plaintiff: jasmon from benicia, california. first things first i gotta tell y’all...i fucked up my computer. specifically, the keyboard. and i’m not sure how? but some of the keys aren’t going all the way down and that makes it extremely hard to type coherent sentences that are spelled correctly and that sucks. do i know what’s wrong? not really, no, but i can imagine some gooey mixture of cracker crumbs, dandruff flakes, and earwax particles is to blame, but also the shit could just be broken. so, if there are any typos you see that are like “damn, this dumb bitch doesn’t know how to spell ____????” just chalk it up to this busted machine. anyway, jasmon really does spell it that way.
defendant: jessica from richmond, california. okay it’s the L key that is the most busted, which tracks i guess since i am constantly taking Ls all day long. jessica is a studly dream come true in a lavender dress shirt and a magenta/purple/white plaid necktie, with sagged khakis and a heavy belt. she’s got smooth, chocolatey skin and long dreads that are pulled back into a ponytail and she walks with the kind of innate swagger that can’t be taught, ie enormous dick energy. jessica has big accordion of truth™ energy, as well.
the complaint: jasmon claims she bailed her ex-girlfriend out after she was arrested and jailed for an outstanding warrant, so she’s suing her for repayment.
what does she want: $5000 (got damn!) countersuit, for which we give thanks: jessica would like $5000 in return for harassment (oh boy!)
how it went down: jasmon is really friggin gorgeous! the sides of her hair are shaved down to the wood but the top is long and falls down one side and is partially dyed blonde and i bet this hairstyle has a name but i’m not looking it up so you’ll just have to use your imaginations. she says she met jessica on a dating website and please also factor “will i ever have to sue this person on syndicated television court?” into your swiping decision!
jasmon says that two weeks after meeting each other, and only after 1 or 2 dates, she and jessica moved in together. as a woman with a live-in wife currently in the kitchen shout-singing along with bruce hornsby and the range, i am going to shut the fuck up. but you know what i’m thinking! anyway jasmon says that one day jessica was babysitting her cousin’s kids and the two of them went to the store, leaving the children with a roommate (there’s someone else living in this fucking house?????????? lesbians, how much do you wanna bet that it’s an ex?????), and when the returned twenty minutes later there were cop cars lining the street.
apparently while they were gone the youngest child, who is 2 or 3 (there’s some dispute), was seen running down the street alone wearing only a diaper, which immediately made me think of this, the greatest movie of all time. because jessica was responsible for the kid the police questioned her, and upon running her information they found she had a warrant and arrested her.
jessica says that her relationship with jasmon was sweet and that she got jasmon’s number the first night they started talking, then she went to her house and didn’t leave for two years. okay, come on. what kind of alchemy is this? what kind of spell were they under??? also, who are their friends????? i’m trying to imagine calling my dumb ass friend jessie like “hey, i just met this lady last night on our time dot com and i live with her now.” she would put me in the hospital!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jasmon says that jessica got arrested for an old possession charge and her bail was $60,000 (good god) but she didn’t have the 10% she needed to get her out in cash so she reached out to a bail bondsman, which made me think of this absolutely perfect film. anyway jasmon paid the bail bond and jessica got out of jail and they stayed together “for a few years” after that, and jessica was supposed to be paying off the bond but, uhh, never got around to it i guess? eventually they went their separate ways and jasmon didn’t even think about jessica...until her wages started getting garnished.
i mean, of course! last thing i’m gonna think about after you dump me is some old bail money i owe ya, especially if i’m free!!! jasmon says that a judgment was entered against the two of them for the amount of $6133 but she’s suing for $5000 because that’s the court maximum. i’m sure there’s a lot of snarky shit people could say about jessica being the kind of person who is cavalier about her bills, BUT: since i am that same kind of person it can’t be fucking me. nothing feels better than being billed after the fact, and it feels doubly good when it’s a service you no longer need! like, listen max cherry, you should’ve made them keep me locked up until you got all your collateral back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
jessica says that this is all a lie, that jasmon only paid $1200 to get her out of jail and she doesn’t owe her any more than that. greg asks her how the fuck she got out of jail for only 1200 bucks if there was a $6000 cash bond, and jessica says she doesn’t know but that’s all jasmon paid. LOL WHAT?? greg explains there’s no way she could have gotten out of jail for so little yet she keeps insisting that she did? jessica is confused, greg is exasperated, and my extreme anxiety is making me wish i could peel my skin off like a grape. also, is dog the bounty hunter still in business? how was jessica not scooped up if she skipped bond???????? SOMEONE CALL LELAND CHAPMAN.
the ruling: well it appears we’re not going to get the answer to that burning question today. jessica pivots and starts talking about her countersuit for harassment, which is essentially that jasmon harassed her by having a process server serve her with lawsuit paperwork? huh??? what is happening here! greg looks disgusted, like “do you even hear the words that are coming out of your mouth” disgusted, and dismisses jessica’s case immediately. jasmon’s evidence, which consists of one sheet of paper from an actual court, is all she needs to win. judgment for the plaintiff, and for her new wife, whom she probably met ten minutes ago.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: no but doyle at one point said to greg “they must have met on that website letsmovein dot com” and i cried laughing. hold up, that’s not a bad idea for a dating site. should i learn how to code?????????
*bangs gavel*
ps if you are lonely or bored tomorrow afternoon and want to watch some writers read, jami attenberg organized this event called party for one and i’ll be there. it’s free! please come!
pps GOBBLE TIL YOU WOBBLE