who was on judge mathis yesterday? #235
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
sorry i’m late bitch but beyoncé put out a disco album yesterday!!!!!
plaintiff: deana from chicago, illinois. i haven’t been home since i ran away screaming from it in march of 2020, when everybody started bleaching their groceries and ordering charmin by the pallet, and i miss it! i miss all the places i used to waste my entire paycheck!!!! i miss my little stupid ass friends!!!!!! anyway i don’t know this cutie with a dramatic center part and stunning royal blue blouse but i guess what i’m saying is i probably could!
defendant: jasmine from chicago, illinois. jasmine has long, very shiny black hair (i’m talking mirror shine, wowie wow!) and is wearing this very specific kind of jacket we all had in our nightclub arsenal: thin as paper, fitted sleeves, zero useful pockets to hold things or functional zippers to ward off the cold, clearly not leather but could pass for it at nighttime or on a dimly lit dancefloor, frilly in the front. mine was black and almost worn sheer, and she smelled like the basement at subterranean when i finally threw her out, but jasmine’s is a black and white colorblock situation that is very nice!!!!!!!! it goes perfectly with the accordion of truth™ tucked beneath her (freezing, i’m sure) arm.
the complaint: deana says she used to be friends with jasmine, who she claims is a thief who sleeps with people’s boyfriends, and now she’s suing her for impound fees, a car, and emotional distress!
what does she want: only $2830??? excuse me????? WHAT KIND OF CAR.
how it went down: deana says she’s known jasmine for three years and the things she’s learned about jasmine during this friendship are: “she’s inconsiderate, she only thinks about herself, she sleeps around with all her friends’ boyfriends, she steals out of stores, and she’s a booster.” deana pauses this litany of slander to explain to greg what a “booster” is, and greg rolls his eyes dramatically and says, “you think i don’t know what a booster is? i had people boosting for me before you were born!” i have been alerted recently that there are some international readers of this stupid ass newsletter (the queen lets y’all read this shit???????? crikey!) so for their benefit alone, the rest of you should already fucking know since we have covered this before, in depth, please familiarise (see what i did there) yourselves with the bop “i love boosters” by my faves, the coup.
jasmine denies being a thief but deana says that jasmine just went to jail for “stealing out of toys r’ us, even though she don’t have kids” and i almost choked to death laughing. deana says that jasmine went to jail before that for hitting a police officer in the head with a bottle when they were called to break up a house party they were both at, and yo man you can’t be friends with a person like this! they will absolutely land you both in jail!!!!!! maybe it’s just a function of my age but i feel like every person i know, when faced with a precarious and/or potentially dangerous circumstance, would make the logical, sensible choice to get out of it. ie if a house party we were all attending got shut down by the cops for being too loud or whatever, we would file out in a single line, apologizing profusely, then get into our sensible minivans with the camping roof racks on top and drive home in silence after stopping at the atm to get cash for the babysitter. i don’t know any people (anymore) who’d throw a bottle at a cop and i am impressed by jasmine’s recklessness. remember what it was like to be cool and young???????
greg is like “girl you did WHAT” and jasmine explains that she was drunk (i mean…………………..we know) and that as she was leaving the party she realized she had an open bottle of liquor with her, which she couldn’t take in her sister’s car, so she threw the bottle toward the house and the officer thought she was throwing it at him and he grabbed her. she says that’s obviously what happened, because she wouldn’t be in court today if she’d actually hit the dude. you know i thought that might be the case, considering my extensive legal knowledge on this subject (watching the courtroom scene in good will hunting upwards of 1,547,329 times).
deana’s obviously trying to make jasmine look bad and greg hates that shit, so he asks jasmine to dish some of deana’s dirt to return the favor. jasmine gleefully obliges, saying she knows deana through her sister, who happens to be dating deana’s brother. jasmine says “she’s a prostitute, i really, honestly believe she’s a prostitute” and says that deana is always asking her to hook her up with men who have money because “she’s a gold digger.” noted feminist gregory mathis is like “i think that’s a more appropriate term, don’t call her a prostitute” and jasmine says that deana has a broke boyfriend at home and is sleeping with her landlord to pay her rent. greg says “how much does she get off? 50%?” (messy!!!!!!!!!) and jasmine says “probably a hundred.” goddamn, where the fuck was this dude when i was paying two grand a month for a shitty apartment on granville and hoyne??? jasmine says deana will chase after any kind of check; fraud, welfare, you name it and she’s gonna chase it.
deana says that one day in september she invited all of her facebook friends to a party she was throwing for her boyfriend. pandemic notwithstanding, this is the one facebook feature i actually miss, being able to invite a bunch of people to something casual without having to look up their phone numbers or emails or expend any real effort whatsoever. it was so nice to just post “hey this is the bar where i will be at 9” and see who showed up and who you should immediately block. ahh, the good old days. jasmine was one of deana’s facebook friends, so she was among those invited.
the night of the party deana, jasmine, and jasmine’s sister got ready together before the party, laughing and joking and having a great time. the party starts, everyone is having fun and getting along, it’s basically a hit. at some point in the evening deana’s cousin tells her that she needs to put something in her car, and deana says “okay cool, it’s parked right out front.” the cousin returns a second later, saying that her car isn’t out front and that someone told her jasmine had given the keys to some random dude and told him to make a liquor store run. deana was, shall we say………………..shocked and horrified by this????? aka she completely lost her shit.
turns out jasmine hadn’t given the keys to some random dude, jasmine is the one who took the car. deana says she found out when she got a call from the police saying her car had been involved in a hit and run, and when she got a ride to the scene of the accident she saw that the entire right side of the car was damaged and the windshield was caved in?????? what the fuck did jasmine hit???????? jasmine must’ve fled the scene because deana says when she got there the police tried to lock her up (see? this is why you need old ass, responsible friends!) and when she convinced them she hadn’t been involved they settled for impounding the car as evidence instead.
greg wants to go over what deana is suing for, and from her accordion of truth™ deana produces a copy of the kelly blue book valuation of her car ($1426) and a receipt for the impound fees she had to pay ($410), and the balance ($994) is for the emotional distress of having to move in with her coworker (omfg) for weeks because she didn’t have a way to get to work. i have worked with a loooooooot of people and i am trying to think of a single one who’d be like “wow i love how much you get on my nerves for the eleven hours we’re paid to be together, why don’t you come crash on my couch and annoy me for the remaining hours in the day for free!!!!!” there are none! i’d have to become that person who secretly lives at their job!!!!!!!!!!
deana says that ultimately she got fired from that job for “arguing with one of jasmine’s friends” and boy oh boy these girls gotta widen their friendship circles! sisters and boyfriends and cousins and coworkers i am literally begging them to make a friend nobody else knows!!!!!! jasmine says that her sister (here we go again) gave her the keys to deana’s car and deana knew about it?? anyway jasmine says she got the keys then informed deana, who was incredibly drunk, that she was going to run to the store to get herself some more booze. she was driving through an alley and sideswiped a garbage can, which tore up the side of the car and shattered the windshield. the judge asks why jasmine thinks she shouldn’t have to pay and jasmine says she wants to pay for the damage only, not the car itself, and i’m sorry babe but surely a strong breeze could obliterate a fourteen hundred dollar car, so i don’t even want to think about the havoc a dumpster collision could wreak!!!
the ruling: deana gives the judge a bunch of photos of the totaled car and there’s one in the middle of the two of them smoking weed (“i just wanted you to know that jasmine does smoke weed, despite what she said earlier”) and greg laughs a lot but you can also tell he’s about to get pissed and hold up, hang on: according to the police report the judge is now reading, jasmine didn’t hit and run on “a garbage can in an alley” like she just said, jasmine was driving deana’s car and hit and ran A CHILD. no wonder they kept the fucking car!!! it had a little kid’s blood on it!!!!!
deana says that jasmine hit the kid, then fled the scene and walked back to her party after giving deana’s car keys to a friend who is currently in a real, non-televised courtroom facing real, non-televised charges for hitting a child with deana’s car. OHMYGOD??????? jasmine is standing there stone-faced while greg goes in on her for being “a terrible person,” and when he asks deana if she knows anything about the victim she says “i called his mother, he’s doing okay.” ummm, deana is not suing for enough money. this is a $5000 max case if i’ve ever heard one. holy shit, this was not a turn i ever could have anticipated this case taking! i’m stunned!
greg says to jasmine, “you did it, didn’t you” and jasmine must watch as much court tv as i do because she keeps her mouth shut and shakes her head no. deana is like, “well, i have text proof where she admits it” and damn, hats off to miss deana for being the most prepared witness in the history of this show. she’s got the blue book, police reports, every single receipt, kodak prints from walgreens…………….future litigants? take note. judgment (obviously!!!!!!!) for the plaintiff, and i hope jasmine keeps her grand theft auto bottle-throwing hands in check because we all know that if “YOU HIT A CAWP, YORE GOIN’ IN.”
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “she’s a booster??? ma’am, that’s a nice jacket. did you…boost that jacket?”