who was on judge mathis yesterday? #201

an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time

plaintiff: james from derby, kansas. james kind of looks like a clean-shaven bubba sparxxx??? yeahhhh, that’s the one, bubba sparxxx! not to be confused for his doppelgangers everlast or brother ali or paul wall. man, rapping ass dudes who look like this really had a moment, huh. anyway, james is wearing his best husky khakis paired with an extremely cozy-looking navy blue v-neck sweater and pale yellow dress shirt. HERE’S A FIRST: james has not one but two super-stuffed accordions of truth™ under his arm, and i understand wanting to be prepared but who the hell is this dude testifying against, the government?????

defendant: lystra from wichita, kansas. come through, sunday school teacher realness! lystra is wearing a voluminous black and white church skirt with a prim black dress shirt, teeny tiny spectacles, and her hair slicked back into a severe bun. i can already feel my cheeks burning as she stares me down for misquoting the apostle’s creed.

the complaint: james was married (is still married???) to lystra but their relationship hit a rough patch and he loaned her money towards the end to help pay some bills and now he’s suing for an unpaid loan.

what does he want: $5000, OKAY NOW!!!!!!

how it went down: i had (and still kind of have???) a double ear infection and let me tell you…………..my brain is mashed potatoes. so if this stinks, please send someone over here to drain the pools of infected pus from inside my head. okay so james says he met lystra in 2007 on a telephone chat line, which means i gotta pause this to rewatch the greatest episode of catfish of all fucking time. for the unfamiliar, back in the olden days we senior citizens could call a 900 number and convince weird freaks and liars (uhh, i mean, “local singles”) to fall in love with us simply using our quick wits and the dulcet tones of our voices. doesn’t that sound neat? damnm, remember the good times, when you could record an outgoing message like “hey i’m sam i live in rogers park i have a big ass and want you to pet me like a cat” and then………………….forty-five minutes later some dude would be knocking on your door ready to do exactly that? life was so simpler before the internet ruined everything! (she wrote, on the internet.)

james is a commercial fisherman and was working in alaska at the time, but he set up a voicemail box for people on the chat line and he says lystra left him a message and when he returned from his voyage on the high seas (??????????????) he called her back and they started talking. greg can’t fucking wait to start clowning this whole thing, but he restrains himself and asks “what did you guys talk about?” due to the nature of the singles hotline and the fact that james is currently on national television you already know his answer is going to be a lie, but even i wasn’t prepared for him to say “the weather.” hahaha yeah okay! god i would give up a vital organ to hear this dude’s outgoing message. “cuddly white teddy bear seeks thick caramel cutie for warm kisses on cold nights, sorry in advance i smell like trout.”

james says they talked for six months and then he came home and they met, hit it off in person, then started dating. i am…very surprised it went this well? until right this second the only successful long-term chat line hookup i’ve ever seen was when my old roommate met a dude who cleaned our apartment for a few months in exchange for sex, but this is actually nice and even kind of romantic! james says they got married, not because he really wanted to but because of lystra’s “religious beliefs” and the fact that they’d been dating for two years. okay i take back what i just said, there’s literally nothing less romantic than *throws hands up, rolls eyes skyward* “okay bitch i guess we can get married since we’ve been having sex for so long.”

james says that he got a tattoo wedding band (no judgment, all my tattoos are stupid as hell, but i would never do this) and he liked being married to lystra, but he says her family did reverse racism to him and hated him just because he was white. a few minutes ago he said he got a different job and moved lystra miles and miles away from everyone she knows, leaving her isolated in their house for days at a time while he was off working, but yes i’m sure her mama was mean to him (how? over the phone??? just don’t pick up????????) because his beard is blonde and he loves boxed macaroni and cheese. (the powder kind)

lystra says that james started cheating on her from the moment they first got together, and finally we’re getting to some drama. also it’s always a dude on here painting himself as a humble, hardworking angel who married an asshole while conveniently forgetting that he started boning other people the minute they settled down. funny how that happens, and remind me to employ that strategy if i ever get hauled into court. then lystra admits to sleeping with women (hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) while james was off working all the time and she was bored and lonely, and lmao now i understand that her family obviously hated dude not because he was white but because he turned their daughter gay!!!!!!!!!!

the ruling: greg is tired of this shit and says, “okay let’s hurry up and get to the loan, but first: are y’all still married?” UH OH. as a certified expert television judge, i can tell you right now that if his answer is “yes” there’s gonna be a problem, because you can’t sue your current spouse, no matter how many not nice names her parents called you. james sighs and says that they are indeed still legally husband and wife and i winked at the dog like “bro, watch this.”

james goes into a whole thing about how he got an opportunity to move to anchorage and he took it, leaving lystra behind to work her day job as a home health aid and her night job as a woman who fucks women. he says that several months post move lystra called him and said she needed money, because she was making $8/hr part time and trying to keep up an entire house and bills, so he sent her $7500 and now he wants what he can get back. which is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, as that’s still his wife and what’s his is legally hers and she can’t technically borrow money from herself. greg tells him good luck in divorce court, and i tell abe i’m gonna go to law school and carry him in my purse like reese witherspoon. case dismissed!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “why didn’t you get dogs if you were bored? wouldn’t that keep you occupied?”

*bangs gavel*