plaintiff: anna from greenfield, wisconsin. anna looks adorable in a kinda periwinkle v-neck short-sleeved sweater tunic (i do not understand the practicality of this garment but whatever) and black leggings with dangly silver earrings. her nails and hair are the same plummy red and coordinate with her accordion of truth™ quite nicely.
defendant: chad from greenfield, wisconsin. you know i enjoy a man who shops at the big and tall store, and when big teddy bear chad comes lumbering in wearing a chocolate brown v-neck cozy sweater (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) over a black button down with his buzzcut twinkling under the courtroom lights??? i’m swooning. he does not have an accordion of truth™ packed full of exonerating printouts with him though, so our fledgling romance is doomed from the start.
the complaint: anna met her married ex-boyfriend (yikes!) online and is suing him for an unpaid loan and interest.
what does she want: $4130, which is either a whole lotta loan or a whole lotta interest, damn!
how it went down: anna says she met chad on an online dating site (they never say which one and i am always dyyyyyying to know) and they hit it off immediately, then three months in dude sprung it on her that he was married. damn, isn’t that how it always goes? you meet your prince charming on plenty of fish dot com and you’re living your romantic fantasy and then he pulls the rug out from under you??? a crime! chad starts to contest. but greg interrupts to ask anna if chad ever spent the night at her house. at first i was like “huh? what does that matter?” but duh i’ve obviously been gulping down dumb bitch juice because obviously if a dude hops out of bed at 10:59 like “welp, i gotta go sleep in my own bed!” it’s clear someone is sitting up at his house waiting for him to turn down the blankets??? greg says, “ma’am, y’all weren’t having a relationship, y’all were having a booty call!” and i suppose that’s that on that.
chad says that he did meet anna on a dating site but he told her he was married (and separated from his wife) on the third date, not several months into the relationship. anna interjects that chad said “separated but living together” and, sir? that is just called married!!!!! oh, you see each other every day and you sleep in the same bed but you don’t talk much and you label your food in the refrigerator so she doesn’t eat it? i guess my ass is separated, too. chad says that despite all that things continued to get hot and heavy but started to go downhill when he couldn’t give her the attention she required, especially in the bedroom. lmao that explains the separation!
chad says he had to take care of his son and he owns a business and he couldn’t come over every night like anna wanted. “is she a sex fiend?” greg asks, feigning innocence. “yessir!” says chad. anna chuckles and says, “okay! if he thinks so!” listen even though i personally am sex negative i support her right to get banged as much as she wants. chad says she would text him all day long in code trying to get him to come over and have sex with her. this tickles greg, of course, who crows “that’s just like a crackhead texting a drug dealer that he needs a white t-shirt and some collard greens!” (“that’s coke and weed,” he says to doyle, who is nodding like he didn’t already know that shit. mm hmmmm.)
chad says that when he couldn’t fulfill anna’s needs she sent him a “dear john” text and was back with her ex-boyfriend two days later, but he also says he decided to reconcile with his live-in wife and that’s how they ended up in court, because anna’s mad about that? which is it, dude? is she a nympho who dumped you for her break-in-case-of-emergency dick in a glass case or is she a woman scorned who is only suing you because y’all aren’t together anymore??? men always do this dumb shit, where they can’t decide which hysterical female lie to pin on a woman so they end up just unloading all of the fucking stereotypes at once which just makes everything seem untrue? pick a storyline, chad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anna took out a high interest loan for chad (omg girl, no!) because she didn’t have the money but he was desperate for it and said he couldn’t get a loan himself because despite the fact that he had the money in the bank both his business and personal accounts were frozen. so anna took out a loan and chad promised to pay her back, which she said was important because she’s a single mom of two who can’t afford to be paying money back she doesn’t have! $2500 ain’t no joke! have you ever fed a kid?????? they’ll bankrupt you!!
chad says he thought the money was coming out of anna’s savings account and had he known it was a high interest loan he could’ve done that himself and, uhhhh, why didn’t you then? i can kind of understand how a dude who is slinging some dack thinks he can dickmatize someone into defaulting on a loan for him but chad, you already told the world that you couldn’t satisfy her in bed, you expect us to believe you thought she was just gonna let you and your wife spend that payday loan money up while she just cried into her generic cornflakes????? come on!
anna has an overwhelming number of printed out text sheets™ in addition to all of the loan paperwork in her accordion of truth™, and greg thumbs through all of it looking back at chad like “you idiot.” chad’s defense is that when anna offered him the loan she said it was a gift. but uh oh, bud: greg wants to know why you paid her $100 dollars back! anna has text proof that he gave her money! chad says he did it because “she threw a pity party for herself talking about how she had two kids blah blah blah” and a dude who can’t fuck doesn’t have the right to condescend to a woman he had to borrow money from, i’m sorry!
the ruling: greg and chad go back and forth about this hundred bucks because the judge, rightfully, says “if you thought it was a gift, why did you pay her back?” and chad says he gave her the money because he “felt sorry for her,” and greg is like “well she needs $2400 more dollars, feel sorry for her again!” greg reads aloud a text message in which chad vows to pay back this ~gift~ $100 at a time, so this case is almost closed. greg grants anna 10% interest because she never disclosed to chad the rate on the loan, so even though she wins she’s still fucked. although i don’t think it’s the same kind she’s a fiend for.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “ma’am, are you a sex fiend? you sound like a crackhead that don’t wanna admit they smoke crack! you talked in code about your thang, huh? you addicted!”
hi here’s a nice thing: if you wanna hang and have a virtual happy hour on the internet with me and my soulmate and friend fawzia mirza tomorrow evening you can do so here, it’s free and it’s fun and i’m almost done doing all these goddamn virtual events so get it while you can before i crawl back under the rotting bridge where i live, tormenting little goats. XOXOXO