who was on judge mathis yesterday? #260

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: theresa from whittier, california. theresa is wearing a deep eggplant shell beneath one of those blazers that is intentionally impossible to close. it’s like a too-small cardigan with with lil flaps sewn on. not my style, but she looks cute. also theresa is wearing no makeup and no jewelry, she’s clearly somebody who’s gonna have to go prep her mise en place as soon as this shit is over.

defendant: nicole from long beach, california. a bronze goddess with many long barrel curls (did she think she was competing in a pageant???) and a simple black knit dress, also no makeup or frills or accessories, unless you count her pregnant belly, which she is rubbing as if a genie might pop out of it.

the complaint: theresa says she and nicole were friends from work and they agreed to take a trip to london together but nicole never showed up at the airport, so she’s suing her for unpaid loans and interest.

what does she want: $3890, wow! lent to a lady at her job??? literally never!

how it went down: theresa says that she and nicole met because they worked at the same “culinary agency” (what is that) and quickly became close friends. she says everything was great until she realized that nicole is a “scandalous and over-tempered person.” man i haven’t heard someone referred to as scandalous in a minute. let’s bring that shit back. i wanna feel like i live inside a dj quik song!!!!!

the judge asks for an example of said scandalousness and theresa says that a couple months after they met nicole discovered her man was sleeping with someone else, so she busted out his windows and slashed his tires. BEEP BEEP this is the emergency broadcast system, speaking of scandals i gotta interrupt this scandalicious case to ask DID Y’ALL SEE THAT SANDOVAL AND RACHEL SHIT OVER THE WEEKEND?????? omg, BITCH. i’m a huge fucking loser so i spent the better part of the weekend endlessly scrolling through bravo fan accounts trying to see what the fuck happened. at first i was like “is this april fools?” (idiot) but then i saw the lightning bolt necklaces and the interview snippets and shit outta my mouth. sorry to those of you with more than two brain cells who are above this trash but i have seen every episode of vanderpump rules and i love it. first of all, i’m sure it goes without saying, team ariana. team white kanye, too, because he’s hilarious. i am in shock and most of the people in my everyday life don’t understand because they’re busy reading the newspaper or whatever grownups do so i have no one to bother incessantly about this. can y’all believe they’ve been boning for seven fucking months??? that’s wild. also, the sheer boldness of quietly banging your mistress in the guest room while your lady is sleeping in your shared bed upstairs is absolutely breathtaking. more nerve than a damn toothache, these two. and can you even believe no one in the cast knew and we’re witnessing the fallout in real time????? i feel both extremely lucky and alarmingly overstimulated!!!!!!!! my stupid car that i hate has sirius xm and i used it for the first time in two years today sitting in my garage for an hour listening to radio andy like a jerkoff. somehow this is all too much while also being nothing at all. did you hear that scheana (allegedly) popped rachel in the mouth after wwhl???? man, i guess she should consider herself lucky because if stassi was there she would’ve put that girl’s head through a wall. speaking of, i’m afraid of/excited for whatever energy lala might bring to the reunion. how many weeks do we have to wait for that? i wish everybody who’s ever gotten even a millisecond of camera time could come back for like, a week? if nothing else, just to give us some shady confessionals then they can get back to whatever real jobs they now have. i mean, aren’t we all desperate to know what laura-leigh makes of all this?? wtf is vail up to??? PLEASE GOD I NEED JAX.

the judge asks theresa what she did after nicole tore up her man’s car and she says “i helped her out” and the judge volleys right back with “so i guess you’re scandalous, too.” most of us are familiar with rule #382 of judge mathis’ courtroom, but let’s indoctrinate the newbies: thou shalt not point a finger at thine opponent, lest ye have three digits pointing back at thyself. just tell him what she owes you and let the judge figure out she’s a bitch on his own!!!!!!!

theresa says she didn’t help her, you know, clean up the crime scene or whatever, she simply gave her some money to help out afterward. (bail? what are we talking about here?!) greg says “what else you want me to know about” and theresa wisely steers clear of further character assassination and tells the judge that she and nicole planned a vacation to london, theresa paid for that vacation (WHY), and nicole never showed up at the airport. WHAT. i’m sorry but how can you plan an international trip with the kind of person who would stand you up at the airport??? no, i don’t exactly mean that the horrible way it sounds, i mean if your relationship is not close enough that your travel companion would immediately inform you that they weren’t going to make your very expensive trip across the ocean, why are you planning a vacation with each other??????

is “hi nice to meet you, wanna go to belize?” the way people make friends now? every new friend i make lives inside the internet, so i never have to worry about ending up broke and alone halfway around the world because someone i met a few weeks ago ghosted me. they’re always right there safe and snug in my pocket. i cannot imagine being this trusting (if you’re a pessimist) or, uhhhhhh, adventurous? (my optimism is a little rusty.) theresa says she landed at heathrow and was stranded there for ten hours with no money. what do you even do in that situation? you pee, you get your bag, and then what? you cry inconsolably???? i think i could make it work, living in an airport, but rather than going off on that tangent let’s instead go off on this one: i have a uk publisher (i’ve had one for a long time, i’m shitty at this) and i always forget to tell my blokes and lads that you can get my books there. i wanted to britishize them up, add a couple “crikeys” and “mates,” but i was too shy to ask. feel free to scribble “bloody” on every other page.

greg shifts into mean dad mode and demands to know why theresa would go all the way to england without a shilling in her change purse, and she says that she thought when nicole met her there that she’d bring the money she owed her and she could use that to fund her vacation. you’ve got to be kidding me. did she have a hotel booked? if not, where was she planning to stay? had they agreed on an itinerary? what was she planning to eat? how long was the trip supposed to be? did she at least try to get in contact with nicole? maybe she could’ve venmo’d her enough for a kebab or something. this is stressing me OUT, these decisions! i need her to walk me through every step of this trip from its inception to boarding a plane without confirmation that your homegirl was chilling in the exit row, how on earth does………….sorry what’d you say, sweetie? you’re only 21 years old?! okay, i get it now!!!!!!!!!

what a fucking relief. i was starting to grind my teeth into stumps from secondhand anxiety! nicole has some quibbles about the exact day they met (we don’t care!) and then kind of condescendingly sniffs that at the culinary agency she was a CHEF (emphasis hers) and theresa was a PREP COOK. nicole says that theresa expressed an interest in pastry and since her specialty is pastry she offered to take her under her wing (you guys watched this, right) and let her shadow her in the kitchen. nicole says that eventually she had to put some distance between herself and theresa because she was getting a weird, single white female-ish vibe. one example: theresa asked nicole if she had any tattoos, nicole showed her said tattoos, then several days later nicole saw that theresa had drawn the exact same tattoo on herself and posted it on instagram.

see, this is why you gotta get shitty, garbage tattoos. why do you think i’m covered in hotdogs and tombstones and shit??? because no one in their right mind would ever try to copy me!!!! that’s not the real reason (i am a deeply unserious person) but it does come in handy. pretty sure no one’s gonna read BORN DEAD on my knuckles and run off to the tattoo spot to get their own. but if they did? i would laugh!

okay so where theresa was like “we became close, like BFFs” nicole’s version is “i didn’t really know her and she’s clingy and annoying and like a whiny pestering boyfriend.” hold up, she’s so annoying that you asked her for almost four grand??? okay, got it. theresa says she gave her eleven separate loans (yikes) and nicole promised she would pay them back with some settlement money she was depending on. i’m sorry but a few minutes ago homegirl was acting like she’s tom colicchio (this is a bravo house!!!!!!!), why would she need money from the girl peeling garlic????

in addition to the amount she borrowed, theresa has printed out text sheets™ in which nicole is offering to pay exorbitant interest? usually the plaintiff gets rebuked for trying to tack on an illegal loan shark fee to whatever they lent, and i don’t think i’ve ever seen someone willingly say “i’d like to pay $758 interest, please!” greg turns to nicole to see if she has a dispute and she admits that yes she owes the money but she feels like theresa is suing her prematurely. she says she told her she would pay her when the settlement for her court case came in and it hasn’t yet and that’s not her fault. *cue the jg wentworth jingle*

the ruling: this next part gets a little confusing and rather than transcribe it i will summarize: nicole didn’t get her money by the time she told theresa she’d pay her money back and theresa is not giving her an extension. nicole keeps telling the judge that she’s told theresa time and again that her settlement was paid with a check from a closed account (ruh roh) and she’s waiting to be issued a new one. that sounds like a scam, but even it it isn’t the judge says theresa is not required to wait any longer than they’d agreed to.

at first i was gonna be a grumpy old lady and say that theresa needs to be careful before giving anything to a person she just met, let alone thousands of dollars, but instead i’m gonna say that tricking a wide-eyed underling who is dependent on your guidance and experience is rude as hell. borrowing money from the new girl at work is fucking bonkers and even more so if you know she idolizes you and is drawing your tattoos on herself!!! nicole went home to meet theresa’s parents!!!!!!! something is missing here and we’re never gonna know what it is so we shouldn’t even think about it. but for real though, what’s going on???

nicole’s last ditch attempt to salvage something here is an email in which theresa asked her to meet her at costco one afternoon to give her her money. nicole says she wrote back, verbatim, “i can’t give back what i don’t have” and that theresa’s response was “okay.” (i love that passive aggressive ass text/email move! like is that a cheerful okay or the kind where you fall into stony silence afterward?? WHAT KIND OF OKAY ARE YOU SENDING ME??????) okay i guess theresa was sending the “bitch betta have my money” kind, and that’s what she’s getting. judgment for the plaintiff, a proper cheese-eating wanker! (that’s a compliment in british, innit?)

(looking at that jg wentworth spot made me think about all my favorite commercials from when i’m zombiefied staring at colors and shapes on the TV in the middle of the night, and the best one by far with the biggest jam is this rock auto parts banger. like, it comes on and my body just starts dancing of its own accord?? the song is catchy as hell and it highlights the line “the website’s so easy to use” as a key selling point. who do they think is buying an online carburetor at two in the fucking morning, your grandma??? anyway i don’t even know if this is a legitimate company or who would want to buy tires sight unseen off the internet but their jingle fucking bumpssssss why oh why do i care about this, goodnight!)

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you thought she was saying ‘okay, i’ll wait?’ naw, she was saying ‘okay, i’ll sue you!’”

*bangs gavel*

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