee.
in the hall outside the courtroom brennan drops the hammer on ryan, saying he never asked him how he was doing, he was just worried about his stupid car. edgar, clearly realizing that his 20-year-old junior in college just admitted on nationally syndicated television to getting fucked up every single night four years ago while he was still a child, looks into the camera and says, very gravely, “i do not condone you guys’ partying lifestyle.” condone it? daddy you paid for it!! brennan, fully fed up at this attempt to make himself look like a good parent, puffs up his chest and points in edgar’s face, saying in his tuff voice, “aight man, you wanna get into your lifestyle? or can we just leave that aside, because i know a lot about your lifestyle,” as edgar backtracks in a panic. hold the (totaled) phone, am i attracted to brennan now? i think i might be??? judgment for ugly girls everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “see, you young dope fiends and alkies? you can overcome it and go to school just like them!”
*bangs gavel*