who was on judge mathis yesterday? #94

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: waynenita from euclid, ohio. gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous. waynenita is wearing a long, wine-colored, mock turtleneck tunic (that sounds ugly but it’s cute, i promise) with tan leggings and at first glance i thought she was wearing a minidress? remember the skin-colored legging trend that seized the nation a couple years ago, when i would have a heart attack every five minutes while driving down the street because it looked like everybody was out here at the bus stop and in the pharmacy parking lot just donald ducking it??? if i went outside in brown leggings people would be like “wow, how did those giant bags of unpeeled sweet potatoes grow a human head?” which is why i don’t 1 wear leggings or 2 GO OUTSIDE.

defendant: natosha from cleveland, ohio. natosha looks like your regal, elegant old auntie who only comes over every third easter and spends the entire time holding onto her purse and sneering at the food. her outfit is something i’d wear if i ever had to cosplay as a person with a retirement plan: a floaty olive tunic under this loose black cocoon sweater with black pants and a few “tasteful” silver chains. her hair is in a shiny, blunt-cut bob and she hasn’t brought even a scrap of evidence with her to court today, a bold fucking move.

the complaint: waynenita is suing natosha for blowing up her house after having an affair with her father. FUCKING EXCUSE ME?????????????? i think i’m dying!

what does she want: $5000, which is not enough oh my god, how can we get her into a real courtroom where she can, oh i don’t know, get the cost of an entire house back??? i am going to absolutely lose my shit, because natosha has filed a countersuit for $5000 for defamation of character. someone, please i am begging, come over here and set me on fire!

how it went down: greg starts off by exasperatedly sighing, “aight, tell me how you know each other” and can we please get the footage they left on the cutting room floor of what occurred before this?? there’s always some tricky editing involved with these cases but right out the gate? that’s a first! okay so waynenita says that she knows natosha because natosha dates her father and sure, okay, that tracks; but then she says that it’s weird because her father is 57 she and natosha are the same age and wow, i did not see that coming? i can’t be judging people by their breezy mom fashions, i guess!

in january 2018 waynenita’s parents split up because her father was cheating on her mother with natosha. ugh, yikes. her mother kicked her father out and waynenita told him that he could stay with her, the one stipulation being that he wasn’t allowed to have people over when she wasn’t at home, a rule he immediately broke by inviting over natosha. waynenita says natosha does drugs “real bad,” that she smokes weed and pops pills, and that natosha’s relationship with her father consists mostly of drinking and fighting. she continues, saying that her father once accused natosha of throwing a toaster at him while natosha contended that he threw her into a wall. waynenita hands the judge a photo of the damage and there is a distinctly toaster-shaped rectangular hole in the plaster, so unless natosha is built like spongebob that toaster story sounds legit.

waynenita says that they fought constantly and prior to her father even moving in natosha stabbed him. hello???????? STABBED?????????? natosha interrupts to ask “do you have proof of that?” and waynenita splutters “do i have proof???” and listen, can someone please acknowledge that this is shocking??? even i, a person who grew up in an unstable dangerhouse, am perplexed by how casually this news is delivered! greg says “when someone makes an allegation and the first response is ‘do you have proof????’ that typically means they did it” and i love when this dude throws away the impartial part of being a judge! anyway, after the unidentified-object-in-the-wall incident waynenita told her father that if he ever brought natosha over to her house again he would have to go, too. but of course that wasn’t the end of it, and the next time her dad had natosha over they fought so badly that the neighbors called the police, and her father was arrested because he had an outstanding warrant. and waynenita assumed she was done having to deal with natosha.

natosha says that waynenita has never liked her because she didn’t like the fact that natosha was “dealing with” her father. i’m sorry but there has got to be a senior spirit haunting natasha’s body because only old black people say “dealing with” instead of, i don’t know, hanging out? dating? banging?? natosha says that waynenita hates her because they are the same age, but she better get used to her because she is currently pregnant with her father’s child. excuse me again???????? WHAT IN THE WORLD. waynenita is like “his baby? you sure that’s his baby??” and natosha says “get ready to be a big sister” and waynenita scoffs and then natosha says, “i’m your stepmom” and i’m begging, please god, someone come over here and fucking stab me. what a fucking nightmare, some regular bitch you hated in high school marrying your fucking dad???? and then lording it over you like it’s some kind of accomplishment?? i’m furious! honestly, what the fuck is she bragging about, we already heard y’all have toaster fights and go to jail, is this really the relationship you’re trying to throw in someone’s face?

when i was young i used to have the kind of trifling friends who would be all “i have a boyfriend and you don’t” and it was always so hilarious to me because it wasn’t like they were dating mysterious hedge fund managers with glamorous lifestyles, they would be fucking, like, bums we went to school with. like “sure okay, i’ll pretend to be jealous of that dumbass who wasn’t allowed to graduate with us and sleeps on the couch in his mom’s basement, sweety. whatever you need to feel better!” the kind of gloating natosha is doing right now is on that same vibe and i am agog.

greg is tickled pink by this tomfoolery but i, a believer in fairness and respect, might actually be about to die for real. i hate when people just get to do what that want and screw you over right to your face. anyway natosha says that not only did waynenita’s father give her a key to the house, but she also moved a bunch of stuff in and was even receiving mail there. how did waynenita not know? HOW BIG IS THIS FUCKING HOUSE. natosha says that even after the dad went to jail she kept coming to the house to hang out and “wash up” and this is so bonkers, i hate it, i hate it so much, i hate when people get away with being assholes like this!

one of the times she came to waynenita’s house while she wasn’t home natosha did so through a fucking window (yes, it absolutely sounds like you legally resided there, yes!) and a neighbor called waynenita at work to alert her and she had the police come to escort natosha out. then waynenita says that as far as the in utero baby is concerned, that child might be related to her children but definitely isn’t related to her. how, do you ask? well it’s because natosha is also dating their other grandfather. i’m not one to hate on someone’s hustle but girl, COME THE FUCK ON. “she likes old men!” waynenita shouts and yeah, i fucking do too, but this is so grimy! “she’s a grifter, she sleeps wherever she can so she can get old men’s social security checks!” please, my blood pressure!!!!!!!!!!

waynenita says that on may 14 she got calls from multiple people telling her that her house was on fire and that it had burned down. she called her fiancé, a handsome and stoic gentleman accompanying her to court today, and told him they had to go check out the house. when they arrived on the scene there was “no longer a house.” the roof was on the ground, everything had burned down, it looked like the house had exploded. she hands greg some photos of a printed out news article and the headline reads “house explodes on cleveland’s east side” and the picture that accompanies it is devastating. just a pile of fucking rubble, piles and piles of ash and debris. the audience is yelling “damn!” and “that’s so terrible!”and greg is fucking pissed.

apparently natosha went into the house through a window (again with the goddamn window) and tampered with the pilot light on the stove, filling the house with gas before lighting a cigarette and throwing it in, according to the fire department’s report. the explosion was so forceful that it shattered all of the windows in the surrounding houses. oh my god??? waynenita says she didn’t have homeowners insurance yet because she’d just purchased the house with cash from a land bank (not googling that) and that’s why they’re in court. i just, wow.

the ruling: natosha admits that she climbed through the window (because she “lost her key”) and says she turned one eye on the stove on because it was cold in the house. she says she cleaned up, made herself a sandwich, and went outside to smoke a cigarette. then she woke up in the hospital. she says she has no idea why it blew up and she’s sorry for the loss but she’s not responsible. natosha then says she’s lucky that she walked away with just a few burns! I’LL SAY.

natasha’s counterclaim (holy shit, i forgot that part!) is because she says waynenita went around telling people she blew up her house and greg is like “well you did” so her case is dismissed. a counterclaim!!! more nerve than a toothache, man, sheesh. because natosha entered waynenita’s house illegally, by her own admission, and caused the house to blow up with her negligence, waynenita’s case is granted. this is sad, even greg is fucked up about it. “i’m so sorry, ma’am. it hurts me to hear this.” ugh me, too!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: (to waynenita) “ma’am, hey! i don’t let people come in here and disrespect their parents! better watch your mouth, the one thing you can’t do is don’t disrespect your mama in front of me!” (nodding to natosha) “go head, mama.”

*bangs gavel*

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