plaintiff: rocio from gardena, california. rocio strides into the courtroom in a gorgeous fancy bank teller suit: a silky muted peach number couple with a shimmery neckerchief (remember the 90s when we all wore flimsy decorative neck ribbons???) and her hair freshly curled at the beauty parlor. she looks extremely serious/upset!
defendant: francisco from norwalk, california. despite his, uhh, flamboyant electric dark purple (???) dress shirt, francisco is looking dour as hell. what’s going on with these two??????????
the complaint: rocio says she began an affair with the defendant after he and his wife visited the dental office where she worked and now rocio is suing him because she claims he gave her a sexually transmitted infection. OKAY, I GOT IT.
what does she want: $4000! excuse me??? what in the fuck did he infect her with, SARS???????? hello??????????????????????????
how it went down: rocio says she met francisco ten years ago when he came into her dental office with his wife. she says after they first met he “dropped by the office” to ask for her phone number and suggest they go on a date. i’m sure rocio was like “ummm, no thank you? i can literally see your wife’s gingivitis on my computer screen right now?????????” and turned him down, but she says francisco came to the office again and left his number with her and asked rocio to give him a call. how small are the towns these two live in? my man is doing an AWFUL LOT to have an extramarital affair with a person who 1 isn’t interested in him and 2 is uncomfortably familiar with the state of his teeth! she knows how little you floss, bro!!!! leave her alone!!!!!!!!
this dude is killing me! my endodontist is very handsome and cool and a couple years ago i ran into him at a bar in the middle of the night and i started panicked flop-sweating immediately and tried to hide behind some buff college dudes so he wouldn’t see me out in the world being a person and dirtying up (what’s left of) my teeth, but of course he did. and when dr. thomas very jovially came over to say hi and offer to buy a round, what do you think i said? something breathlessly witty and charming??? absolutely not! i stammered some stupid shit like “thanks for cutting that bacteria out of my jaw” and asked if he could email walgreens about my antibiotics. A NIGHTMARE. anyway i truly cannot imagine dropping by the dentist’s office every day to bother the very busy people who are in charge of your tooth erosion!
rocio says that she eventually agreed to go on a date with francisco and they went to dinner on the first date, a movie on the second date, and on the third date they went to pound town. rocio says she insisted on having protected sex because she wasn’t with anyone else and francisco was married. so they had sex the first time with a condom, and the second time francisco tried to pull that old “condoms are soooooooo uncomfortable for me!” scam and rocio was like BYE because she wasn’t on birth control but also homeboy was still fucking his wife! so then they took a break until several months later when francisco showed up again at the office (where the fuck is this dentist’s office, the strip???), this time with proof that he’d gotten a vasectomy.
ok, look: i have been transparent about the fact that i am just not great in bed. my joints are a mess and there are a limited number of things i am interested in doing and antidepressants have murdered my libido and also i like to remain fully clothed at all times. no one has ever gotten out of bed and been like “that was some good pussy, sam.” i’ve heard “you’re funny!” after sex which, umm...okay??? or one time someone said “that made me hungry” which i absolutely took as a compliment, but i was disabused very early of the notion that i am in possession of good pussy but you know who does???????? ROCIO FROM GARDENA, CALIFORNIA. if a MAN gets a VASECTOMY on his day off just so he can keep HAVING SEX WITH YOU??? homegirl must have a bear trap between her fucking legs, MY GOODNESS.
francisco looks so annoyed and i know he’s pressed because rocio has him looking like a sucker on daytime television but i think getting a vasectomy so you can raw dog your dental hygienist is super romantic! he says that everything rocio said is true, that he knew from the way she processed his insurance paperwork that he just had to have her and that once they started banging he thought it was just for fun but she started taking things too seriously. likely story.
as soon as francisco started to talk rocio jumped in and tried to interrupt his ass, which she continues to do throughout his testimony. basically rocio wants the judge to know that francisco lied to her about the state of his marriage and courted her with gifts and nice dates, and francisco wants the judge to know that rocio was clingy and emotional and she knew what time it was (“she knew i had a wife! we used to get our teeth cleaned together!”) and that he just wanted to have a little fun. francisco says at one point rocio asked him to buy her a car (she interjects to scream “YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH ME!!!!!!!” and lmao right on sister) and that’s when he knew he was in too deep and needed to slowly back away.
so rocio says the reason they broke up and the reason they’re in court is because francisco gave her a sexually transmitted infection. greg asks which one and rocio says “candida” and i hollered so loud i woke up the dog because whoever at the show who uploads these clips titled this one “let’s get candid” and EXCUSE ME????? i’m fucking screaming. my dear friend david mcguire at warner brothers, if you are reading this newsletter (and you better be), please give the youtube uploader a raise. this leveled me!!!!!!!!!!! i am a corpse!
for the first time since i started doing these recaps, greg gets up to leave the courtroom so he can go google “candida” on his jitterbug phone. rocio has brought with her a bunch of empty medication packages and girl if you don’t go get your ass some gyne-lotrimin and drop this frivolous lawsuit!!! francisco says he’s never had an sti and as he’s leaving greg asks rocio “wait, is this just a yeast infection?” and she replies “the doctor said it’s candida” and the judge is clearly annoyed but off to web md he goes anyway.
the ruling: greg, clearly in a bad mood after having just image searched “candidiasis” on his old timey gateway computer, brings a printed out google search results sheet™ freshly baked from his deskjet and reads, “candidiasis or, as it is otherwise known, [looks up for dramatic effect] A YEAST INFECTION, can develop due to tight clothing, weight, warm weather, diabetes, stress, antibiotics, birth control pills, and steroids...and is rarely spread through sexual contact.” i knew doctor mathis was gonna have a field day with this. rocio says, “i’m still suffering from it, your honor!” and greg replies, “yeah? well, get out of stress and don’t get diabetes and, by all means, stop wearing tight clothing!” judgment for the defendant, so no bread for rocio.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “he really liked you. he came in and got a tooth pulled just to see you? nah, he loved you!”
*bangs gavel*