who was on judge mathis yesterday? #264
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: michael from atlanta, georgia. michael strides confidently into the courtroom wearing an extremely cozy-looking dark blue shawl collar sweater, and y’all already know how i feel about a teddy bear of a man wrapped in a soft sweater: AROUSED.
defendant: keith from atlanta, georgia. is he michael’s………….uncle??? as jarring as it can be when an old man drags a young woman into court, somehow it’s even more unexpected to see an intergenerational friendship between men? keith is old! like, old old, like wearing a white sweater vest with an argyle print old!!!!!!!!!! he’s got a sweet little goatee and his “you wouldn’t believe how sexy i was in 1963” haircut looks fresh out the barber chair.
the complaint: michael says keith was a friend of his father’s (okay, i get the age difference) and they both work security at a strip club. he says keith spends all his money on the women there, and now he’s suing him for a loan.
what does he want: $2800 (this is what one could make from making it clap in a horny man’s face??? why have i given so much hole away for free)
how it went down: michael begins by saying “keith is a good friend to party with” and before he shatters the illusion with a “BUT…” let me just say that this is an incredible way to be described. i’m fun to party with, and not because i’m the life of the party (i’m actually the death of the party, posted up in a corner in the club’s lone chair, not speaking, nodding imperceptibly to the beat), but because i’m down for literally anything and am always saying stupid shit like “let’s open a tab, here’s my card.” michael says they party a lot because keith is interested in women his age, despite the fact that he’s old enough to be his father.
michael says keith is a “sugar-free sugar daddy” (i lol’d) who spends an alarming amount of his time in strip clubs, especially since he already works in one. the judge asks what keith does at the club and michael says “i don’t really know, he mostly tricks with the women” and i bet homeboy is wishing he would’ve just paid this dude his money, because being exposed as a simp on nationally syndicated television is downright humiliating!!!!!
keith says that he’s known michael since he was in his mama’s belly, and there is nothing more humbling than someone who knew you as a damn baby talking about you as an adult. poor michael, now everyone’s thinking about him in a diaper! keith says that he’d lost contact with the family while he (michael) and his father (michael’s dad) were in prison, but once he moved back to atlanta he looked michael up and saw that he had turned his life around and was doing pretty well for himself. keith says their two families were so close that when michael’s father died in prison after having been in a diabetic coma that he and his brothers were the ones who buried him.
that’s the thing that is so nuts about this show, that what on its surface appears to be a light n’ breezy case about a guy stuffing $2800 in ones down a hot lady’s panties is also about prison and dead dads. i was not prepared to be sad!!! michael wants to clarify the prison of it all (keith ain’t slick, we know what he’s doing) and says that when he was a teenager a dude pulled a gun on him during an attempted robbery and michael snatched the gun from him and fucking shot him, and that is the sexiest thing i have ever heard. he says that he did six years in prison, got his GED and forklift certification, and has been squeaky clean ever since. michael says he’s a new person and is working construction during the week and bouncing at the club on the weekends, and he hasn’t been in trouble in twelve years. i wonder if he did that complicated math on the spot or if “getting in trouble” is the kind of thing you keep track of like……………..“how many days i’ve been on zoloft.” (243!!)
nice try, keith! michael was in a bad car accident and got a settlement in a lawsuit against the insurance company, and when he got the money keith asked for a loan and michael gave it to him because honestly, how do you say no to your dead dad’s friend??? you’re gonna look poor uncle keith in his face while telling him to fuck off???? if one of my father’s friends had managed to cheat death for this long (unlikely, if samuel irby was alive he would be 87 years old with a pickled liver and a clump of desiccated rat meat where his heart should be) and asked me for money to get some titties in his face…………………..i would give it to him, without question. a person who’d held me as an infant????? i’d be powerless against him!
keith says he didn’t pay michael back because he lost his job and michael insisted on getting the money back in one lump sum payment, and is this maybe the most straightforward money-lending case we’ve ever encountered? now keith is trying to be slick with it, giving the judge a printout that he’d been fired and using that as an excuse for not paying, but it’s from a temp agency, issued months and months ago! plenty of time to find another job!!! greg is like “this game you’re running ain’t nothin! i’ve dealt with people like you thousands of times!!” and he has. i’ve seen them!!!!!!!!
the ruling: greg is annoyed because he doesn’t like when someone tries to run game on him, and he angrily asks keith again why he didn’t pay. “is it because you didn’t have a job or did you trick it all off on strippers????” keith shrugs like “well, ol’ boy already told you i love the booty” and greg screams “you like to trick more than you like paying back your man? what kind of sucker are you???”
michael says keith is always “in the club, throwin’ them ones” and okay that’s keith’s biggest problem here, that he wasted the money he should’ve been paying michael back on lap dances, right where michael could fucking see him. that’s so dumb! if you borrow money from someone you have no intention of paying back, you gotta spend whatever money you do have in places your pissed off loan shark can’t see you!!! you can’t walk up to that dude with glitter and passionfruit-scented body oil smeared across your face, with a boner poking out of your flat front dad pants (uncle pants????), like “hey bro, can i put twenty on it?” he doesn’t want that measly $20!!!!!! especially if you have to snatch it back from between some lady’s ass cheeks!!!!!!!!!!! judgment for the plaintiff!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you got two jobs, huh? and both of them involve manual labor! i know flipping them dollar bills all night is hard work!!”