plaintiff: michelle from college park, georgia. listen here: i wish i had even an ounce of the confidence, the magnificence, the absolute royalty that michelle possesses as she glides into the courtroom. she is wearing black pants, a silky black dress shirt with a fucking rhinestone bowtie (!!!!!!!!!!), a goddamn black teddy fur vest (?!?!?!?!?!), a glittery lip piercing and gigantic silver earrings, dark purple lipstick, black hipster glasses, and the shiniest black wig i have ever seen in my life. and her deep hershey chocolate skin is positively glistening. i have never seen such radiant beauty and luxury!
defendant: shonda from stone mountain, georgia. shonda is an old school stud, and has come to court wearing a turquoise dress shirt, a turquoise neck tie, grey slacks, and a cater-waiter’s stiff black fancy-ish vest. she looks as serious as a heart attack, which is what i come close to having every time i look at twitter or turn on the news. will someone who knows about computers tell me how to block every website that’s not kitten pictures or book recommendations from all of my devices until at least six months from now? there are not enough drugs in the world to get me through this!
the complaint: michelle met her ex-girlfriend at church and claims she didn’t know shonda was addicted to drugs, now she’s suing her for an assault and a collections bill. ALRIGHT LESBIAN DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!
what does she want: $3358 countersuit filed, hallelujah! shonda would like $2099 for the cost of a bedroom set.
how it went down: michelle says she met shonda at church and they became friends before eventually becoming partners. greg asks “how did it go?” and michelle says “well...i fell in love with an undercover crackhead.” first of all, greg is about to have a fucking field day. second? there’s no such thing as an undercover crackhead! either michelle willfully ignored crack-ish warning signs or she’s fucking exaggerating for the cameras. shonda, for her part, appears to be shocked. michelle explains that she found out a couple years into their relationship that shonda had a problem and she didn’t want to leave because she was in love with her.
michelle says that shonda was going to meetings but they didn’t seem to help, and that her behavior was erratic. the judge asks what type of behavior shonda was exhibiting and michelle says that she’s generally quiet and sticks to her business but she loses her shit when she’s drinking. wait a minute, i thought we were here because of crack?? you can’t be calling people “crackheads” just because they like to get drunk and yell every once in a while! i mean, who among us???????
michelle says she broke up with shonda and put her out her house because she was gone on a bender for a few days without checking in and michelle doesn’t play that. now that? that sounds like crack. greg asks if they stayed in church once they got together and michelle says she did, and she even became a praise dance instructor! my nieces used to do praise dance, and i used to sit there (in the last pew at the back of the church) looking around like, “wait a minute, are y’all just pretending to like this or what??” the entire time they’d be pantomiming worship songs in the pulpit (this is not them, but you’ll get the idea if you don’t have one already) while the congregation shouted and fell out. long story long: i would kill to see michelle pantomiming for the lord.
shonda says she was an usher at the church when they met, and can i interrupt for a second to say 1 what church is this? and 2 can i visit?? mortifying praise dancing and gay ushers?????? praise be to the most high god! i grew up in a stuffy old ame church that had no dancing no drums no homosexuality (unless you count the exuberant yet closeted choir director), so this one sounds like a dream come true. shonda says she saw michelle krumping for khrist (lmao i’m so sorry) and was drawn to her, and that they started doing bible study and that eventually led to romance. shonda alleges that michelle is the one who misled her, telling shonda that she was 31 when she was, in fact, 43. i thought michelle was in her late 20s, which just proves that when you’re talking to black people make sure you check our birth certificates. i’m actually 79!
shonda also says she didn’t find out michelle’s real name until they’d been dating for a while, and is she in witness protection or what?? greg is absolutely tickled by all this. a con artist and a crackhead???? christmas has come early for judge mathis! shonda says michelle didn’t like her friends and was trying to control who she hung out with and where she went. shonda says that while they were together she went to school to become both a phlebotomist and an EKG tech, and could she do all that shit if she was a fucking crackhead??? “you know what else crackheads don’t do?” she asks. “buy their ladyfriends lavish things like dooney & burke and michael kors.” now one could argue that a crackhead could boost those items as quickly as you or i could go to macy’s and purchase them, but that is beside the point! anyway, shonda couldn’t possibly be a CNA and smoke rocks, the defense rests!
michelle says shonda wanted a car but needed a cosigner, and she did it. shonda was keeping up the payments, and everything was cool. after michelle moved away she says her sister called to tell her that shonda no longer had that car, she’d seen her driving around in a new white car and she (the sister) thought shonda had totaled the other car. michelle called shonda to confront her and she admitted to tearing up the car she cosigned. shonda was supposed to keep up the payments until the gap insurance kicked in (not looking that up, sorry!) but she was sporadic about it and so it ended up going to collections and fucking up michelle’s credit. shaking! my! damn! head!
the ruling: michelle says that when she broke things off with shonda after the car debacle she responded by backhanding her. shonda says she didn’t “hit her” she “pushed her” and everyone who’s ever had a sibling push them down a flight of stairs only to claim “i just tapped her!” when mom shows up knows what time it is. she definitely smacked her. michelle gives the judge all the paperwork from the collection agency which is indisputable, and this is a good time to remind the naive among you to never do anything nice for anyone ever if doing so requires your social security number. shonda’s counterclaim is for a bedroom set she bought that michelle took with her when she moved to georgia, but it’s clear (according to the googly eyes she’s been making across the aisle throughout the case) that she only wants the bed back if michelle comes with it. judgment for the plaintiff, and the defendant’s claim is dismissed. glory be to god! *twirls*
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “don’t nobody want to hear about drinking! what about the crack???????”
*bangs gavel*