who's on judge mathis today #1

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: kathy from wapakoneta, ohio. kathy’s wearing a deep wine fit n’ flare dress with a cropped jacket and booties, and she has on cool, thick-rimmed glasses which obviously makes me want to rule in her favor regardless of the facts of the case.

defendant: christopher from lima, ohio. christopher is wearing a dressy vest without a jacket, an actual crime.

the complaint: soon after they started dating kathy realized christopher was using her, a situation to which i can definitely relate. she’s suing him for a phone and insurance. christopher counters that kathy was violent, and once stabbed a bitch with a fork.

what she wants: $338, a fucking bargain.

how it went down: christopher and kathy’s father were doing karaoke together at the shamrock, a local bar, (sidebar: what the fuck is it with serious karaoke people?!) and christopher like her so much from his description of her that he badgered her dad into giving him her “facebook account,” which is a sentence your grandmother just helped me write. he asked her out over DM, and their first date was at subway. honestly, i’d fuck a dude for a tuna on italian herbs and cheese, so i get it. then he moved in almost immediately afterward, which i’m guessing means that footlong was ~extremely tasty~ lmao please murder me.
she bought him a computer and then put him on her lease. christopher has brought a background check on kathy to court, and a thing i don’t think we talk about enough is how devastating it is in these modern times for a person to pull out a fucking sheaf of papers out of their expanding file folder to expose some wrongdoing. like if you see a bitch walk into a room with a brown accordion folder full of shit she had to get printed out at the ups store you know it’s going down! kathy’s rap sheet:
-the aforementioned fork stabbing
-“numerous domestic violences against her ex-husband”
-an assault against a neighbor in florida
-orders of protection
-she also dated his best friend after they broke up, which is not against the law i’m sorry, and left the gas on in his house hoping he would light a cigarette

kathy brought her own dossier straight from the local kinko’s, and she had 20+ printed out pages detailing christopher’s crimes. you know, i once thought i was going to jail because i ran through an electronic toll in a rental car, why the fuck do i even care when people have briefcases full of assaults they’ve committed? i’m a model goddamn citizen. anyway, christopher also once threw a sandwich at kathy in the heat of an argument which is an irresponsible waste of cold cuts.

christopher got a phone on kathy’s plan (a surefire way to end up on a court tv show) and he agreed to pay her for it until she decided to shut the phone off to spite him. kathy isn’t suing him for the bill, even though she fucking should be, she’s just suing him for the cost of the physical phone. christopher says he shouldn’t have to pay for the phone, because the phone no longer has service. are we in the fucking twilight zone? phones cost money, chris, whether you can text your friends on them or not.

the ruling: the judge yelled at christopher for agreeing to pay for a phone and neither giving kathy the money nor giving her the phone back, and that made me wonder how many people just have useless blocks of plastic sitting around that they are just hanging onto to pick a fight with their exes. also this is precisely what prepaid grocery store cell phones are for, to protect you from signing a binding contract with a stranger your dad used to sing old rush songs with down at the bar!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: no but he did get stylish new glasses, of which i wholeheartedly approve.

*bangs gavel*