who was on judge mathis yesterday? #215
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: david from san diego, california. man i love san diego so much; i need some sunshine and a rolled taco in a very bad way! anyway, david is wearing his nicest church suit, a shiny dark beige (is that a color) number paired with a white dress shirt and shiny gold brocade (?) tie. he has a relaxer (??) or maybe a press n curl (???) and boy has it been awhile since i’ve seen one of those. WOW. i’m awestruck by the beauty, the sheer eleganza, the sheen coming off the thick dollop of dax pomade painstakingly combed through his luxurious waves!!! is this…………….billy dee williams?????
defendant: toni from spring valley, california. i’m not gonna lie, at first glance i thought this was my fucking sister, pushing my glasses up my nose so i could look through the magnification part like “CARMEN, IS THAT YOU???????” my sister is, like, 6'2" and the scale here is weird so i don’t think it’s her using an alias, but i won’t be a hundred percent sure until i hear this woman speak. my sister absolutely has that same sheer black shortsleeved shirt, that same tight black bodysuit, that same frosty neon pink lipstick, and that exact same shiny-ass beauty supply wig. what if this is my mother’s oldest child!
the complaint: david met toni at a nightclub and dated her for three years, and he claims she had him arrested and wouldn’t let him get his clothes after he moved out of her house, so he’s suing for unreturned property.
what does he want: $3919, an amount so oddly specific that it has to be real? toni would like $2700 in her countersuit for rent and emotional distress!
how it went down: david starts by saying he and toni met five years ago when he saw her at a club, thought she looked nice, and walked over to her and said “hi.” goddamn i love the club!!! a magical place where anything is possible!!!!!!!!! he says “basically we had a dance, then we started a relationship that lasted three years.” THAT HAD TO BE ONE HELL OF A DANCE, DUDE. taking the suit and the hair and the rimless walgreens readers perched on his lectern into account i’m gonna guess david is anywhere between 52 and 137 years old, and now i’m wondering what song he seduced toni to. was it this jam? or what about this one?? hmm, maybe this certified banger right here??? whatever it was, i’m willing to bet my life it wasn’t recorded after 1987.
david says one day he was trying to reach toni on her cell phone and she didn’t return his calls or texts so he decided she must be cheating. greg is like “wait, how long was she unavailable to you?” and i braced myself for an insane answer but i was not ready for him to say “8…maybe 9 hours?” excuse me??? has david never heard of a “nap” or a “job?” he’s calling her a cheater after eight unanswered hours???? come on, man! maybe she was watching get back! greg asks what toni said she’d been up to and david says she told him she was helping out her girlfriend, but “who knows? coulda been her boyfriend!” i am gobsmacked.
david says they broke up after that (good for her tbh) and a few weeks later he started dating someone else and moved in with her. is he for real? this is making me feel batshit. i have been the world’s most insecure girlfriend and even i wouldn’t have suspected someone of ~cheating~ because they didn’t return my call for the length of an average workday? and then dump them before immediately moving in with their replacement??? what is this?????? david says that toni then stalked him at his new girlfriend’s house and vandalized his car, but greg cuts him off because we haven’t heard from toni yet and this man is clearly unhinged.
toni says (not my sister, phew!) that yes they met at the club and yes they dated for three years but the part david is leaving out is that he was the one behaving suspiciously. toni says she thinks david was married (or in witness protection) because every time he’d come over to her house he’d have an overnight bag with him in which he carried baby oil and vaseline. greg, naturally, loses it. i don’t know if david sounds married or just freaky but toni tries to carry on with the story and greg is like “hold on, run that back, what did he have in his bag???” and toni says that david regularly traveled with:
-baby oil
-vaseline
-a toothbrush
-a fingernail file
-basically anything you could win on let’s make a deal
the judge is laughing so hard he can’t even breathe and says “he was walking around with a sex kit???” and toni, serious as a heart attack, is like “YES HE WAS.”
first of all didn’t we learn a decade ago that you can’t be using vaseline and baby oil when you get busy because it fucks with (no pun intended) the efficacy of condoms or whatever? second, every time i notice something embarrassing in my bag before i leave the house i think “how humiliated would i be if i die in a car wreck and this [redacted, although for fun let’s say “vibrator that goes in your butt”] is the first thing the cops find?” does david not consider those odds? also, WOMEN ALREADY HAVE THAT STUFF. you wanna talk about dumping someone for some dumb shit? that’s me, ending my romance with david because he had the nerve to show up with baby oil like i don’t have a bottle of aesop geranium leaf hydrating body treatment on the bathroom counter!!!!!! sir, you don’t need to bring vaseline to a home i’ve fully stocked with kiehl’s creme de corps!!! that is insulting!!!!!!!!!!!
greg is laughing harder than i’ve ever seen and david interjects “sir, this is my personal bag that i carry with me” and greg is like, “yeah i know it is, doctor!!!!!!!!” toni says that david has never worked, that he’s a con artist who uses women and lives like a nomad. david wants to get back to toni’s alleged stalking, but toni wants greg to know that she didn’t answer his phone calls (imagine feeling like you need to explain yourself for this absurd shit) because she’d gotten a new cell phone and didn’t know how to answer it. listen, i don’t care if the phone was surgically attached to her hand and she saw him calling and stuck her hand in the toilet as an excuse not to pick up, if he wasn’t having an emergency that required her immediate attention and dumped her over a few texts she hadn’t responded to in 480 minutes and if that’s me? i’m gonna thank the universe for interceding on my behalf and never speak to you again.
toni says she got word from a friend after david ghosted her (for assuming she’d ghosted him) that he was at a different woman’s house and toni decided to go over there to confront him. she pulled up and saw his car in the driveway and went and knocked on the door. a woman answered, naked except for a robe, and instead of arguing or fighting or snatching a weave off toni asked the woman if they could talk and she agreed so they sat down outside for a while and compared notes. turns out david wasn’t paying any bills at this woman’s house either but wanted full boyfriend status and privileges for buying some groceries and the occasional baby oil rubdown. toni says her jaw shattered on the pavement as she realized that’s the exact same scam he’d been running on her.
david says when toni showed up at his new girlfriend’s house the girlfriend was like “let me go talk to this heifer” in a mad way, but she couldn’t have been too mad if the two women sat and compared his dick pics (i’m speculating) for hours? he says they decided not to fight (over him?????? please!) and since they were distracted david got in his car to dip over to toni’s to collect his stuff while her back was turned. he says he was at her house loading his things into her car when toni pulled up, and when he said he wanted to get back inside to grab the rest of his belongings she said no. david called the police and continued to load things into his car as they waited for them to arrive, when all of a sudden toni came running at him “like a madwoman.”
david says that toni began slapping at him and trying to knock boxes out of his hands, then she started kicking boxes of his that were sitting on the ground. the cops rolled up and OF COURSE, somebody’s gotta go to jail so they choose david and he gets arrested on a domestic violence charge. when david bailed himself out the next morning he says he calls both toni’s brother and sister telling them that he needs to get back in her house just one time so he can finish getting his shit. david gives the judge a list of the items he was missing and okay maybe we really are in 1983 because david came to TV court to get his:
-fax machine
-6-tape vhs boxset of roots
-rotary phone
-desktop printer
-half-empty bottle of soul glo
-computer
-royal dansk cookie tin filled with junk and safety pins
-musical keyboard
-signed picture of jesus shaking hands with ronald reagan (probably)
the ruling: greg asks “so how long did you live with her?” and david says “i never lived with her, we were just kicking it” and i’m sorry but if you need to receive faxes at my crib??? we’re doing a little more than just “kicking it.” i could see the judge’s face change as david started down this fuckboy road (FEMINIST KING) and he’s like “there’s no way you brought a keyboard and a fax machine over to this lady’s house if you weren’t living with her!” i know david thinks that it was just his phone and sweatsocks that lived with toni but sorry pal this don’t work like that! outdated technologies make you a resident!!!
as for toni’s counterclaim, she doesn’t really have evidence other than her word that david lived with her which, apparently, is fine for disproving his claim that she’s holding his stuff hostage but not enough to support hers? maybe they edited out what got greg from laughing so hard he was wheezing to his current extremely irritable state, but he yells at toni that she shouldn’t have moved a man she didn’t really know into her house and i’m like “but they were together for three years…?” but greg is over it and the timelines are fuzzy and we have no idea what happened to the dot matrix printer my man was moving from girlfriend to girlfriend, so both cases are dismissed in a matter of seconds. uhhh, okay i guess? i love when things are over! but what on earth happened in the last few unseen minutes???? somebody get me the snyder cut!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anybody: “you’re suing for $4000 worth of stuff and you didn’t grab that but you made sure to take your $3 baby oil back? you just had to go get your sex kit, huh doc? i know that’s right!!!”
*bangs gavel*