plaintiff: angela from fresno, california. ooh boy, remember when we all used to wear fake imitation crushed velvet all the time??? angela is wearing a deep magenta “overpiece,” lane bryant i will never forgive you for introducing this word into my daily lexicon, that’s like...couch cushion material? you know what i’m talking about, it would be called “velvet-feel” or something like that if you saw it in a value city furniture catalog in 1992. and that’s not fucking shade, i’m sitting on a designer look, value priced couch right now, babe! angela is wearing her elegant patterned velour over a black top and pants and has an accordion of truth™ at her luxurious side.
defendant: christopher from fullerton, california. christopher is decked out in this midnight blue crewneck sweater over a striped blue button down, he’s also sporting a fresh haircut and has a little manicured chin scruff and a stud in his left ear—omg, is this...a bad boy???
the complaint: angela claims the defendant wanted to be her boy toy (excuse me???? lmao her WHAT?? i am so, so sorry in advance but that phrase just makes me think of this, which is indicative of both my age and my interests in an extremely unflattering way!) and is suing her former tenant for unpaid rent.
what does she want: $2525. countersuit because okay sure why not: christopher would like $2003 for damaged property.
how it went down: greg walks into the courtroom with a bunch of papers in a manila folder (of truth™???????) and i’m glad to know he’s done his homework! okay so angela kicks it off saying that christopher came to her asking to rent a room in her home and she thought his intention was to do so for free in exchange for being her “boy toy.” OH FUCKING BROTHER. first of all, that’s called a son, and who on earth would want another one of those. imagine having a young messy, selfish, lazy, useless, sloppy, piggish, unkempt, disrespectful person in your house and in addition to reminding him when garbage day is and that the dishes in the sink need to be washed on both sides you also have to fucking have sex with him?????? i’m exhausted just thinking about it. who would want that!
okay so angela placed a craigslist ad for the room and christopher answered it, took a tour, and she decided he’d be “a good fit for the home.” that’s weird! he moves in and everything is cool and then one day he asked her if she’d ever tried meth. now let me pause here to say that i am not good at guessing ages but she appears to be at least twice his, i’m talking absolutely old enough to be his mama. maybe even a young grandma. anyway that is relevant because her answer is not a resounding no, as i expected, her answer is “well i had some curiosity.” LOL BITCH WHAT. you know what i’m curious about? what different kinds of sushi there are, or maybe how many books stephen king has written over his career. you know, shit you can fucking google. curious about meth? at her big age????? i actually gasped.
that conversation progressed into christopher’s suggestion that they have sex in exchange for the room, which angela said wasn’t as big of a surprise to her as it is to the rest of us because the two of them had already fooled around before! wait, when??? what is going on! apparently on several occasions christopher invited angela to his room and they did everything but sex. hahahahaha this is incredible. and she says it so casually, like *shrug* “yeah, he fingered me” like that’s just part of what landlords and tenants do. greg is unsatisfied by this explanation and is like “no, tell me exactly how it went down” and alright you freak!!!!!
christopher introduces himself and from the rip says he’s never done or offered angela meth, he was asking her if she ever used it in the past. aha. he then starts talking about how angela was obsessed with him, saying he caught her watching him on the security system she had installed and going through his trash. listen, i believe this? but i think it’s hilarious that this dude thinks it’s a sex thing and not, you know, a landlord thing??? a lot of landlords are just assholes, man. and they think whatever you are being overcharged to live in their dwelling entitles them to unfettered access of your personal life.
the judge asks christopher if he ever asked angela for sex and his baffling response is “not like that.” not like what? dude should have been like “yeah we banged because i think she is pretty and interesting” but now greg is roasting him and says he believes angela because “not like that” is basically another way of saying ABSOLUTELY YES. christopher has brought his girlfriend with him to court today, and greg is like “i know you don’t want her to hear it, and you don’t want america to see it, but i believe you asked this woman for sex. now let’s get to this rent.”
let’s get to the rent, indeed! angela says that christopher fell seven months behind on his rent, and oh yeah he must’ve been fucking her because every landlord i’ve ever had would be filing eviction paperwork the second day of the month if my shit wasn’t there by 11:59pm on the first! angela says that christopher would claim he wasn’t working and never had any money so she said he could work some of his debts off (no, “not like that”) but every time she asked him to take care of the lawn or things around the house one of his girlfriends would come over and he’d shirk his duties. angela says she started the eviction process but then christopher disappeared so she never had to go to court.
christopher’s defense is that he did do work around the house and that angela illegally evicted him by putting his stuff out and damaging it while he was working out of town. now, i’m a fucking idiot, but if you go out of town and leave your stuff in her house then don’t you still have to pay for your stuff to keep living there? show me the bank that’s like “oh, you’re shorting the mortgage because you spent a few weeks in europe? cool, cool.” life doesn’t work like that, young man!!!!!!! christopher also says he was never given notice, but angela is already pulling printed out text sheets™ from her accordion to refute his claim. i love a plush stuffed ottoman-dressed lady who comes prepared!
the ruling: christopher keeps talking and talking and it is pissing greg off. angela can’t find in the many printed out text sheets™ she’s brought the exact date she told him to come get his stuff, so she gives greg her phone so he can read it from there. christopher starts arguing before greg can even get his glasses all the way off to hold the phone directly against his eyeballs (lmao don’t get old, kids!) saying that the text is incorrect but, um...he can’t even see it? anyway greg reads the text aloud then asks christopher when angela put his shit on the curb and he says “september” then, i love how much this dude has a flair for the dramatic, says “well she sent you this eviction text in may.” boom goes the dynamite. christopher keeps waving papers at the judge but he’s cooked, judgment for the plaintiff and whatever boy toy she moved in to take his place!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you tell me about this, sir! i want to hear the gossipy part, not this other stuff!”
i love you, even though we live in hell. black lives matter.