sorry gang, i have been sickkkkkkkkkk. back in the saddle!
plaintiff: jessica from tacoma, washington. jessica is looking elegant as hell in a slinky black cowlneck shirt tucked into an extremely high-waisted wool pencil skirt, and i absolutely cannot get over it. it’s such a good look! anyway her dark brunette hair is in long barrel curls and her accordion of truth™ is positively stuffed, all her papers and receipts just spilling out all over the podium. aw shit, this better be good.
defendant: martin from federal way, washington. martin is black and kinda punk-looking with this sculpted mohawk that’s not really a mohawk? i mean, it’s not a “shorn on the sides with a strip of hair down the middle” kind of mohawk, it’s like a “hey i carved a point into the middle of your afro” kind of mohawk. it’s not bad????? but i would love to see my barber’s reaction to it. martin has a cool five o’clock shadow situation and a smug smile, and he swaggers into the courtroom to stand behind the podium with his arms aggressively crossed and all this posturing makes me think we’re about to hear some absolutely devastating shit!
the complaint: jessica is suing her cheating ex-boyfriend for a computer and the balance due on a loan.
what does she want: $3551
how it went down: jessica says she started dating martin in june and at first things were cool but then they started getting progressively weirder, like he started calling her by other women’s names. okay i love to call things “weird” too because it’s a hilarious adjective that can mean so many things, both good and terrible, BUT: “weird” is, like, he started playing the ukulele at 2am every morning. or he took out all the lightbulbs in the apartment and painted the walls chocolate brown. or he started making his own oatmilk. “calling me by other women’s names” isn’t a gee whiz how strange kind of moment, it’s fucking bad!
jessica says that martin would have boxes of condoms everywhere and also say shit like “hey remember what happened at karaoke the other night?” to her when she wasn’t the one at karaoke with him and listen, do what you want who fucking cares but if you’re gonna maintain multiple relationships and you value holding on to them you gotta be slicker than this, okay? i’m not saying ya gotta carry around a vickie miner-style conquests notebook but the bar is so low! just remember who you went bowling with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
martin says that he is an artist and musician and producer who performs all over the country, which explains both his look and his philandering. he says he met jessica at a youth retreat and hold up...are these christian youth group sex freaks?????? alright! (speaking of, i watched this movie the other day while delirious on cough syrup and it bangs.) anyway he says that when he and jessica got together they had hopes dreams and plans to become “entrepreneurs” together and god can you imagine someone being like “hey i want to bone you and also slog our way through opening a small, fiscally-unwise business together”????? i would choke.
jessica says she loaned martin $4000 and bought him a computer worth $200 and that he only paid her back $649. the judge asks martin if this is accurate and he says “it wasn’t a loan, she was investing in a business, and with that comes risks.” see?????? everybody wanna talk that sweet entrepreneurial talk until it means “lose money trying to fund this thing that’ll never work.” martin says he told her he would pay back her investment out of the profits of ~the business~ and of course it hasn’t become profitable yet.
greg is annoyed as fuck with these two and he yells at martin asking if he brought evidence of his company’s finances with him to prove that he couldn’t afford to pay his ex-girlfriend slash business partner back and no of course he has not so greg gets even more pissed, but i guarantee you if martin had hauled a giant ledger and a bunch of old tax returns and wrinkled receipts into the courtroom greg would’ve been like “i’m not reading all that! just tell me what it says!” jessica has all her paperwork though, and after greg gives her a gold star for being a good plaintiff he asks her what’s up with that computer. after some confusing back and forth jessica says that she gave martin an old computer to sell and he never gave her the money for it, and when the judge demands “WHERE IS THE COMPUTER NOW” she shrugs nervously and it’s pretty clear why their business maybe didn’t work!
martin says that jessica gave him “a couple CPU cases, no hard drives, no nothing” that she stole from her job and i’m not steve jobs over here but it sounds like that isn’t shit? was he supposed to...take that to someone who melts down useless plastic, or??????? so the computer (parts) are still at his house and he didn’t bring them to court today because can you fucking imagine someone dragging a busted old gateway computer on an airplane???????? madness!
the ruling: “all that talking you did, ma’am, all you had to do was say ‘he hustled me’ because that’s exactly what he did. he’s a short hustler. $3551 judgment for the plaintiff.”
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: other than a general orneriness? not really. but out in the hallway afterward martin is standing with jessica and her new boyfriend, a man who looks suspiciously similar to martin, so much so that it is making me a little queasy, and he pontificates: “when you keep operating in the darkness, you won’t see the light.” jessica tries to stifle a laugh behind her hand while her new carbon copy martin (martin 2.0???) says: “that was very poetic? but, uhh, no.”
*bangs gavel*