plaintiff: billie from puyallup, washington. IS THAT A REAL TOWN???? “pull y’all up”??????? why the fuck do i live in kalamazoo (*sob*) when there’s a place out there offering to pull my ass up??????????????? you know i love a fat lady in a jewel tone, and billie is serving me kohl’s extra soft scoopneck tunic realness in a bold raspberry with a matching lip and i am feeling it. billie looks like the amiable secretary who mans the front desk at puyallup elementary, all apple-cheeked and pleasantly plump, and she probably has child-sized lollipops tucked in her accordion of truth™ to hand out to all the good kids after the trial!
defendant: ronnie from kent, washington. wait a fucking minute, how do these people know each other??? my man ron thunders into the courtroom in the finest glittering beige suit the discount big and tall store had to offer: shiny beige jacket and pants (i’m not kidding, they have a sheen), shiny tan dress shirt, and a super-shiny satin brown necktie. i might need to go find my sunglasses! ron is lightskinned with a bald milkdud head and a salt-and-pepper chinstrap beard?????? i’m obsessed.
the complaint: billie is suing a man she met on an interracial dating website for an unpaid loan. OH THE WEARY SIGH I JUST HEAVED.
what does she want: $2600???? excuse me??????? if she dated him for even a day short of three years i’m gonna throw this computer out of a moving car!
how it went down: billie starts by saying she met ronnie in july on an interracial dating site and please, god, if you are real and you love me, pretty please let somebody say which site this is. WHAT IN THE HELL??? these people are old, so i’m gonna guess it’s not one that you need a smartphone to operate? does ourtime have a jungle fever bureau???? at the risk of my marriage i just googled “interracial dating sites” (while keeping my ears open for footsteps coming down the stairs) and i scrolled down the list of the usual suspects until i found one called, brace yourselves, swirlr dot com????? is this what dating is like in 2020???????? “swirlr is for singles who choose character above color and culture,” and, okay sure, i buy that, but isn’t logging on to something called SWIRLR specifically to find a person of a different race the very definition of “choosing color?” i’m not even mad at it, that’s just some weird shit to say! i hope this is where these lovebirds found each other because even the homepage is batshit. brb i’m gonna make a profile.
billie says that on their first date she and ronnie went to dinner and she paid (big mistake, babe) and she was very impressed with ronnie because he showed up in “a lime green suit with a matching hat” and honestly? that tells you everything you need to know about this dude: age, race, cigarette preference, what type of cognac he drinks, how many lottery tickets he buys a week, everything. greg says, “i’m just curious, what made you go on that site?” and i screamed “WHAT SITE WAS SHE ON, GREG???” but he continues, saying, “do you prefer dating african-american men exclusively?” like the cat that caught the canary, and billie responds “sometimes!” i hear ya, girl. ME, TOO.
greg says “what type of relationship did y’all have?” and billie laughs and says “a very short one!” she says ronnie came across as a very christian person, but after a month of dating he didn’t seem to be paying much attention to her so she started seeing someone else and ronnie caught wind of it then left her “a derogatory voicemail” including “language [she] couldn’t repeat on air.” WHAT. senior citizens are cussing their girlfriends out on the phone??? come on, ron! that’s not nice! how you gonna shit talk the church bazaar lady????? what, were there no kittens around for you to be mean to???????? appalling! but also, like...i’m picturing him calling her a cheating old baldhead scallywag (or however old people cuss) on her ancient cassette tape answering machine and it is killing me, i might actually pass away from laughing.
ronnie says he doesn’t own a lime green suit with a matching hat. wait a second, how many brothas is billie dating????????? bitch, i’m over here assuming billie is sitting home drinking milk and quilting every night and this hoe is out here meeting so many dudes on bbc dot net that she is mixing up their outfits??? put this woman on a stamp! ronnie says it’s true that billie asked him out to dinner and paid, but there wasn’t a connection there so he decided that they should just be friends. ronnie says “she was cool, but i wasn’t giving her no action.” boy, put that on my fucking tombstone, SHEESH. that shit sums up my entire dating history!
greg asks ronnie about the “cheating” and he says that he called billie one day and she answered and told him she was on a date (FEMINIST ICON, OKAY???????) and ronnie got mad and tore her a new one because he felt like he was getting played. okay so, go on ahead and get in this electric chair, babe. my man doesn’t call, doesn’t write, says he isn’t vibing with her, borrowed money and didn’t pay it back, and he somehow thinks his ass is the one getting played???? GUILLOTINE, SWEETY. gregory agrees and says “why did you care if you didn’t want to date her anyway?” and then asks billie if she got an order of protection because ronnie is obviously in love.
in august ronnie told billie that he was having car problems and he was afraid he was going to lose his job if he didn’t get a new car, so he asked her for $2600 and she loaned it to him and he agreed to pay her back $50 a month starting the next month. now i am a stone cold fucking idiot, but at that rate, with no interest, he’s gonna have to be in contact with this woman he doesn’t want to date but cussed the fuck out for a minimum of fifty-two months. 52 months???? that’s 4+ years! i have exes i wouldn’t talk to after four fucking minutes, but a monthly reminder of this asshole for four years i am SICK.
ronnie says that he completely forgot about the loan until a month ago when he was served with papers to come to court. what must it be like to have a brain like that? i feel like throwing up if i owe somebody bus fare i absolutely cannot fathom driving a car every day that i scammed off a costco greeter and not seeing her ghost in the backseat every time i check the rearview. HE FORGOT??? i can’t remember anything because all these depression pills but holes in my brain but i forget dumb shit like “what was i about to google” and “has anybody seen my car key,” not thousands of dollars i owe to a virtual stranger???? WHAT BLISS. please, whatever medicines this dude is taking? get me some!
the ruling: the judge asks ronnie why he didn’t pay billie once she’d jogged his memory (please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and ronnie says because he thought the statute of limitations had run out. CUTE. he also says he had no way to contact billie, which i can understand because i definitely delete a number the minute shit goes wrong, mostly because i like to recklessly scroll through my phone at 3am trying to start trouble. billie says she was intimidated because ronnie had cursed her ass out, which is why she chose to bring him to court after she’d found his information on facebook. wait a second, y’all are still out here putting your full home address on your facebook page??????? come on, ron! greg is like “nice try, doc” and tells us that verbal agreements expire after three years but written ones are good for nine (got damn!) so judgment for old mother hubbard, goodnight!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “i’m not much of a sinner. i don’t steal, i don’t murder...but? i do lie. yeah, i guess i do sin!”
*bangs gavel*