who was on judge mathis yesterday? #255
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: reanna from el sobrante, california. i gasped when reanna burst through the doors because for a hot second i thought she was marsha ambrosius??????? this version, not this one, even though they both can sing their fucking asses off. reanna’s gorgeous, pink-lipped face is framed by an enormous leonine mane of tight golden curls. she’s wearing giant crystal chandelier earrings (somebody call the trademark office and check if it’s too late for me to make “chandelierrings” a thing) and a black v-neck dress and bright pink blush and wow reanna is just ticking every single one of my boxes. (not that one, you filth!!!!)
defendant: anica from el sobrante, california. in the year 2020 an estimated 14,779 people lived in el sobrante, california, which means that probably everyone in their town knows these two were fighting over money on TV. anica is petite and positively glowing beneath the harsh studio lights. anica is wearing a turtleneck with a decorative jacket over it, big silver hoops and chains, and luxurious fake lashes that are as thick as the carpet in a fancy hotel. glamour!!!!!!!!!!!!
the complaint: reanna says she and anica are neighbors and used to be close friends, now she’s suing her for an unpaid loan plus interest, which i’m pretty sure is illegal unless she got her to sign a loan shark contract!
what does she want: $3500!!!
how it went down: reanna kicks off the proceedings telling the judge that she’s a huge fan and she watches him every day which, like, duh join the club. then she says her 23-year-old sister venus watches the show twice a day because she’s in love with doyle, and she’s even sent along a picture of herself for him to look at, sorta like analog tinder???? wow, what nerve! doyle is married so the judge forces him to swipe left but for a minute he looked like he was considering risking it all. venus must’ve been showing off her uranus. (booooooo tomato tomato, i know!!)
reanna says she’s in front of his honor today because she knows anica really well and if they hadn’t brought this to court they would’ve ended up fistfighting. well, i do not condone violence but punching ol girl on her doorstep is probably more efficient and also better for their carbon footprint. (do people still care about that?) greg commends reanna for bringing her problem to him to solve because “at least you’re not shooting each other.” gahhh, we live in hell! reanna says that she’s had to stop anica from beating up their other neighbors in the past therefore she didn’t want to be the next one tagged into the ring, and that’s why knowing your neighbors or literally anything more than cursory information about them is a terrible fucking idea.
reanna says that she and anica were friends until they fell out over this money, and since their disagreement she says anica has been saying little slick shit to her boyfriend, lying and saying that she’s seen reanna “flirting” with other men. we still don’t know if this is a peyton place kind of situation or desperate housewives or what, but i am again going to remind you that it’s better for your neighbors to think of you as a hostile weirdo than to tell them anything about your real life!!!!! i don’t think the neighbors at our old house even know whether or not i have vocal cords let alone who i might’ve been flirting with, and that’s how it’s supposed to be. no one’s gonna be talking shit about me on the neighborhood facebook group!!!
anica begins her side of the story with “i’m glad to be alive” and i brace myself and she says “i’m a recovering addict and i’ve had two open heart surgeries and i have a defibrillator plus a mechanical valve in my heart, by the way i’m only 34.” this poor woman!! anica says she’s been sober for a while and she’s trying to get her kids back and also she has congestive heart failure, and the reason she hasn’t been able to pay reanna back is because she physically has not been able to work. ugh this is tragic!!!!! then anica starts to add that the real reason is because reanna has been using her to babysit her son without paying for it, but greg cuts her off because the show’s formula is dependent on the plaintiff laying out the alleged crime then the defendant telling him why they aren’t guilty so unless anica is the new executive producer she has to follow the damn script!!!!!!!
reanna says that she lent anica money in november because they holidays were coming up, and she felt comfortable doing so because anica really has turned her life around and kicked the drugs and goes to church and is a really good mom. to prove that to the outside world, anica wanted to do christmas up big at her house. she wanted to get new furniture, tons of presents, and everything to make a nice christmas dinner so she could show her family how much she’s improved. anica went to reanna for the money because they were close friends and she knew reanna had been saving up money to buy a car. reanna wanted to help anica pull off this miracle christmas, so she gave her the money and asked in exchange if she could use anica’s car until anica paid her back. anica said yes and that she pay reanna back when (UH OH) her income tax refund came in. *heavy sigh*
reanna pulls out a handwritten contract (we love to see it!!!!!!!!) and tells the judge that their agreement was that reanna wanted the money back, in full, within five months. reanna says that she didn’t hound anica at all when tax season started, but around the time it was coming to a close she was like, “hey babe, where’s my earned income credit????” and it was crickets. greg looks up from reading their scribbled contract and asks reanna why she’s suing for $3500 when she only lent anica $3000 and she says “interest!” the judge tells her that the most interest you can charge in a person-to-person contract, even if they sign it, is 10%, which in this case is $300. tuck that into the back of your brain for the next time somebody asks you to buy them a cheeseburger or something. can’t have any of you cuties catching a racketeering charge!!!!!
the ruling: the judge asks anica about the babysitting and she says that she and reanna often watched each other’s children, but she doesn’t want to pay the money back because reanna never paid her for her labor. (it doesn’t sound like she paid reanna for watching her kid either??? but that part isn’t addressed.) the judge asks if they had a written agreement about the babysitting fees and when anica says no he’s like *shrug* “well then she doesn’t owe you.” i’m not a lawyer (YES I AM) but if it were up to me i would’ve stayed with the sympathetic storyline about cleaning my life up and not being able to work because of my broken heart, judges love shit like that!!! redemption narratives make for excellent daytime television!!!!!
anica’s last gasp attempt to win the judge over is to tell him about the time reanna returned her son in a box she’d written LOST AND FOUND on. she presents this as an outrage?? a hate crime????? but it was clearly a joke, which reanna says everyone heartily laughed at at the time. the judge asks anica if her son was amused by it and she admits that yeah he was cracking the fuck up and greg is like, “well then, joke’s on you. judgment for the plaintiff!!”
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you smoked your heart away?????”