who was on judge mathis yesterday? #269
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: barbara from east chicago, indiana. i am in awe of a person who can confidently wear white out in public. i’m not even being a fucking bitch, i am truly mystified when i see someone outside in a pristine white shirt. especially if it’s after 11:00 am. oh sure, even i could keep a shirt clean for the two hours after i put it on, but there’s actual skill required to walk in the door at the end of a long day without looking down to discover you have blood or ketchup or lipstick that looks like blood and ketchup smeared in a prominent spot on your shirt. black clothing isn’t much better, unless you eat nothing but squid ink and chia seeds. when is [high fashion designer i’ve never heard of] gonna start making clothes the color of soup?????
defendant: martinez from chicago, illinois. one of the (infinite, obviously) things i love about black people is that we will name our kids a hispanic name without giving a FUCK. i know two black juanitas and a black carlos. now i don’t have access to martinez’s family tree but his last name is williams so i’m just gonna say i’m fuckin right! martinez looks quite dapper as he strolls into the courtroom: dark slate suit, pale blue dress shirt, v-neck cream-colored sweater vest, midnight blue tie, freaking CUFFLINKS. does he………………..think this show airs on hbo???
the complaint: barbara says she loaned martinez money within weeks (weeks????????????????????) of starting a sexual relationship with him and he never repaid her, so she’s suing!
what does she want: $1000!!! (i’m sorry but unless this man has a dick like a beer can what was on babs’ mind??? one thousand american dollars???? that’s real money?????)
how it went down: barbara (absolutely gorgeous: close-cropped hair, pristine white bolero over a fitted black dress, chic pearl earrings, fenty #390 expertly applied) says that one summer night she was hanging at the bar with some friends when martinez walked in and took her breath away. okay, i didn’t even mention this dude’s face. he’s fine as hell. you know who he kinda looks like? shemar moore back in his young & restless days (and now you know what i was watching every single weekday in 1997), goatee and all. not one thousand of my dollars fine? but foiiiiiine nonetheless.
okay so i started writing this yesterday, took a break to “find something i needed and forgot,” then just………….never came back to my computer. that said, TODAY i am bravely wearing a stark white new york times sweatshirt (iykyk) and there are no mystery stains yet so i’m feeling pretty good about myself. i’ll report back.
barbara says “my mother warned me, if a man [fucks] you right you’ll give him the keys to your house, your car, and your bank account.” THANK GOD I’VE NEVER BEEN FUCKED RIGHT. that sounds life-altering, literally no thank you!!! barbara says she met martinez at the club and went home with him, where he told her that he’d recently lost his mother and was dealing with some major debt. i’ve been off the one night stand circuit for a while now, but back in my day the most you would say is “i need a glass of water” or “you remember how to get out of my building?” i honestly don’t even know what i would do if i’m digging through the blankets to find my underwear and dude brings up his balance sheet, a full-throated scream???
the judge asks barbara “does he work?” and barbara says he does, in fact, he has his own business. again, what kind of penis power does this man possess that would make an otherwise intelligent and successful woman ignore the billowing red flag that a dude who is incorporated feels comfortable asking for money from a person he just met at the bar?????
this dude must really bring the THUNDER because barbara says martinez initially asked for three hundred and she was like “why don’t i give you a thousand?” bitch!!!!!! if i had a vagina even half as good as martinez’s dick must be i would never even wear pants!!!!! greg is beside himself. he asks “how long after meeting him did you give him three times the amount of money he asked you for?” and barbara replies “two weeks.” i have to go lie down.
okay wait, let’s say she’s rich as hell and $1000 means nothing to her. that’s possible, right? why is she on TV asking for it back??? the number one rule of life is if someone asks you for something, don’t give it to them if it’s something you’d want or need returned. it just isn’t gonna happen. the judge is like “oh my friends would looooove you. ya got any money left??” and i’m starting to get mad because he’s trying to make her look dumb and i can empathize because i, too, have tried to purchase the affection of a hot person!!!!!!!!!
martinez begins his testimony saying “your honor, it’s a pleasure to be in your courtroom” and yeahhhh he’s slick and charming on top of having glowing skin and a casket sharp fit????? freaking irresistible. okay martinez’s version is that one night he was at the club, bummed out over his recently deceased mom, and barbara came up to him, lively and energetic, and was like “hey what’s wrong let me cheer you up.” she bought him a bunch of drinks and they exchanged numbers. he reached out the next weekend and they met up at the same spot, where she again bought him a ton of drinks and they hung out all night. according to martinez, he “woke up the next morning somewhere in indiana” with barbara standing over him saying, “here baby, take my keys.”
ummmm he’s just being hyperbolic for dramatic effect because attempted kidnapping sounds spicy in front of the judge. it would take me longer to get to, say, wilmette from downtown than it would to get to indiana. like, they’re different states but you can essentially see indiana from chicago. the outer drive to columbus to stony island at two in the goddamn morning or whenever it is young people stay out until??? i’m on the skyway to indiana in what, twelve minutes??? if that?????? stop acting like she took you hostage, man!
they made arrangements to meet at the club the following week (i am dying to know where this was) and when barbara saw martinez was still glum she asked him what would make him feel better and he replied “i need a $350 camera for my business.” greg, absolutely disgusted now, turns his nose up and accuses martinez of dry begging then says “that’s the lowest con a man can put down” before telling him he needs to take him to detroit so he can learn some game from the judge’s homies.
martinez says when barbara offered him the thousand dollars he thought for sure she was joking because they’d just met, but then she said “let’s go to the bank” and when she came out handed him a stack of bills. the next time he sees her at the club, martinez says he was talking to some old friends of his when barbara spotted him and walked over and said “patna, let me holler at you for a second.” (why is this nice lady suddenly my dad???) plot twist: she wasn’t pissed at him about the money (yet), she was mad because martinez was talking to some women at the bar. (i am so stupid, and this is evidence of why i got played by so many assholes: when dude said “old friends” i literally pictured him being wholesome with a group of grandpas or something. i’m too naive!)
martinez says that he started to get nervous, but then he reminded himself that he’d just met her and she wasn’t his woman. i’d argue that maybe that thousand dollars led her to believe she was his new boss, therefore she felt entitled to tell him what (or whom) to do. he says in that moment he decided he would pay her back and then never speak to her again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
barbara claims this version of the story isn’t true. she says they weren’t at the club, they were at navy fucking pier (KILL ME), and she saw martinez walking around popping bottles of champagne so she tapped him on the shoulder and said “if you can afford that, you can afford to put a down payment on your loan.” martinez wiggled out of that awkward situation, buying time by telling barbara that he would pay her back within the week. barbara says she called several days later and martinez gave her a sob story about his transmission going out. then “the transformer went out in his building” and he couldn’t pay. the next time she asked he said “i would, but it’s raining.” people can get away with that?? good god, i need to become worse.
the ruling: apparently martinez told barbara he would get the money back to her within 30 days (i think from the initial date of the loan, not the bubbly confrontation at the worst place on earth) and the final time she asked for her money there were three days left and martinez promised he would come through. the judge is like “and you believed him?” (rude) and she says yeah because she didn’t know his situation, maybe his accounts receivable was about to come in!!!!!!!! okay those were my words and not hers but the sentiment is the same. she doesn’t do his books!!!!!
now martinez busts out a ream of printed out text sheets™ that he claims proves that barbara never asked him for the money back because every time he heard from her she was asking for SEX. okay in one of the texts barbara asks martinez to come over and install her “stripper pole and sex swing” and in another she basically asks if he wants to bone but then there’s another in which she checks him for taking advantage of her, BUT: the most important revelation of all? THE CLUB THEY WERE AT WAS THE SHRINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have been there more times than i can count! it was the best place to party!! it’s closed now because somebody got shot, but it was my fave. i don’t have any humiliating stories from there (surprise) which is too bad but once after last call (oooof) i unknowingly tried to steal a cab from RON FUCKING TRENT, whom i failed to recognize through my stoli razberi-colored glasses, but he was cool about it and we rode in the cab together until i jumped out at a red light near the train because i had no idea how far ron was going and didn’t want to have an awkward conversation while idling in front of a building about who would pay for what when i’d just drank all my money!!!!!!!!!!
greg makes a few jokes about barbara being a sex fiend but we don’t slut shame around here, so let’s skip right past that to the judgment, which is (DUH) for the plaintiff. here’s hoping barbara has better luck the next time she boldly stands in her vagina power and manifests her destiny!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “so you got turned out, is that what you’re saying? he turned you out, then took your money!”