who was on judge mathis yesterday? #225
an idiotic recap of the greatest syndicated courtroom show of all time
plaintiff: tiarra from cleveland, ohio. ooh, i love a business casual courtroom vibe. (please know that i do not actually know what the words “business casual” mean.) tiarra is wearing a cute beige notch-collar blazer over a striped t-shirt and skirt, and can i just say of all the items of clothing i don’t wear because they look weird on me blazers are the only thing i wish i could pull off. you just instantly look like a more serious person with a blazer on!! every time i suffer some low stakes indignity i wonder to myself, “would this have gone differently for me if i’d been wearing a blazer?” and i’ll never have proof but i know the answer is yes. tiarra looks very young to me but it could be that i’ve just reached the age where everyone else just looks like a fucking toddler.
defendant: brandi from willoughby falls, ohio. okay wait, i was right, these are my daughters. they should just come on home and let me sort this out rather than fussing at each other on TV! young brandi is wearing a royal blue blouse with a mandarin collar but the star of her show is the sleekest, shiniest, most gorgeous and opaque black-iest clip-on bang i have ever seen in my life. it is astonishingly beautiful. i want to write a SONNET for this bang!!!
the complaint: tiarra says she met brandi in 7th grade (is she……………….in 8th grade now, or???) and they became roommates later in life and now she’s suing her for unpaid rent.
what does she want: $3082
how it went down: tiarra starts off the only way you should on this show: complimenting judge mathis by telling him what a huge fan you are and telling him that your mom says hi. IT’S FOOLPROOF. he melts immediately and is like “tell tawanna i said hello.” tiarra says that she and brandi met in the seventh grade but weren’t super close, then a couple summers ago they wanted to “get more acquainted.” tiarra says they started hanging out after high school and got super close and when they decided their moms were “getting on our nerves” they pooled their resources and got an apartment together.
that is exactly how things should go and is further proof that these might actually be my spiritual children. you’re a legal adult and don’t like listening to my incessant bitching? GREAT go on ahead and get the fuck out! i’ll even help you pack!!!!! tiarra says they signed a lease and things immediately started to go downhill. she says from day one brandi had men in and out of their apartment, strange men she didn’t know, and there were so many that she’d be afraid to come out of her room and go to the bathroom. i’m resisting the urge to do an extended comedy bit just because i heard the word “bathroom” but i will say that nothing is worse than someone wrecking the vibe of your butt sanctuary by filling your house with a rotating selection of weird dudes.
tiarra says that in addition to the merry go round of men there would often be groups of women coming to their door looking for brandi to fight her over their boyfriends. (girls, this is pointless!!) my first question is: what kind of bullshit apartment building is this? maybe i’m confused because bitch i am from chicago but what are these apartments where you can just walk up and knock on someone’s door? every apartment building i’ve ever seen/lived in had at the very least that perfunctory downstairs door that you had to get buzzed into! what is this “strangers knocking on my actual door to fight my roommate” bullshit??? tiarra says she was like “brandi’s not here, can i relay a message?” and that is awfully polite considering she was talking to a bunch of girls who were coming to beat her roommate up. i’d be afraid that they were gonna be like HERE’S THE MESSAGE and knock my goddamn block off.
greg says “when you told her about the ladies what did she say?” and tiarra says that brandi’s response was to get belligerent with her. hahaha couldn’t be me, because i’d be like “oh yeah? well they left you a message” and then smash a bottle over her head. i was in a (shitty, horrible) bar once and this old asshole wouldn’t leave my friend alone and she whispered to me “let’s fight him” and i shrieked “WITH WHAT????” while looking down at my soft, doughy sensitive artist hands in a sweaty panic. she jumped on him and punching him (it looked like a toddler climbing on a dinosaur) and she looked at me like ARE YOU GONNA HELP and what tf was my weak, uncoordinated ass gonna do, joke him to death????? so i tried to be cool and smash my beer bottle on the bar but let me ask y’all something: have you ever tried that? i almost broke my fucking wrist!!! the bottle didn’t even crack, let alone shatter in a cool way!!!!!!!! anyway, i kicked dude’s chair legs out from under him and ran outside like a coward, do not ever ask me to help you fight because you will lose.
brandi says “your honor, she is lying. there were only two guys over there. one was helping me move and the other just hung out and chilled with us.” she says she has no idea to what other men tiarra is referring and that, as a matter of fact, tiarra hung out with her and this strange man. brandi’s neck is on a swivel, just rolling in smooth circles like she’s got an invisible hula hoop around it, and the bang? that bitch is not moving!!!!!!!! brandi says that in court today is the first time she’s heard that tiarra was upset about bringing dudes over. greg checks brandi on her attitude and asks what she knows about the girls trying to jump her. (“i can see why, if you talked to them the way you talk to me.”) brandi says she simply doesn’t believe that girls came to look for her.
tiarra says she and brandi moved into their apartment in november and by january they started having problems. tiarra says that brandi moved out because she “started seeing spirits in the home.” MAN WHAT. she continues, saying that brandi “would see ghosts on the walls and have dreams about witches fighting her and also saw demonic imagery everywhere.” okay, on the one hand i understand that i am but a poppy seed in a giant universe and have no idea what exists and what doesn’t; but on the other??? it’s awfully convenient that satan himself would choose to haunt brandi of all people at the exact moment she’s fighting with her roommate. wouldn’t his time be better served popping up at the foot of some senator’s bed and getting poor people homes and healthcare?????
greg, who clearly hates brandi, turns to her and says “DID YOU LEAVE THE APARTMENT BECAUSE OF THE GHOST” (boo!) and tiarra starts talking over her but i’m pretty sure i just heard brandi say “no, i left because i was pregnant and there was too much going on.” i’m sorry tiarra i love you but you should just cut your losses because do you hear what i’m hearing??? if brandi hadn’t bounced you would be living with a BABY right now!!!!!!! i’d rather have a hundred men in and out of my bathroom than a single caterwauling infant!!!!!!!!!! how can tiarra not see the (screaming, shitting, crying, never-sleeping) bullet she dodged!
brandi’s bang says she also moved out because tiarra essentially moved her boyfriend in from the jump, and she was constantly subjected to their fighting and loud sex. (a bigger nightmare than a newborn tbh!) brandi says there was just TOO MUCH DRAMA in that house, and oh when it comes to the spirits? tiarra believed they were being haunted, too! ahh yes, the ghosts of boyfriends and bullies past!
the ruling: tiarra has a printed out text conversation™ in which brandi says “i’m not paying rent in a house occupied by spirits and shit” and i’m sorry but that is a hilarious statement to have a judge read aloud in court. tiarra has papers in her accordion of truth™ that show that brandi paid november-january but paid nothing after having moved out january 20. i once had this roommate i didn’t know very well who was out of her rabbit ass mind and unexpectedly moved out in the middle of the day (without saying a word) and placed in ad in the reader with my phone number in it without telling me and i got a million calls from psychos who would just heavy breathe into our answering machine (this was in the olden days, sorry) until the tape ran out. that’s how i learned the hard way that if someone you signed a lease with fucks you over your best course of action is to try to find someone to split the rest with as fast as you can because calling her parents will only get you two months’ sympathy rent at most.
but that doesn’t fucking matter here, because tiarra produces the one incontrovertible piece of evidence you can bring into greg mathis’s courtroom: a judgment ruled on by a judge in not-on-television court. well, it’s been fun, brandi’s bang! greg says “i don’t even need to talk to her anymore or listen to her contemptuous testimony, or look at her head rolling and her eyes rolling. i’m gonna tell her to pay that $3082 and throw her [exquisitely glossy bang] out!” judgment for the plaintiff, but also kinda for brandi since she’d already had one entered against her.
by the way here’s that poem i promised you:
well if lady luck gets on my side we’re gonna rock this town alive
i’ll let her rough me up ‘til she knocks me out
cause she walks like she talks and she talks like she walks
she bangs, she bangs!!! oh baby when she moves, she moves!!!
i go crazy ‘cause she looks like a flower but she stings like a bee
like every girl in history!!!!!!!!!!!!!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “let me tell you something, you need to stop all that neck wringing and turning from ear to ear. is something wrong with you? do you need some medical attention???”
*bangs gavel*