who was on judge mathis yesterday? #95

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: rashee from rotterdam, new york. rashee looks very business club (like business casual, but tighter) in a frilly black shirt and skintight pants with long braids and a deep plum lip. she has Very Serious Glasses on above a withering scowl, and an equally serious accordion of truth™ on her podium.

defendant: shawn from schenectady, new york. are these neighborhoods in brooklyn? why have i never heard of these places before??? anyway shawn is dressed like a spring day in a pink-and-sky blue plaid dress shirt with matching sky blue tie and light gray pants. he’s bald and bearded and honestly kind of a snack. he has an accordion of truth™ and that makes him even sexier.

the complaint: rashee is suing her fiancé’s best friend for totaling her car.

what does she want: $2418 for the cost of the car. countersuit filed: shawn would like $2000 for emotional distress because rashee is “annoying.” i’m sorry but i laughed!

how it went down: rashee says she’s known shawn since 1997 (the year i graduated high school, shout out to still having cartilage in my knees) because he’s best friends with her fiancé pierre. i am so very sorry to be this person but my twenty year reunion was three fucking years ago, how long can a person remain affianced?????? didn’t the common-law kick in like thirteen years ago? hmm, maybe new york doesn’t have that anymore. does america? anyway, pierre and shawn used to run the streets and sell drugs together. awww!

in 2005 shawn was sentenced to 14 years in the federal pen for selling narcotics. that sounds too long but what the fuck do i know. the judge asks him how much he got caught with and shawn hedges like he doesn’t know before finally admitting “three million dollars worth” and wow man what were you selling???? maybe all those years weren’t enough! rashee continues, saying that when shawn got out she and pierre allowed him to live in their home rent free with zero responsibilities, but her one condition was that he couldn’t have women in the house. “now you sound crazy!” greg shouts before dramatically turning his back on rashee. “no sex? it wouldn’t have been as bad if the man hadn’t been in prison for fourteen years.”

rashee says early one morning she awoke to find some other woman’s shoes in her family room, and she could hear the sounds of shawn and this woman having sex (gross!) and she told pierre “welp, he gotta go.” i’m sorry but even if the rules are archaic and bad, if you agree to live somewhere rent free you also have to agree to those rules! why not just...fuck a girl who has her own apartment????? i have lived in places with weird ass rules and sure, i guess you could make a philosophical argument with your landlord about their rules but also they could just tell you if you don’t like it to leave. if she says NO SEX and you say OKAY AGREED then...you can’t have sex i guess, especially not of the loud six in the morning variety!

shawn says both of his parents were addicts and he’s been hustling in the streets since he was 12 years old, which is where he met pierre. the judge asks pierre if he’s done time and pierre says yes and then greg asks if one snitched on the other and they emphatically say no. i would watch their buddy comedy. shawn says the 14 years in prison changed him and that he has a new appreciation for life; he’s a commercial truck driver and a tattoo artist and a law-abiding citizen. pierre is the one who got him the lawyer who filed a motion for him to get out, and when shawn says that the entire courtroom claps!

shawn says that in the 22 years he’s known pierre he’s also gotten to know rashee and while she’s “good people” she’s also “aggravating and annoying.” he says she’s a hypocrite who pretends that she’s so churchy and good but it must be a secret church because he never sees her going there. greg says he’s gonna call his pastor, who is the presiding bishop over all of the cogic churches, to verify whether or not rashee attends the church she says she does. ooh no, a bishop on speed dial???? couldn’t be me!

rashee says that she used to own a 2008 dodge charger (emphasis hers), and shawn asked her if he could borrow it but she said no because he didn’t have a drivers license. pierre went to pick rashee up from work one day and was like “hey shawn crashed your car, we gotta go pick him up from the state trooper.” rashee was like “how did he get my car??” and pierre said that he had let him borrow it. hmm, sounds to me like she oughta be suing pierre, too, but i digress! shawn told them that he would take care of all the damages, but then he told the trooper that he’d slid off the road because the car “was a death trap” and had bald tires. the car, the car that didn’t belong to him, the one that he wasn’t licensed to drive in the first place, was a piece of shit so he shouldn’t have to pay??? lmao more nerve than a toothache, this guy!

shawn says he asked rashee to use the car (because she has two of them, and one was just sitting there) to run some errands. she said no and then he “made an executive decision to go above her head” and asked pierre. i’m sorry?????? ELECTRIC CHAIR. pierre told him he could use the car and what shawn actually needed to do was “go see his lady friends” since he couldn’t invite them over to the house (this is excessive! how much sex does one person need, level with me) and while he was out it started raining, and when he was on his way home he had to make a sharp turn on the exit and slid off the highway, tearing up the undercarriage of the car on a cement block on the side of the road. shawn says because he is “an extraordinary individual” he walked away unscathed from an accident that surely would have killed a lesser person.

you know what shawn has? that disgusting, irresistible charisma that a lot of awful men have, where they’ll be saying dumb, misogynistic bullshit but then pepper it with enough comedy and charm to keep you from fucking murdering them. for instance, when shawn says “honestly, she should be paying me for saving her life, because had that been her in the car she might not have made it!” i want to strangle him but also his delivery is so hilarious that i just want to squeeze his little stupid cheeks. greg asks if his lawyer let him testify in his own defense at his drug trial and says if he did shawn should sue him for malpractice, because he would’ve given him 30. shawn just laughs. he’s a bad person and a terrible witness but he’s really funny!

the ruling: shawn’s counterclaim is garbage, you can’t sue someone for getting on your nerves, and thank god for that because i’d be in court every other fucking week! greg finally says what i’ve been thinking for the last few minutes: if she wanted to rashee could take shawn to real court because he technically stole her damn car! he says that was theft or, at the very least, it’s negligent. and none of this would have happened if shawn had never stolen rashes raggedy car! to that end, he says maybe she knew the car was raggedy and knew shawn wouldn’t have known how to operate her raggedy car even though she was comfortable driving it. once i spent three minutes explaining to my friend how to start my raggedy car and what to do when it eventually stalled out on her and she looked at me like BITCH WHAT then threw the keys in my face and called a cab, so i feel this very deeply.

shawn’s counterclaim is dismissed, because come on, and rashee’s is granted. in the hall shawn is still performing his thirty-minute comedy central stand up special, saying that he has ptsd and “emotional stress” and he still thinks rashee should be paying him but he’s gonna give her the money anyway so he can continue going to her restaurant to eat empanadas. a twist ending!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “sleep? not with the noise you were making. i know after fourteen years you were howling at the moon!”

*bangs gavel*