who was on judge mathis yesterday? #296
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom program of all time
plaintiff: channon from youngstown, ohio. channon!!!!!! my buxom beauty, my portly primadonna, my voluptuous vixen, my zaftig (c)zarina!!!!!!!!!!!! nothing on this wretched planet can rival the beefy beauty of a very large woman (ASK YOUR DAD) and this curvaceous cutie has it all: a long and shiny brown wig, loads of gold jewelry, and positively enormous breasts. like, real awooga hours over here. i might start drooling! i have, at least at this point in my waning existence, what i would maybe call a “bosom.” like what your grandma has, but possibly worse. channon, on the other hand, has titties. glorious bouncing titties that are barely contained by the bright coral polyester-blend camisole-and-¾ sleeve-bolero combo whose resplendence has left me breathless. whatever she wants, give it to her!
defendants: jerod and tracy from youngstown, ohio. i already know these two young men are hardly worthy of the grace and gorgeousness bestowed upon them by channon. i can tell by their shirts!
the complaint: channon says the two defendants were arguing with each other near her car when one took a swing at the other with a baseball bat and instead of landing on the intended target, the bat ended up damaging her car.
what does she want: $5000, the max! a maximum award for a maximum lady!!!!! jerod would like $2000, for “harassment.”
how it went down: channon says that she met jerod because she used to “go with his cousin,” the co-defendant, tracy. first of all, we love a gentleman named tracy. second, maybe i was way harsh earlier, because it appears that jerod is wearing a textured velour tracksuit in a deep burgundy, and wow what a look. i’m deeply into it. one day we gotta sit down and have a serious conversation about how essential to my happiness matching sets have become, maybe equally as important as my daily cocktail of brain medicines and unlimited access to inside the nba clips online.
never mind, we’re talking about it now. a matching set makes getting dressed a completely brainless activity, and we all could use more of those since we are getting stupider by the day. what’s easier than whipping out two pieces of the same fabric cut into different shapes and putting them on your body? literally nothing. here are my top places to buy matching bottoms:
1 thief and bandit! if you’ve seen me on tour or at an event, you have undoubtedly seen one of my many t&b fits, because they are the best. they look cool, even after they’ve been balled up in a suitcase; the designs are painted on by hand, and they’re made by cutie canadians. i literally just ordered a pair of these spellbound pants (with a matching cropped tee, duh) which means i should probably write another book so i can go somewhere and show them off.
2 nooworks! all my clown clothes (complimentary) are from nooworks. their prints are colorful (i love roll out) and fun as hell (party mix is so good, too) and you look like a giant, happy toddler when you wear clothes from them, which is great for those of us flirting with fifty and unable to wrap our brains around that fact. if you came to the poop party last year, i was wearing a micotti cat set and i know people liked it because they kept asking me where i got it then acting grouchy when i tried to get them to accurately write down the name of a weirdly spelled website in the middle of a loud ass disco.
3 universal standard! all of my grownup clothes (derogatory) are from universal standard. like, when we go to ~the symphony~ i wear these glamorous pajamas that look flowy and expensive and not like i just got out of bed. also here is how i wear pajamas as real clothes without looking like absolute shit: true-to-size on the bottom (or size down if they’re roomy), size up the top. i don’t know the science behind it, but i do know that it works and i’m right!
channon says, “to make a long story short: i went to the projects, and i never go to the projects, because they be tripping in the projects.” channon says she was in the middle of getting her hair done when she and the stylist suddenly heard a commotion outside and ran out to discover “those two jerks over there fighting.” jerod had a metal bat in his hand and was trying to hit tracy with it when he missed and busted the window out of channon’s car instead.
WHAT. men are so mysterious to me??? i mean, how is tracy in court today………….on the side of the man……………….who swung a metal bat so hard at him that he shattered a car window?????? if you swing any kind of bat at me i might see you in jail but i most certainly would not be seeing you behind the same podium in a courtroom! this is what bro code actually is, i think: less covering for your boy’s infidelities or whatever and more “i beat the shit out of him but lol we’re cool now.”
channon went outside to confront him about it and jerod “started talking smack to [her],” saying that tracy had stolen his rims and he was trying to get them back. what that has to do with a 2005 nissan altima with 320,000 miles on it (this is a wild guess, but i know in my bones it’s correct) is beyond me, and channon agrees. the judge jokingly chastises channon for going to the projects (rude) and she’s basically like, “what’s the problem, it was the afternoon!” i maybe could understand his point of she’d, say, driven her car onto a baseball diamond? but who could predict a broad daylight aluminum bat fight outside their weave-ologist’s house???
channon says jerod accused tracy of stealing some car rims that he’d actually misplaced one day while drunk. she says jerod took the rims off his own car and hid them under a tarp in his own garage but was too drunk to remember he’d done that and started fighting tracy instead. i cannot stress enough how hilarious it is that as channon is describing this altercation, tracy is standing next to jerod looking at him like “man, what the fuck,” like he still can’t believe his homie accused him in the first place. which begs this question: how on earth did jerod convince tracy to come with him to court today? what exact words did he say?? i would kill to have been a portrait of black jesus on that project wall!!!!!
channon says when she confronted jerod and told him she was going to call the police he jumped in his car and peeled off, knocking her bumper clean off in the process. as she hands doyle the bailiff a stack of kodak prints fresh from walgreens, channon says, “it’s like this: i’m a diva, i’m big mama, i’m not riding around in no hoopty with a bungee cord holding my bumper up while he’s out drinking and doing what he do. he owes me the money, he admitted he did it, and he needs to pay for it, PERIOD.” i just stood up and saluted my computer screen so forcefully i dislocated my fucking shoulder, BITCH I KNOW THAT’S FUCKIN RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
greg loves a loud, fat black woman and he can’t stop blushing and giggling because channon is hilarious and perfect. i bet he’s kicking his little feet under the bench and everything. she continues, “i seen him going to the weave store, buying girls weaves! i said ‘if you can buy a woman a weave, you can weave me some money for my car!’ i seen him in the drive-thru buying beer and wine and we got into it. ‘you buying beer and wine, where’s the money at for my car? break me off some!’ then i see him cutting a yard. he charges FORTY DOLLARS to do a yard, he couldn’t do nothing to get me my money?????” channon is my new president.
it’s jerod’s turn, and he says “first of all, your honor, as you can see, she is loud and obnoxious,” and channon says, “SO?” and i’m sorry but put her on the twenty dollar bill immediately. then judge mathis says, “she’s not loud or obnoxious to me” and i fucking told y’all!!!!!!!!!! big girls are this man’s kryptonite, “she’s emphatic about her case and her car!”
jerod tries a different tactic: “your honor, we aren’t even here about the car. we’re here because she wants me.” OH BROTHER, here we go with this. channon could mount greg reverse cowgirl style right now and he’d be with it, she doesn’t need to drag the man who tore up her car to afternoon television court to try to get at him sexually??? surely there are less complicated ways to coax the neighborhood handyman into one’s bed? i feel like she could walk around dripping a trail of crown royal behind her and he’d follow her off a cliff. channon says, “honey, you can’t handle big mama! you couldn’t handle big mama for real, honey! your cousin couldn’t, and you couldn’t, either!!” that’s right, don’t act like channon can’t get laid when she’s………………..already banged you both??? ew shut up, that’s so stupid! she continues, “i’m a welder and i got a good job, what the hell do i need a 1st of tha month man for?????”
judge mathis says, “meaning he gets his checks from either social security or unemployment or welfare on the first of every month?” channon offers a resounding YES and greg clarifies that he wasn’t making fun, he just wanted people “who might not know what that phrase means” to understand what she’s talking about, as if everyone at home watching this show at three in the afternoon isn’t intimately familiar with the government’s many failing social systems! (including me, a food stamp section eight free hot lunch social security kid til i die!!!!!)
jerod says, “anyway, i was in the projects and i was intoxicated and i ran into tracy and asked him if he had seen my wheels, i’d heard that he took them and sold them.” he says he then picked up a bat and swung, tracy ducked, and he smashed in channon’s car window. not to take literally anything seriously, BUT: can you imagine if he’d actually connected with tracy’s human head? how do you escalate from “seen my rims around?” to “i’m gonna brain you” in a matter of seconds????? he says channon came out “shouting and carrying on” and threatened to call the police, so he jumped in his car and hit hers while he was driving off. basically the same exact thing channon said.
jerod says that after he left he called channon on the phone to ask her how they could “settle things” and i assume she responded, “with money.” greg yells “SETTLE IT HOW” and jerod starts mumbling about estimates and mechanics, then channon says, “oh, i got an estimate” while brandishing a stack of papers. she says she went to a body shop the day after the incident, got an estimate on the spot, and immediately dropped that estimate off at jerod’s house. as the judge looks it over, i cannot help but wonder: did jerod just want a quick sightseeing trip to chicago? a bite of freshly dipped beef while floating down the river or perhaps the snap of a properly-dressed hot dog while straddling the bean??? because whyyyy did he willingly come here today when he is absolutely going to lose??????
the ruling: greg asks if jerod’s witness wants to say anything and, seeing how this ship is already sinking, tracy puts his hands up in surrender and politely declines. channon says, “well, my witness might want to say something” and then jasmine, a gorgeous young lady in a ravishing purple tunic over a pair of dress-up leggings, approaches the stand and says, “your honor, i laid the estimate on jerod’s dresser, so i know he saw it.” the judge scrunches his face up and says, “wait, you and the defendant live in the same household?” and channon crows, “yeah! that’s her daddy!!!!!!!”
not his daughter??? testifying against him?????? come on now, let’s wrap this shit up already. if your own child got on a greyhound bus just to get on TV and make sure you look like an asshole, you have lost! jerod tries to say he didn’t see the estimate jasmine left for him because he’s “never home” and we know dude, you’re out mowing lawns and buying E&J at the drive thru liquor store all day, but you expect this man to believe that you didn’t see a multi-page document nestled between the dusty bottles of drakkar noir and skin bracer atop the place you keep your underpants??? yeah right!
jerod’s defense is “that’s not like putting it in my hand”and i hope he already went to garrett’s and navy pier because he’s about to be the fuck outta here. greg angrily asks what his countersuit is for and jerod says, “everywhere i went, she was there! every time i came out of my house she was parked outside! i’d be out with a girl and she’d be hollering out her window about money!” greg says “that’s not harassment, that’s collections” and channon says, “if you wanna be a mack daddy, why not mack some money for my car?” and i can hardly see for all the stars in my eyes. channon, i love you. and so does judge mathis. judgment for big mama the diva!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anybody: “you said you don’t go down to the projects because there’s too much crime, yet you went down there anyway and the first thing that happened to you was you became the victim of a crime!”
*bangs gavel*