who was on judge mathis yesterday? #241
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: pam from crest hill, illinois. pam is wearing a gauzy, sheer tunic over a regular black not-see thru long sleeved shirt, which gives me whiplash back to 2004 when i would pointlessly complicate my life in the exact same way. listen, you either gotta let your bra and/or boobs show in the sheer thing or just wear the opaque shirt and not be self-conscious about it fits. it’s hard enough to keep track of one shirt and make it look good, why spend your whole day worrying about two???
defendant: jacquelyne from calumet city, illinois. jacquelyne means business in a fitted black pantsuit and permanent-looking scowl paired with mean-lady glasses (you know the kind i mean) and a chic manicure. she looks like the counselor at your high school that you’re afraid to get because you know she won’t help you switch to the same spanish class your friends are in. my counselor talked to me constantly about astrology and the moon and let me have a senior year schedule made up almost entirely of “independent studies” that meant i got to hang out in the computer lab all day doing basically nothing. this is why i know a lot about fucking capricorns but not a single thing about, say………………….geography. lmao babe i almost didn’t graduate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway my daffy yet lovable counselor most certainly did not look like the extremely stern jacquelyne.
the complaint: pam says she met jacquelyne when they realized they were both dating the same man and when they confronted him, he told jacquelyne to leave and jacquelyne vandalized the pam’s car to retaliate so now she’s suing for the damages!
what does she want: $3651
how it went down: pam begins saying “your honor, i know the defendant because she was at my boyfriend’s house” UH OH “on march 7th, sitting in front of his house as i pulled up.” pam says jacquelyne’s suv was blocking her boyfriend’s driveway, so she just pulled up behind her, assuming the person whose silhouette she could see in the car was a lost driver looking for an address or something. maybe it was somebody’s pizza delivery!!!!!!! pam says she wasn’t worried at all because she could “see she was an older lady” and i’m gonna need to see a couple birth certificates because pam doesn’t look that young??? and also jacquelyne doesn’t look that old??????? i would love to know what skin creams they are both using!
pam says she got out of her car to walk into her boyfriend’s house and jacquelyne jumped out of hers, yelling “are you here to see [the dude]? do you know who i am?? i’m his girlfriend of ten years!” oh my GOD this is so spicy and i love it but unless the next words out of her mouth are “hey let’s be friends and never call this guy again” this case is going to disappoint me, i fear! pam says jacquelyne asked who she was and she told her that her name is pam and she’s been dating mr. lonningham (i think that’s what she’s saying? but also who gives a fuck) for two and a half years. jacquelyne told her that she might want to get out of there because “things were about to get ugly.”
see now that’s what i’m talking about! don’t fistfight this hot lady, or make her an accessory to a homicide, let her go on home and get her alibi correct then go in the crib and handle your man!!!!!!! pam says they walked together up his driveway to the back door and the judge interrupts to incredulously ask “did you take her advice?” and pam says “apparently not” (WHY) and then elaborates that she followed jacquelyne around to the back door and when he answered it dude’s expression was like OH SHIT I’M CAUGHT.
this, to me, is a profoundly lucky occurrence. maybe it was painful for pam but it certainly wasn’t the most painful it could’ve been? she could’ve walked in on them in her bed or intercepted some correspondence in which he professed his undying love, you know, the kind of shit that plays on a loop in your head when you’re wide awake at three in the morning wondering how you fucked your life up so bad. if i followed some lady to the back of my man’s house and he wasn’t like “oh hi, mom!” when he opened the door and saw her i would simply tip my invisible cap and walk away forever, thanking my lucky stars. no harm, no foul. fortunately for us, pam is not me.
pam says her man said to jacquelyne “i thought i told you to leave” and jacquelyne said she wasn’t going to until he talked to her, so he threatened to call the police while pam just……………..stood there in silence? the universe is giving you a fucking sign, pamela!!! venus in retrograde is telling you to get in your car and get outta there!!!!!!! greg says “you shoulda went to your car like that woman said, and if you wanted to see what was gonna happen you should get you some binoculars!” or, and how about this, you could drive the fuck off and happily forget you know these people!!!!!!!!!
dude called the police and while he was on the phone jacquelyne turned to pam and asked if she would mind if the two of them had a conversation. pam said “sure” and instead of going to her car like a normal fucking person she inexplicably tried to squeeze past a seething jacquelyne to wait inside the house (???) and jacquelyne physically blocked her and said “oh you’re not going in the house.” maybe pam likes getting her ass beat because girl wtf are you doing?????? a lady in a rage rolls up to your (shared) man’s crib on a mission to fight and you ignore her first warning to stay your ass in the car, then when you hear your (cheating) man call the police on this person who continues to angrily insist that she isn’t going to leave your instinct is to………………..go inside the house (you don’t live in) that the police are en route to, where this pissed off woman intends talk i.e. fistfight????? this dude better look like dwayne the rock johnson and have a titanium rod where his penis should be because if not this might be the stupidest shit i ever heard!
okay pam is not a great storyteller so if these many bullet points don’t make any goddamn sense blame her:
-the boyfriend tells pam that jacquelyne is a scorned ex
-he gets into his jeep as jacquelyne runs to her car
-pam joins the boyfriend in the jeep
-jacquelyne gets out of her car and starts shouting at pam
-cops arrive!!! jacquelyne gets in her car and parks at the end of the block
-pam and the boyfriend explain the situation to the cops
-the cops say it looks like jacquelyne is gonna follow them
-the boyfriend drives off and jacquelyne does a u-turn in the middle of the intersection to chase them
-the cops block the street so she can’t pass?????
-jacquelyne blows the boyfriend’s phone up nonstop (from jail, or…?)
-pam and the boyfriend go out to dinner (you’re hungry after all that?!)
-pam and the boyfriend eventually return from dinner
-pam gets into her nightie (rowrrr)
-the boyfriend says “put your boots and coat back on, she flattened all my tires and yours too and we need to go outside”
YIKES. alright now it’s jacquelyne’s turn, and she says she did indeed meet pam on march 7th when she went to “our boyfriend’s house.” hahahaha i’m sorry but i love jacquelyne! she says she went to their boyfriend’s back door, because that’s the door everyone uses, and when he answered in his underwear she told him she just wanted closure on their ten year relationship because it was clear it was over and she didn’t want to do it over the phone. he responded “i don’t have time for this” and jacquelyne walked back to her car, met pam like pam said, then walked with pam back to the back door. (her fitbit must’ve been going nuts!!!!!) their stories are pretty much the same, except jacquelyne says the police officer checked to make sure she was okay and she denies flipping a bitch to follow pam and their man down the street.
greg: “you didn’t follow them when they left?” jacquelyne: (an eerily calm) “no.” greg: “you didn’t have any further interaction with the police?” jacquelyne: (an even scarier calm) “no.” greg: “you never went back to the house at all?” jacquelyne: (downright bone-chilling) “no.” pam hands the judge a police report in which she says the officer has written that he witnessed that u-turn (come on, jacquelyne) and she has proof of an emergency stalking order that was issued by a real court. greg reads aloud from the police report that the officer instructed jacquelyne not to follow them, which she lied about eight seconds ago, and he says that he observed her turning around to follow them and pulled jacquelyne over to stop her mid-pursuit!!!!!!!
jacquelyne grimaces in silence as pam presents her photographic evidence, half a dozen pictures of her keyed-up car on four flat tires. this is inappropriate, BUT: i wanna know how jacquelyne did that shit, quickly and without alerting the entire neighborhood?????? last week i dropped a starbucks in my stupid driveway and seven concerned neighbors emerged from their houses to investigate. how did jacquelyne fuck up two whole cars without an old-ass lady in her nightgown coming outside to see what all the noise was about????
the ruling: once again greg asks jacquelyne if she’d been stopped by the police and she says she wasn’t, and he says “so i’m supposed to believe that pam and the officer are telling the same lie?” and he’s not buying that she showed up early in the day highly upset and wanting to talk the boyfriend then coincidentally both his car and his other girlfriend’s car end up destroyed that night? girl, come on!!!
as he’s about to issue a ruling pam says “your honor, i need you to hear something” and i can tell greg is annoyed but because he loves mess he lets it slide. pam plays a recording of a voicemail jacquelyne left that i will now transcribe for you, with love: “you probably should come back to your house because i’m gonna [bleep] it up. i just but out all the [bleep] windows in her car, and i’m finna bust all yours, you [bleep].” LOL WOW. i didn’t know miss jacquelyne had it in her!! greg is shocked and yells “ma’am!!! did you leave that message???” and at first jacquelyne says no but then she admits “i left a message” and you know what, i gotta hand it to her for committing to the bit. judgment for the plaintiff, and good luck to jacquelyne in her future as the star of grand theft auto.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “so what were you doing? standing there patiently waiting for the shooting to break out?”
*bangs gavel*