who was on judge mathis yesterday? #205
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: victor from columbus, indiana. yeah i thought dude mispronounced “ohio” too but apparently this is actually a real place. victor is wearing the busiest, most chaotic hawaiian shirt has ever assaulted my eyeballs??? it’s, like, electric royal blue? with a palm tree slash clouds slash beach house in the sand theme? and looking at it makes my eyes feel like they’re swimming! he also looks like wilford brimley except with long hair and a long white goatee, which is really bugging me the fuck out. like what in the ben and jerry is really going on here???
defendant: brandi from greenwood, indiana. uhhhh i’m sorry, but: HOW DO THESE PEOPLE KNOW EACH OTHER?????? brandi is young and blonde and wearing a tight black dress that is belted and also has a cowl neck (it’s a lot of look!) and if she is not his niece or something i am going to toss this computer in the fucking garbage!
the complaint: victor claims he sold brandi a car but she never paid for it so now he’s suing her.
what does he want: $2200
how it went down: victor begins by saying “in the summer of 2012 i rekindled a relationship” (my whole body just broke out in hives) “with my second cousin brandi” (oh okay phew we thank you god). listen i’m not sure what wave of feminism we’re in (STOP, don’t try to tell me) but i’m relieved i don’t have to risk getting kicked out of it for expressing my dismay at this beautiful young woman having to bone this old man for a used toyota tercel or whatever the fuck. victor says when he and his cousin reconnected they started doing family activities like game nights and having barbecues. he says it was all going great until he realized how “shady” brandi had become during the time they’d been out of touch.
victor says he found out that brandi had gone through several short-term marriages and had also been arrested for writing bad checks. as a survivor of a ChexSystems mishap in my youth that derailed my financial life for like a decade (??) or maybe longer (?????) i have a pain deep in my heart for brandi. ooh lord i am sorry for her, fucking up anything having to do with a checking account will literally ruin your whole shit! trust me, a person who spent her entire 20s forced to have her direct deposit go to an account at institutions like “bob’s community bank” and “uncle ed’s credit union.” life is hard when every ATM fee is $7 and not a single one associated with your bootleg ass bank exists!!!!!!!!!
brandi is like “okay since we’re airing dirty laundry on here victor is an alcoholic who loves smoking weed and dating hot moms.” lmao me too, victor, let’s party. brandi keeps taking jabs at victor’s reputation (he said he would only come to her wedding if there were “hot women” there) but the judge doesn’t care about all that. greg says, “he’s telling me about your dishonesty regarding financial scams but all you want to talk about is his behavior with women.” i would argue that it’s relevant considering that brandi is a woman victor has had bad behavior with but the only law school i went to was watching every season of la law with my mom in the 80s.
brandi says victor is a backyard mechanic who sold lemons to people and then sued them after the deals went bad, but thought things would be different because she’s his cousin? wait a minute, no…she didn’t know about that before this incident with her car, victor’s daughter told her this is how he gets down after she’d already purchased the car from him. ummm thank you cousin-in-law (someone who studies genealogy please tell me what this relationship actually is) but why not disclose this information before she’s stuck with a piece of shit car??????
victor says his hobby is buying fucked up, disheveled cars then fixing them up and selling them. boy do i hate this!!! i’m old as hell so skip this sentence if you’re not, BUT: the older i get, the less desire i have to get into a casual business situation with a person who might have a real impact on my life. that sounds hella dramatic but what i mean is that if your service is not accredited or part of some national conglomerate then i absolutely do not want to pay real money for your services that i might need to rely on. case in point, when our neighbor’s “friend who is a plumber” came over and fixed our toilet for a “handshake and a beer” a few months later toilet water was raining in our kitchen and what am i gonna do, call the better business bureau on an old stoner hippie. now i call roto rooter where i am presented with a contract that is enforceable by law should some dispute arise. all that to say, the thought of buying a beat up chrysler sebring from a dude who just likes to play around under the hood of a car makes my stomach hurt.
brandi went to victor’s house and drove two of the chryslers littering his yard before deciding to buy one of them. victor says the car was a 2000 and had 139,000+ miles on it and an oil leak but brandi knew that and said she wanted it anyway. GIRL, WHY. to put a dead body in the trunk before pushing it into a river??????? anyway brandi gave victor a check for $500 (uh oh) and promised to pay him $100/month until the car was paid off. well, the $500 check bounced, and once a check scamming queen always a check scamming queen?????? yikes, brandi! “up to her old tricks,” says greg, and wow o wow does he hate her. brandi texted victor and said she’d pay him back but never came through until finally she signed a contract saying she’d pay him in full with her tax refund. OH BROTHER NOT THAT!!!!! greg is like “that’s the oldest scam in the book. this is why you need to be watching me!”
the judge is reading all these printed out text sheets™ where brandi is saying shit like “i’ll be there with $300 in an hour” and i am trying to have sympathy for homegirl but uhhh this is real bad. victor said eventually he just left her alone (that series of lying ass texts were in november) and then on my birthday (TRUST ME, IT’S RELEVANT) february 13 he texted her like “hey what’s up, did you get that refund yet?” now everybody knows this bitch was at h&r block bright and early january 2 to get that instant refund loan or whatever, but i like victor’s optimism. greg does a dramatic reenactment of their text thread in which victor is very nice and patient and brandi is……….absolutely not.
to date, she’s paid victor nothing. brandi says the thing greg didn’t read in those messages is that she asked victor to come get the car in october because it was breaking down on her so often and she’d been stranded in the dark multiple times, and his response to that was to tell her he was going to call the police and report the car stolen so she’d be arrested. greg is like “hahaha yeah right why did you sign a new contract in november if you didn’t want the car” and brandi says “i was desperate.” greg says “is that your defense” and she replies “no” and the judge says “then why did you do it” and oh man it’s so painful that what she thought was clearly gonna be one of those family fights that results in a silent standoff or bitter, years long acrimony that only comes up on thanksgiving is now a court case she clearly is going to lose. let this be a lesson to all of us: before you try to fuck over your weird, womanizing cousin, make sure he’s not litigious.
the ruling: brandi says she doesn’t know why she signed the new contract and the judge is refusing to let her off the hook. we all know the answer is “i never thought it would come to this” right? she obviously thought she could keep running game on this old man and eventually he’d either let it go or die. no one is more surprised than brandi that the two of them are in court today! brandi tries to tug on greg’s nonexistent heartstrings with a story about being stranded with her eight year old but all he does in response is hold up that check she knowingly bounced off victor’s not mama-loving head and it is a wrap, baby. judgment for the plaintiff, who i’m sure is on his way to margaritaville as we speak!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “one of your marriages lasted only two days? you broke kim kardashian’s record!”
*bangs gavel*