plaintiff: shawndell from williamson, new york. shawndell is a short, barrel-chested dude with, like, hi-top twists? i honestly don’t know what to call his hairstyle, which is tragic because it’s very similar to my current shaggy pandemic hair. he also has a goatee, as dense and thick as mine is as well. is this my long lost twin? probably! shawndell is wearing a grey shirt and a tie covered in multicolored squares, plus a goofy, happy grin.
defendant: abbey from rochester, new york. abbey walks in looking like a demure librarian (glasses, plain pencil skirt, cardigan, neatly parted and combed blonde hair) which lets me know right from the jump that she is fucking trouble. anytime you see a person who is telegraphing innocence you know that bitch has a heart of darkness. is she being charged with murder??? i wouldn’t be surprised!
the complaint: shawndell claims his on-again, off-again ex-girlfriend has anger issues, and he’s suing her for vandalized property.
what does he want: $3680
how it went down: greg starts off with some jokes and announces that he’s in a good mood today (oh no!) because his dear friend and brother doyle was blessed with a beautiful baby boy (oh yay!) and he was privileged to receive the first picture of him, which they put up on the screen. he’s so cute, a little chocolate drop with big brown eyes and a little gassy smile. man, he’s adorable! i love looking at pictures of other people’s babies who are not crying!
now let’s get to this case. shawndell kicks it off saying that he and abbey have been dating on-and-off for two years. he says they were good “here and there,” but she’s got anger problems. i have never understood on-and-off relationships, because once it’s “off” do you not...feel extremely relieved? if we break up i’m immediately cataloging all of the shit i hate about you both to bolster my resolve and as a salve for my wounds; what do i do with that information once we get back together? do i just forget that i hate you??? furthermore if we do, by some miraculous lapse of judgment, get back together, when do i stop worrying that we are going to break up again? no one ever changes, not really, so am i just resigning myself to deal with all the reasons we broke up for the rest of my days or am i deluding myself into believing that things will be different or why not just try this with someone else and hope that i can make it work with them! this is a rollercoaster and not the fun kind!!!
greg asks shawndell about these supposed “anger problems” and he holds up a pair of his shoes that abbey allegedly cut up (were those shoved inside his accordion of truth™ or what) and says he has pictures of other items of his that she’s supposedly destroyed. “what did you do to her?!” greg demands, and that is why i love this dude: he knows that if a bitch cut your shit up, she did it for a fucking reason. and then shawndell admits that it’s because he was “talking to other people.” mm hmm. i don’t advocate shoe cutting-up, but i absolutely understand it. also, aren’t we too old to be using euphemisms like “talking to?” why not just say exactly what it is you are doing with a person so i can figure out how mad i need to be! do us all a favor and just say “we send each other nudes” or “once i went down on her in the back of my car” and cut to the motherfucking chase.
abbey begins by saying they’ve been on and off for two years now and LOL at bringing someone you haven’t officially broken up with to court???? she says that when she caught shawndell cheating on her he was living in the apartment she pays for, eating food she provided, he couldn’t keep a cell phone on, and was driving her car because he didn’t have his own. listen i get being dickmatized but unless fireworks shoot out of your asshole every time you have sex i cannot understand continuing with this relationship? what is she getting from him that she couldn’t get from, say, a very tall house plant??
abbey says shawndell came home once with a hickey on his neck and claimed that it was because he’d slept on his apple watch and yes, *clown shoes squeaking* but also: girl you should’ve dumped him! this is a hilarious story for you to be telling your new man, not recount while re-litigating the past with your current one! abbey continues, saying she had long suspected shawndell of cheating but he kept denying it until one day he was out with his family on a boat and left his apple watch at home (i’m assuming she paid for it??) and because she had the password (because it was technically hers) she went through it and read all of his texts to find out that not only was he cheating on her but he was also sleeping with *several* other women and those women were cash-apping (is that the proper conjugation of that phrase?) him hundreds of dollars a week. excuse me?????? “doing a little lightweight gigolo-ing,” greg says, shaking his head. “yeah,” says abbey. while he was driving your ride and eating your food? girl, go on ahead and put that red nose on!
wait, greg asks them how old they are and abbey says she’s 22 and shawndell says he’s 25 and okay i get it now! this is young people’s shit! greg launches into an anatomy and physiology lesson about how young men can’t commit and maybe that’s true but let’s get back to these fucked up shoes! but first, shawndell has some printed out text sheets™ in which abbey admits to having slept with his softball teammate while they were on a break, and greg’s face while he’s reading them?? PRICELESS. he’s giggling his ass off and says, “you hit him below the belt with this one...saying the other guy is more endowed than him. ouch! you’re cold, ma’am, you’re cold!”
shawndell gives the judge a thick stack of printed out cell phone pictures™ and as he flips through them it’s just page after page of cut up shoes and clothes. god, cutting things is so fucking exhausting, i hope abbey had a pair of industrial fucking scissors. cutting through thick gym shoe soles and denim??? she needed some of those dick van patton infomercial dura shears! (do you get that reference, or are you actually young!)
the ruling: abbey’s defense is basically that she did it but she didn’t do all of it, that some of the damage could’ve been inflicted by some of the other women shawndell was dating, and i am extremely into the idea of a coven getting together to burn up this dude’s shit? but come on, you can’t be like “yes i shredded the nikes but that girl over there ripped the insoles out of the adidas” so judgment for the plaintiff, and for his wayward dick.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you were messing with other women? well then, you thought she was gonna throw you a party??? and she did, a ‘waiting to exhale’ party!”