who was on judge mathis yesterday? #190

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: robert from waterloo, illinois. robert looks like a good ol’ boy from deep in the heart of the midwest, corn fed and heavyset and jolly, my absolute favorite kind of dude. robert is wearing a blinding white dress shirt and blue tie beneath an open black sport coat, and his accordion of truth™ is wound up tight.

defendant: angela from st louis, missouri. HOW DO THESE PEOPLE KNOW EACH OTHER. if i had to guess, i would say robert is 157 years old, and angela appears to be approximately -12. how would these two even end up in the same fucking room, let alone financially entangled??? angela is tall and slender and icy blonde with huge boobs and is robert her uncle??????? angela is wearing a frilly cleavage top under this cute black jacket and she is lashed and bronzed and glossed and i can’t help but wonder…did it hurt when she fell from heaven?

the complaint: robert says he loaned angela money on three separate occasions but she has yet to repay him, so he’s suing her for unpaid loans.

what does he want: $4000!!!!! angela is countersuing (omg) for $4000 for harassment and mannnnn i don’t wanna watch this anymore!

how it went down: robert says he’s known “angie” for about five years. because greg has eyes he asks, “where do you know her from?” and robert says “she was a hooters waitress” and yo i fucking love that. should i write a romcom about an old fat guy who sweeps a chicken waitress off her feet????? robert says he was a regular there (his poor butthole!) and he used to go all the time to watch football games and baseball games and hockey games with his friends and “the girls.” ummm, robbie? those ladies are working, they’re not chilling with you and having a good time! they are serving you drummies and ranch dressing in exchange for a paycheck, they’re not kicking back in front of the world series!!!!!!!!!!!

one of my stupid dreams is to become a regular at a sports bar, because i love watching sports and truly don’t mind sitting still for hours on end while joe buck or tony romo yells at me, but 1 i am a too self-conscious not to feel like a weird creep hanging out at a bar where i don’t know anybody all day and 2 can you fucking imagine how expensive that must be?????? i got a pizza from buddy’s to watch giannis win the nba finals a few nights ago and it was like thirty bucks and yes i enjoyed the hell out of it but it isn’t sustainable to buy beers and wings all day! every year my accountant liz (whom i had to get because the IRS was about to put me in a cell with wesley snipes) is like “bitch you wasted money on what?” and just thinking about explaining to her that “no i don’t have any savings but guess what i spent $600 a week on fried pickles and chicken chips” makes me break out in a full body sweat. robert must be ballin outta control, sheesh.

robert says that one day he was at hooters and he hadn’t seen angie in a while and she sat down so they could catch up, and he told her about how he’d helped another female friend with some money trouble. greg cocks his head and says “why did you tell her THAT” and come on, doc! you know why!!!!!!!!!!!! i mean, i know greg wants robert to say it so we can all make fun of him but robert is wearing a fucking pocket protector, brother. i don’t want to hear him explain why he wanted to impress a hot babe and insinuate that she could get some money, too! we all know what time it is?????? greg is like “you wanted her to know there was another cutie pie in there that you gave some money, right?” and robert, bless him, says “no i was just telling her what was going on in my life!”

you know, every job i have ever had has been in customer service. and i’m great at it, i can deal with assholes and deescalate bullshit situations and am calm in a crisis, but easily one of the most challenging parts of helping people do literally anything is the ones who take advantage of the fact that you are at work and they can hold you hostage because it’s your job to be nice to them. at the animal hospital people would sometimes stop in (without their pets!) just to talk and, like, okay sir you are very charming and funny but there is an escaped rabid cat literally biting my leg under this desk so could you pick up your heartworm preventative and get the fuck out??? i knew so fucking much about so many people who couldn’t be bothered to even learn my name, and sure whatever that’s part of the gig but also it’s terrorism.

robert says the day after he told angie about giving her coworker money she sent him a facebook message that read “here’s my phone number, bob. let’s do lunch.” bob says he didn’t have the kind of job where he could just take off for lunch (i wonder, though…does he have the kind of job where she could post up all day bothering the shit out of his ass???????) and when he was back in the restaurant a month later she came over to him “dry begging” for some cash to fix her car. haha bob is obviously a regular watcher of this fine program.

angie says that bob wasn’t a “somewhat regular” as he claimed, she says bob was at hooters every single day of the week. my heart, it burns! she says he was always in there alone, bragging about being a sugar daddy while hitting on the servers. angie says that not only did bob give women money, he also bought one woman a car (!!!) and took a different woman with him to vegas. WHAT IS BOB’S JOB. can’t take a lunch break but can get a lady flewed out?????? tell us what it is you do, bobby! angie also says that bob doesn’t just go to hooters, he frequents many “conceptual restaurants” where “girls are half naked or scantily clad in lingerie or body paint.” this might be my lingering e. coli talking, BUT: yuck. i do not want your naked booty meat flapping near my fajitas!!!!

angie says that robert never hit on her or propositioned her for sex or anything, just flashed money around and bragged about being a sugar daddy. back to the loans: bob says he gave angie $350 to help fix her car, then five days later she texted him asking if he could help her put a down payment on a house. he gave her the additional $1200 she asked for, despite the fact that she’d never put anything on that $350 she owed him. bob says that over the next couple of months she’d give him fifty bucks here and there and greg interrupts, laughing his face off, shouting “man, she was paying you back with your own tips!”

several months later angie called bob, absolutely hysterical, because her dog was in an accident and the vet wanted $3200 up front before they’d fix it. bob says he works for a pet food company (LOL OF COURSE) and he’s a dog guy so he paid the vet bill without hesitation. bob says that brought the total loan to $4750 but he’s suing for $4000 today because of the payments angie made here and there. several more months passed before she told him to come by hooters so she could pay him back, but when he got there he discovered that she’d been fired.

angie says she had every intention of paying bob back but then he began harassing her and her friends, showing up to their jobs and hanging out, pestering them with questions about when and how angie was going to pay him back. ughhhh see this is the tough thing about blurring the employee/patron lines, because i’m sure bob is gonna say “i wasn’t there to bother them, i just love the buffalo shrimp so much!!!!” in his defense, and that’ll seem plausible because i bet those shrimps are good as hell.

the ruling: as for her counterclaim, angie says bob has come to her job demanding money and harassed her through her friends and boyfriend. greg is like “if he harassed your friends then your friends have to sue him” because apparently there is no transitive property when it comes to getting on a bitch’s nerves??????? angie says that bob also talked to her coworkers about their situation, and yeah babe if he was running off at the mouth about buying women cars when you met him it can’t be a surprise when he starts doing the same thing to you?

i feel bad because this is the kind of situation in which if people could just really and truly be honest with one another then maybe this confusion could be avoided? like, if bob could’ve said “i will give you money and in exchange i need you to fawn over me like a king every time i order a chicken strip sandwich and also i’m gonna tell all your friends about every dime i give you” then angie could’ve made an informed decision on whether or not to get into business with him. i hate brutal honesty but i hate lawsuits more, and maybe if angie had said “look bob, i need this money but i have a man and also i’m gonna take three years to pay you back and i’m probably gonna quit this job soon” then bob could’ve said “what? and i won’t get to harass you in your tiny shorts and make you feel like a piece of shit over a few thousand dollars??? no way!” and they wouldn’t be in court today!

angie has some printed out text sheets™ in court with her today, and greg asks her to show him the harassing messages but as they read them it’s truly just the saddest shit on earth? at one point bob texted her “i’ve got $11,000 tied up in other people’s needs” and come on dude please get an actual friend! this is humiliating!!!!! asking for your money back, even if you do so frequently and to people who don’t actually owe you, isn’t against the law so judgment for the plaintiff, who’s probably on his way to a breastaurant to blow his load as we speak!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you gave her all that money and she didn’t have to do anything for it??? you’re gonna have a line outside the door waiting for you after this, doctor!”

*bangs gavel*