who was on judge mathis yesterday? #247
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: john from emerald, wisconsin. john is wearing a standard-issue light blue dress shirt from kohl’s with a steely blue patterned tie and gray slacks. his hair is in the most severe buzz cut i have ever seen, and either he just got back from a deployment or he buzzed it off in the hotel bathroom this morning. it’s sharp enough to slice meat!!!!!!!
defendants: amy and frank from woodville, wisconsin. amy is wearing one of these (i’d be willing to bet a modest sum that it’s this exact one???) with a crisp pair of these, also known as the midwestern mom’s daily uniform. this outfit isn’t dashing around some bustling metropolis, this outfit is wedged behind the steering wheel of a 2014 dodge caravan littered with crushed cheerios with two broken seats and a sliding door that won’t open! this outfit isn’t going to a lazy sunday brunch, this outfit is piloting a wobbly-wheeled cart loaded with tide pods and uncrustables through target!! this outfit doesn’t know who king princess is, this outfit is passionately singing along to hamilton!!!!!!!!!! dude looks like whatever, blue shirt blah blah black tie blah blah beard.
the complaint: john says he was married to amy for 19 years until she cheated on him with his friend (TELL ME MISS GIRL IS NOT IN COURT TODAY WITH THIS MAN’S EX-FRIEND?????) and now he’s suing her for an impound fee.
what does he want: $218 SIR????? absolutely not! amy is countersuing for $1000 for emotional distress.
how it went down: john says “i was with this woman for nineteen years, she cheated on me with my friend” and man i love when these fellas get right to the goddamn point! the judge interrupts to say “you saw them?” (messy!!) and john says that one night she went out to pay her phone bill and didn’t come back until three in the morning. this reminds me that somehow my phone bill got put on autopay even though i don’t like that shit and it feels like a violation every time!!! if i hit the goddamn lottery tomorrow i still don’t want anything auto-debited from my account, i like to play russian roulette with my money!!!!!!!!!
amy interrupts to say that she and john were indeed married for almost nineteen years, and john spent the last twelve of those years cheating on her with at least nine women?????? the entire audience collectively takes a huge shit in their pants (you can hear it) at the audacity of this fucking dude. i’m sorry but if you cheat on me nine times you can fucking choke on that…………………….$218. hang on, everybody pause for a sec and pull out your winter coat from last year, i bet if you dig deep enough in one of the pockets you can find $218 in there. this man can’t possibly need this little piece of money that bad!!! what a shameless asshole, i am in awe!!!!!!!!
the judge is baffled. he’s like “sir, nine times?” and john says “what she’s saying was cheating is looking at pornographic websites, or being on adult chat sites—” and amy interrupts here to say “or signing up for adult friend finder!” fast forward if you’ve heard this story before, but ten or eleven years ago i ran into my sister getting off the el at morse and she was staring intently down at her phone and i bumped into her like “um…hello, bitch? it’s me, we share dna????” and she was like “oh sorry i’m talking to this guy i have a date with.” i am a pest, an idiot, a romantic, a gossip hound, and (worst of all) THE BABY OF THE FAMILY: i demanded she tell me everything, right there on the street. so she angrily yanks her earbud out (she’s such a fucking bitch lmao) and exasperatedly tells me about this dude like i’m annoying her (i’m the little sister, i get to be) and at the end i begged her to show me his picture. and she got all cagey, like “we haven’t exchanged pictures” and on one hand i’m like WHAT but on the other i’m like LET ME CALL NEV AND MAX. anyway i kept needling her (i’m very good at being the youngest, you see) until she opened her phone to show me this profile from adult friend finder, a website i had never heard of. and at that time i had profiles (no one clicked on) on a few sites and considered myself something of an expert in being rejected by men online, so i was confused that i’d never heard of this site before. this man’s profile picture was of a hard dick. THAT’S IT. no smiling with his dog on a bike path, no weirdly cropped picture of him with 1/4 of his girlfriend’s arm, just a shiny, erect penis. i look at her like “excuse me?” and she looks at me back like “SO THE FUCK WHAT” and there’s all these people rushing by pushing past us to go to the heartland or whatever. i asked if i could see her profile and she said no and i said fine because i’ve already seen her titties because she’s my stupid sister. i had no idea that everyone trying to get an internet date wasn’t sitting alone in their studio apartment crafting witty, self-deprecating sentences no one was ever gonna read. why did i waste all that time listing my favorite books when i could’ve just posted my labial folds and coordinates??? what a fool, trying to get romanced!!!!!! i had so much to learn! anyway i think my sister is still boning that shiny dick dude.
amy’s man reminds her that john was also paying for webcams and posting sex ads on craigslist, and i am not a man but isn’t that against the rules of bro code??? greg says to amy “you consider him getting on the internet nine times cheating?” and amy says “yeah when they’re both naked on a webcam!!!”
hahaha john continues his cell phone story saying that when amy didn’t come back that night after paying her bill in person he suspected she was hanging out with his homeboy because he noticed an uptick in their communication and amy started shielding her phone screen from him when they were in the room together. he says that he and amy separated and she moved out to get her head together and amy is not gonna let this motherfucker lie on her, she interrupts again to say “and why did i have to get my head together? because i found text messages and emails in which john was cheating on me with my friends!!!!” WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS DUDE’S FUCKING PROBLEM? also, how small is their fucking town!?
amy goes on to say that in addition to his trying to fuck both her friend and her sister-in-law, john also placed an ad on craigslist for “no strings attached sex” while he was out of town for work, the evidence of which she found in his email. john tries to keep talking about amy’s single infidelity that occurred while they were separated and after she’d discovered him trying to put his dick in a hard drive, but noted male feminist gregory mathis shuts that all the way down. like yeah man, in 1952 he might paint a scarlet A on her chest and let the studio audience tear her limbs off but we live now and you fucked up: 1 first and 2 worse. get to the damn money!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
john says one day he got a call from the sheriff letting him know that amy had been arrested while driving their car. john says his sister took him to get his car back, which she paid for, and he paid his sister back and says amy agreed to pay him back. (“i did not!” she yells from across the courtroom.) greg asks if they were legally married at the time of this incident and uh ohhh i can guess where we’re headed. you can’t sue your wife for joint wife shit, trust me, i’d be in court every other day if you could! john says they aren’t married now and greg clarifies that you can’t sue your wife to pay herself back her own money. john, painfully misunderstanding what the judge is trying to tell him here, says “no, i want her to pay me back.” and greg says “she can’t pay herself back” as john stands with his mouth agape, looking like me that day i found my sister’s extremely adult friend. *sweats*
the ruling: finally greg takes john out back and shoots him, much to my relief. “marital assets are joint assets, sir. regardless of who worked.” come on brother, that’s rule of marriage number one! no matter how many times you charge your wife for beer and nachos on venmo (why do people do that, you know we can see you right) in the eyes of the law you two are just passing the same ten bucks that belongs to you both back and forth between each other. every dollar that comes into the house is “our” dollar, john! greg says “my wife hasn’t worked in fifteen years and, believe me, the money i make is both of ours!!”
amy has their divorce decree in court today, which she says john eagerly signed, and nowhere in it is amy ordered to pay him this money. who represented john in their divorce, me????? that’s when you put all the shit you want a judge to make her pay in writing, before you never see that bitch ever again!!!!!!!! dude should get off craigslist and skim a divorce pamphlet, my goodness! amy’s counterclaim is denied because her issue boils down to “he’s annoying when we exchange the kids,” and john’s not getting a damn thing either. judgment for no one, except mine for my sibling!!!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “she caught you? all these times?? man, you should’ve left this cheating subject alone!!!!!”
*bangs gavel*