who's on judge mathis today? #102

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: latonya from mishawaka, indiana. latonya is cute in a floral-printed burgundy jumpsuit with a black blazer over it, but i am ~extremely stressed~ at the thought of flop sweating through a court proceeding in a polyester onesie and then running to the bathroom trying to get out of it so i can have nervous diarrhea after i win (or, let’s be honest about who i am, i lose) my case! the confidence!!

defendant: david from south bend, indiana. david is either 56 or 92, it’s hard to tell, and comes barreling into the courtroom with his silver cane sporting a royal blue dress shirt, a criss-crossed stripey blue tie, and black slacks. david’s hair is neat and tidy, just like your granddad’s, and he has a mostly-salty salt-and-pepper goatee and large brown square tinted-lens glasses that he probably purchased in 1968. his accordion of truth™ looks new, though.

the complaint: latonya is suing her ex-boyfriend (wait) for two TVs and emotional distress after she caught him cheating on her with her 20-year-old daughter. EXCUSE ME??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

what does she want: $2900. fine, i guess, but can she not also sue for his withered, castrated testicles? what in the world. i don’t know if my misandry will allow me to watch this! you mean to tell me this dry piece of beef jerky not only cheated on this gorgeous jumpsuited angel but he did so with her actual child??? what grade are you in at twenty, 11th? girl i’m just playing but it’s basically the same fucking thing, especially when you picture this cryptkeeper-looking dude grinding around on top of a young women who still has all of her cartilage and teeth! do you think that maybe it was just, like, a vampiric bloodletting kind of thing? that maybe he didn’t bone her, he just drank a bunch of her plasma to stay alive? do you think he was just cozying up to her to get a kidney??? i am about to literally pass away.


okay, fine. latonya showed admirable restraint by not just, you know, murdering david in cold blood in the middle of the courtroom and kicks it off by telling greg that she is 37, her ex david is 52 (wow!), and that david slept with her 20-year-old daughter. greg makes a shocked noise and asks how latonya came to find that out and she says she discovered texts in david’s phone in which the two of them said proclaimed their love for one another and planned to be together. eww. greg then asks how long latonya suspected their relationship had been going on and she says “two years.” i am going to throw this goddamn laptop across the room. listen, i would literally risk it all for a sexy old man who knows how to cook and looks good in a cableknit sweater (feel free to introduce me to your dad) but i’m 40!!!!!!!!! and i don’t wanna rob a technically-adult 18-year-old of her agency or repress her sexuality because seriously do whatever you want who cares, BUT: does it have to be with your mom’s decrepit boyfriend??? gross!

don’t get it twisted, though: the onus is not on the kid. the relationship agreement was between latonya and david, and where he sticks his wobbly old kibbles and bits is on him. latonya says she and david had been together for five years at the time he cheated on her and she doesn’t want to bash him (why the fuck not?) but she’s still in disbelief over what he did. girl me too, and i’ve never met him! latonya says that david and her daughter got her fired by telling her boss that she had warrants out for her arrest, prompting her boss to call the police with her whereabouts and ultimately leading to her incarceration. the judge asks why they would snitch on her and latonya says because they hoped she’d end up in prison for five years so they could be together without her interference. my face is c r a c k e d. oh my god. remember my idea for murder court??? somebody get nbc on the phone!

i am fucking distraught but let’s keep this going. latonya only ended up doing two and a half months in prison (i’m not sure what for but honestly who gives a shit) and she says that while she was locked up david threw all of her belongings out except for a couple of photo albums. i am inconsolable! greg is speechless! it’s david’s turn and honestly so what, who cares, here’s the gist: latonya and her daughter got into an argument and latonya left the house for a few days to cool off; while she was gone, david began a sexual relationship with her daughter that continued for two years. that’s some real grimy, dirtbaggedy shit and i don’t like it.

david begins this whole song and dance about how when latonya was in jail he paid for a special service that allowed them to video chat (gee, thanks) and he put money on her books (wow, how sweet) but motherfucker that’s the literal least you could do when you called the cops on her and started banging her kid????? am i in the twilight zone????????? i hate this so much!

latonya says that when they were together she bought two large televisions in addition to the smaller ones david already had, and that makes me like her even more. if i could have a TV on every flat surface in my home i would! this is my kind of lady! she says that when she got out of jail they were gone. greg asks david what’s up with the TVs and he says that the owner of the house told him he had three weeks to move so he sold everything, including latonya’s stuff, because he needed money. then he makes an allusion to having taken care of latonya for the years they were together so he shouldn’t owe her for the property he sold? lmao firing squad!

the ruling: YOU ALREADY KNOW WHO WON THIS CASE. greg was revolted by this asshole from jumpstreet. david does apologize, though, and he almost seems sincere until he says “...and i do want you back.” I’M SORRY?????????? the entire courtroom vomits in unison when he says that shit, latonya bursts into flames, and the screen goes dark as a cleanup crew rushes the set to mop up all the chunks and put out the fire. at least i think that’s what happens. maybe i blacked out from rage!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: (sarcastic as hell) “for all the things you’ve done for her, and her daughter, we need to give you a hand, don’t we?”

*bangs gavel*

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