who was on judge mathis yesterday? #277

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: cassandra from santa monica, california. cassandra glides into the courtroom in a shiny teal two-piece, a short sleeved square-neck peplum top over a tight, calf-length pencil skirt, and she’s giving curvaceous 1950s secretary and i love it even though i can’t stop thinking about how hard it must be to comfortably sit down in. fitted pencil skirt? you are absolutely doing the thing where you kind of angle to the side and kind of lean over until you’re in a sitting position. peplum top made of stiff material? once you’re in some approximation of “seated” you gotta worry about it riding up or jabbing you or wrinkling it between your boobs and your lap. literally no thank you!!!!!!! she looks gorgeous but i hope she’s leaving court in the back of a flatbed truck.

defendant: alicia from parker, california. while cassandra has dressed like she’s about to fuck don draper, alicia is dressed like a gorgeous human duvet in a billowy empire-waist navy tunic over soft pants that 100% have an elastic waistband. her auburn hair is in a perfect, shiny bob and her skin is glowy and radiant and i bet her shoes have insoles as thick as mattresses. i love a lady who looks rested!!!!!!!!!!!

the complaint: cassandra says alicia hired her to throw a party she hasn’t paid, so cassandra is suing for breach of contract.

what does she want: $1500????? when my lady and i got married we did so on the raggedy deck of our raggedy house and served grilled hotdogs and catering from the soul food grocery store. for our upcoming ten year anniversary (omg) i want to throw a fancy sam party that is 1 not DJ’d by me or an ipod and 2 INDOORS, and i got nervous because i thought you had to have tens of thousands of dollars to hire a party planner and make it nice but are you telling me all it takes to throw a function is fifteen hundred bucks???????? get out your tuxedoes!!

how it went down: cassandra kicks things off by saying “i’ve never been married, but i’ve been in a lot of weddings” and wow what a saint. i’ve been a bridesmaid in one wedding, for my friend nina in san diego, and i got to wear a black dress and leopard print flipflops and didn’t have to do any planning or organizing or bachelorette partying so it was perfect and i will never do it again. cassandra says she’s been countless bridesmaids and maids of honor, but eventually she went from going to weddings to going to divorce court. “going to hit on divorced men?” asks the judge, and cassandra says no, the sad truth is that none of her friends’ marriages lasted.

i understand the poetry she was trying to write, but the first thing that came to my mind is BABE, ARE YOU CURSED??? every wedding you ever participated in wound up in divorce court? all of them???? stop going to weddings! cassandra says that her friends called her crying because their men lied to them and cheated on them and stole from them and they needed her moral support, so she thought why not further humiliate and exploit these ladies by capitalizing on their pain with a “spicy divorce party” business?

okay i’m not trying to be a bitch (it comes effortlessly) but hustle culture is so gross and you gotta be a real asshole to watch your sobbing homegirl moving her end tables and shit back into her mom’s house and your first thought is “you know what [this woman i actually hate] needs? a party to make her feel better that she also has to pay for!” AM I NUTS? that feels fucking diabolical to me!!!! ship that lady a case of jeni’s and some fancy pajamas or something!!!!!!!!!

“spicy divorce?” greg asks skeptically. “what range of spice do you offer?” cassandra says “we have ex-husband voodoo dolls, we have a lot of alcohol, a piñata you can put your ex’s face on, and bowling pins you can customize with your ex’s face. we have a “cheetah” cake, in case he was a cheater. we have all kinds of stuff.” yes i’m a hater but this just sounds like the celebration of a person we should instead be plotting to kill. i’m gonna get pictures printed? and look at them all night?? while trying to whack them with a bowling ball or broom handle??? nothing says I HATE YOUR GUTS like standing at kinko’s burning with shame while picking up my fifty-dollar order of revenge photocopies. i’m sorry this sucks and i hate it please know that if you ever get divorced i will pick you up and we are either flattening some used toyota tires or going to the cheesecake factory, my treat!!!!!!!

alicia begins her testimony by saying she and cassandra have been friends for a very long time and back in the day they used to “party, hang out, drink, man hate, everything you can think of.” greg, who damn well knows, says “what is man hate?” alicia says they would get together to talk shit and prank call dudes. gloria steinem approves! alicia says her friendship with cassandra waned when she got into a serious five-year relationship, but when that ended cassandra was right there for her to lean on. she saw that cassandra had started “this new adventure” and thought it might be fun to let her organize a break up party to lift her spirits.

alicia says that cassandra offered all the things she just mentioned, but she also requested some strippers she describes as “nice-looking men with big packages and dark skin.” shit, me too! alicia also wanted cassandra to include a dartboard with her ex’s face on it and a drink special for the night. greg asks why alicia needed all this and wants to know if the breakup was nasty (he lives for mess) and she says it sure was, homeboy was cheating on her and she found out because one day she called him while he was shopping at the mall and another woman casually answered his phone.

okay that is the worst and in this instance only i will withhold judgment for burning a blown up photo (you had to pay for) in effigy. five long years together and you’re out at lids and auntie anne’s with someone who is comfortable enough to pick up your phone while you’re in foot locker??? absolutely not! alicia says they argued and broke up, then the judge turns to cassandra and says “you’re terrible, out here exploiting women’s hurt” and i know he’s being cheeky but he’s not wrong. cassandra says she’s not exploiting her, she’s trying to help and uplift alicia and greg’s like “no you’re not, you’re trying to get her to go to jail! first you’re throwing darts at a doll, next you’ll be throwing darts at his face!!!”

alicia says she was supposed to get all that for $2100 and cassandra interjects to say that she only received $600 and alicia still has not paid the balance. greg says he needs to see a written agreement and cassandra pulls a bunch of xeroxes of a man’s face (lmao i am sobbing) and tries to give those to him and he’s like “NO, A WRITTEN AGREEMENT!!” alicia says the party was aight but many of the things they agreed upon (chief among them the dartboard with her ex’s face on it) weren’t included. cassandra says alicia was supposed to bring the photos but alicia says cassandra was friends with him and had access to his facebook so what’s the problem? man, i was joking before about the humiliation of picking up your own piñata photocopies, i didn’t know that shit really went down? whatever happened to…customer service????

alicia says that in addition to that there was only one stripper when she’d specifically asked for three or four. i’m not sure of the going rate for dart boards and specialty cocktails and four chiseled slabs of hershey’s chocolate grinding their g-strung nuts on your chin, but $2100……………………….does not seem like enough. i’m not sure that it covers the one who showed up, but four???????? come on! alicia also says he “was very pale and had a small package” and that’s not nice, especially when, as cassandra interjects, she was “bumping and grinding on him all night.” greg asks “were you bumping and grinding on him all night?” and alicia says she was trying to be a good sport for her party. the last party i good sported my way through only involved stifling a pout because i was disappointed in the cake, not licking a naked man’s chest then pouting because it wasn’t muscular enough??? dammit, alicia! i was trying to be on your scorned side!!!!!

the ruling: greg is now going through the contract alicia signed. “did she have a videographer?”
alicia: “yes.”
greg: “cheetah cake?”
alicia: “yes.”
greg: “stripper?”
alicia: “yes, but only one stripper.”
greg: “that’s all it says is one. it says strippeR. not stripperS.”
alicia: “okay.”
greg: “DJ?”
alicia: “yes.”
greg: “ex-husband voodoo doll?”
alicia: “yes.”
greg: “dartboard with ex’s picture?”
alicia: “she brought the dartboard, but there was no picture.”
greg: “okay, so far that’s the only breach. karaoke cd with anti-love songs?”
alicia: “yes.” (CAN I BURN A COPY OF THAT???? sounds like a good time!)
greg: “finger foods? alcohol, beer, and wine?”
alicia: “yes.”
greg: “piñata with your ex’s face on it?”
alicia: “well, i don’t think so…”
cassandra immediately proffers her phone, and on it is a video of a swinging piñata with a man’s face on it, which is so stupid and hilarious. welp, alicia has 1 lied to judge mathis and 2 body-shamed a lightskinned man (federal crimes) so off to the penitentiary she must go. judgment for the plaintiff!!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: when alicia is running down her list of stripper requirements doyle is like “well, i was in there for a minute” and greg screams “YOU GOT A BIG PACKAGE???” wow, it’s always the ones you least suspect.

*bangs gavel*