who was on judge mathis yesterday? #51

a books/snacks/softcore daily (almost) mini letter

hello i got FUCKING BIFOCALS and it has taken me this many days to be able to look at a computer and/or tv screen without wanting to vomit due to my wandering, unfocused eyes. getting old is a crime. onward!

plaintiff: leroy from detroit, michigan. now this is what i come here for. leroy is old and black and wearing a nineteen-piece suit with a shiny satin tie and a pronounced limp and when i say i would lay down my life for him i hope you know i mean that. leroy has a thick mustache, a fresh fade, and a shiny pocket square that matches his tie and i love him. his accordion of truth™ is old and thin, much like my patience.

defendant: annie from detroit, michigan. as you know i am deeply enamored of my adopted home, and am currently wearing this coney dog sweatshirt from citybird as i write this, so it feels like fate! annie is not wearing a fraying sweatshirt with dried gravy on it, she has come to court in a fine orange blouse under a black blazer, small rectangular glasses, and her accordion of truth™ looks moderately stuffed.

the complaint: leroy says annie hired him to do some work on her house, but it turned out she only wanted him to work on her p***y.

what does he want: $950 for unpaid wages

how it went down: leroy begins by rambling incoherently about how he met annie in 1997, approximately 30 years ago, and please excuse me while i have a massive heart attack because i graduated fucking high school in 1997 and has it actually been thirty goddamn years? WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME? HOW OLD AM I??? i calmed down and did the math and realized that it has only been twenty-three years since i left my graduation ceremony early to get fucked up in my homeboy’s car in the parking lot outside northwestern’s football stadium, but that’s still over two decades ago and wow o wow time is a thief!

annie and leroy dated for a year before things started going south and he started to suspect she was cheating on him. leroy says annie had a male friend she would be hanging out and joking with all the time yet annie denied they were fooling around, but then she had a kid by that other dude ( ! ) so leroy broke up with her. man, i love old black people in love. leroy ran into annie in ‘98 after newly becoming sober, and they started dating again. after some “emotional problems,” they broke up again. leroy ran into annie again in 2009, and this is why you gotta switch towns after you break up with somebody because these motherfuckers got back together again.

they started their relationship anew but this time limited it to “friends with benefits,” because every time they saw each other they wanted to “jump each other’s bones.” ooh, boy. if you can’t move cities then you definitely gotta get your witchy friends to hex your exes or cast a protection spell or some shit, because this merry-go-round is both confusing and exhausting!

annie says she met leroy 32 years ago, in 1987. jesus be an abacus, i can’t keep up with all this subtraction and shit! annie says their relationship was bad because leroy was jealous and stalker-ish, and because he drank and smoked weed. she was working in telemarketing and he’d call her multiple times a day while she was trying to work, and it’s hilarious to think about someone stressing a telemarketer out over the phone?? somebody write that horror movie. anyway, annie thought that she could maybe curb leroy’s jealousy by moving in with him, which is logic i simply do not understand, but she says that made his jealousy even worse. annie broke up with leroy, and when she ran into him five years later she says he was like a different person because he was sober.

greg asks annie if she had stalked leroy, which leroy must have alleged in a segment they edited out because i don’t remember that shit. she says no, he clearly was the one keeping tabs on her. leroy says he has a video that proves annie stalked him? maybe? idk something is missing here but greg is anxious to get to the tape so let’s do that. the video appears to be of the work leroy was doing in annie’s home, some ripped up walls and floors that i do not adequately know how to describe because bitch i don’t work at home depot, and he’s panning the room to show off the work and then the video pauses and you can see an annie-sized figure in a doorway wearing only some black sweatpants and a bra. ok so leroy is trying to prove that she was hitting on him, not that she was stalking him? annie says there’s no way to prove that that’s her in the video (the head is cut off and it’s kinda blurry), but lmao girl is that your fuckin house?

leroy says annie kept trying to have sex with him when he was supposed to be working and was constantly stalking his facebook page, and greg gets mad and yells at him to get back to the facts of the case.

the ruling: leroy is suing for supplies, paint, ceramic tiles, and the pants he ruined by popping a boner because annie wouldn’t stop watching him work in her underpants. haha jk that’s why i’m suing annie. he says annie paid him $950 of the $1800 they verbally agreed upon, and when he asked her for the rest of the money she said “i’ll give you $250.” she gave him the extra $250 but the balance still hasn’t been paid. leroy keeps stumbling over the amounts annie paid and the reasons why she hasn’t paid him and it’s pissing greg off. dude really does sound like he took a sedative before coming to court, so i get it, i’m frustrated, too.

annie rattles off a list of numbers and payments that is very confusing to me ($650 down plus $5 a tile for 91 tiles that she may or may not have paid in advance), and greg asks doyle the bailiff to add all the shit up on his pocket calculator. while he’s doing that annie contradicts herself and says she gave leroy $750 and then an additional $250 because he painted a wall, so she’s paid him a total of $1000. finally the accordions of truth™ get cracked open and leroy pulls out a fake contract i assume was written on toilet paper or the back of a takeout menu because jesus christ i have never heard so many disparate numbers being tossed around in all my life and i refuse to believe these people set up an excel spreadsheet or whatever. annie says leroy never told her that she hadn’t paid him enough, and that the first she’d ever heard about it was when she was served papers to come to court. greg doesn’t believe her, but then he turns to leroy and asks him if he ever told her she owed him more money before suing her and the words that come out of his mouth sound like “zZneufjewvnak SsShksaqqpolbg, devfqwrl!” as he digs through his accordion to unearth some printed out texts™ that will hopefully prove his case. THEY DON’T. case dismissed!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: (as leroy mumbles incoherently, shuffling through the many loose sheets of paper shoved into his accordion of truth™) “sir, how long were you on drugs and alcohol? it seems like you might have a comprehension problem!”

*bangs gavel*