who was on judge mathis yesterday? #279
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: isaak from statesboro, georgia. okay now we LOVE to see a leftover prom suit recycled for court!!! isaak strolls assertively into the courtroom in a dark gray suit with a crisp white dress shirt and a shiny light gray satin tie, looking like my oldest son (i’ve never had children) dressed up on easter sunday. once he reaches the podium he pops his lapels, a move i have never before seen executed in real life? clearly, after this he’s either going to the banquet hall to stand up in his cousin’s wedding or to his shift down at big bob’s auto dealz to sell your elderly neighbor an overpriced 2018 honda accord with the odometer rolled back.
defendant: aerial from statesboro, georgia. aerial (i promise you she spells it this way and i’m not just paying homage to my boys system of a down) sashays into the courtroom in a black sweater and miniskirt with sheer black pantyhose (incredible!) and a long-abandoned accessory i’m dying to see resuscitated: the not-for-warmth-but-also-not-for-fashion jaunty neck scarf. remember the mid-to-late 90s? when we were all out here walking around in going out tops with a long piece of flimsy fabric, crossed once behind the neck to have a section resting gently atop each boob??? i’m not talking about a neckerchief (although i did love the shit outta those and wore one to my high school graduation and thought i was so chic) i mean a long piece of plain red stretchy material too insubstantial for actual winter that could be used for something exciting like erotic asphyxiation but instead is worn in situations like these in which you want to cosplay as your own mom so people like judges won’t talk down to you.
the complaint: isaak gave aerial a loan for rent money in exchange for giving her foot massages (EXCUSE ME, SIR) but she never let him massage her feet, so he’s suing and ohmygod is it my fucking birthday i have died and gone to heaven!!!
what does he want: $448, approximately the cost of one (1) pair of deeply discounted jimmy choo sneakers.
how it went down: isaak begins “your honor, i met the defendant a few months ago when, from out of nowhere, she sent me a friend request on facebook.” okay, i love this. the internet-strangers-to-opposing-litigants pipeline is undefeated!! i used to think that prison and the hospital were the only great equalizers (A TANGENT: i had to go in for an MRI the other evening and you have to change into scrubs then sit in a waiting area with other people’s loose titties and gnarled toes until your technician comes to get you and wow is that humbling!!) but the internet will make a fool out of anyone and boy is that great. no one with a wifi connection is immune to the scam!!
isaak says he accepted the friend request (of course he did??? she’s pretty) and sent her a message because he wanted to eventually “get something out of her.” every eyebrow in the room raises and he backtracks and says he didn’t mean it like that, he wanted to be friends and, you know, get to know her mind and her innermost feelings. hahaha jk “okay, i wanted to give her a foot massage.” isaak says he likes giving girls foot massages to which the judge casually replies, “aight, foot fetish.” i used to be friends with this cool ass dude who ran a foot porn site called feetishes and he made more money than you would expect taking and selling pictures of black girls’ toes. if you want to see a woman separate her toes using a penis shaft you can find his clips for sale ($6.99, a bargain) if you do some creative googling but i’m not gonna link the shit i found and end up on an fbi watchlist! i had no idea this was a lucrative business plus dude was just so regular, i thought he was a mailman or something when i met him!!!
“it makes up for the sex i don’t have” isaak says, and man i love this honesty. i’ve been watching too much couples therapy (i’m obsessed, it’s melting my brain) so i would love for greg to pull a doctor orna and ask if he’s celibate by choice and prefers massaging feet to intercourse or if he’s an incel who is taking what he can get but unfortunately for me only the judge does not give a shit about this young man’s psychosexual proclivities. isaak says that aerial had heard he enjoys slathering lotion on toes and that she’d reached out because she needed “a favor” i.e. rent money.
greg asks isaak if the women enjoy themselves and despite being totally open and forthcoming isaak doesn’t seem to understand that greg is asking “do they get off too?” and greg has to explain “since you do this in place of sex and seem to have an experience………..do the women have an experience, too???” and isaak essentially shrugs like he doesn’t know and L O L at even the foot fetish dude not checking in to see if his lady is enjoying herself!!!!!!! isaak kinda hems and haws then the judge says to aerial “ma’am, did you have an experience?” and she says “well from his facial expressions he certainly had one.” okay!
“does he do well enough to be called back for a second time?” wonders the judge and aerial says “oh yeah, he gives good massages” before isaak interjects “I GET CALLED BACK LIKE CRAZY.” isaak says he’s given hundreds of foot massages and aerial chimes in “he keeps a list” and i love this so much i could scream. aerial says she first met isaak when, at 1am one morning after the bar, he delivered a pizza to her friend’s house then laid under the table and started massaging her feet. aerial says they live in a small town where everybody knows everybody so a few days later she hit him up on facebook and he came over and massaged her feet and her sister’s feet and her friend’s feet. isaak nods appreciatively as he says “she hooked me UP” and the judge and i both fall out laughing. i think i need this dude to be my friend!
isaak says that when aerial responded to his facebook message she told him she needed $75 for rent. $75 american dollars?? how goddamn small is this town??? DOES EVERYBODY LIVE IN ONE FUCKING HOUSE?????? isaak said he’d give her the money but explicitly told her it was a loan, not a gift in exchange for giving her a foot massage. the next day she texted him and increased the amount to $125 (somebody must’ve moved out) and told him to meet up with her where she was hanging out with a group of friends. greg says “omg they were gonna run a train on you!!!” and lmaoo my skeleton just jumped out of my body and threw itself out the window.
the judge says this is an odd way of doing business, giving money to a person while also giving them a service, and holy shit is he about to charge miss mamas with solicitation????? isaak says “yeah it’s ironic, isn’t it” and goes on to detail how he took a massage table with him and they all had a great time and he even keeps in touch with most of the girls today (are they on that list) and says that before he left he got aerial to sign a contract stating that she would pay him back the money (is it on the back of that list, please god can we see this list it is extremely important for me to know if it is made from letters cut out of magazines).
the ruling: isaak pulls a couple copies of their contract out of his accordion of truth™ and hands one to judge mathis and the other to aerial, and as he moves toward her doyle the bailiff jumps between them and says “i thought he was going for her feet!!” aerial doesn’t contest isaak’s account of the story, she just says that she needs more time to pay him because it’s only been six months. but greg says since she hasn’t given him so much as a dollar that that’s long enough for isaak to assume an “anticipatory breach,” which sounds just fake enough to be a real law.
aerial seems to think that because she offered up every metatarsal in a ten mile radius that would offset the length of time it was taking her to get this dude his money back and greg says, with a straight face, that since she hadn’t written it into their contract she can’t amend it after the fact. i………….cannot believe these words. or these: isaak says that aerial ran afoul of her roommates and they kicked her out so she moved in with him (WHAT) and wrecked his apartment. he says she locked herself out one day so she got a dude to break the fucking door down (omg) and her dog ripped the blinds off the windows and destroyed them plus she shit all over the carpet and the landlord charged them to have it steam cleaned. haha what a sucker. a dude wouldn’t let a homely girl get away with this shit. if this was me??? my guy would be like “no you can’t move them fungussy toes in here, bitch! ps i killed your dog.” aerial has no excuse other than to start talking about how dirty isaak’s kitchen is and yo at least he has one??????? judgment for the plaintiff, who i assume will use it on exfoliating cream and soft gloves.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you keep a list? oh, you’re gonna show me that at the end of the case!”
*bangs gavel*