who's on judge mathis today? #104

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: megan from bel air, maryland. god, remember when the fresh prince of bel air was appointment television every week? damn, i fucking loved that show! megan is wearing a taupe dress and black cardigan and her long black hair is swept to the side and she looks kind of nervous and shy? or squirrely and deceptive? it’s hard to tell. anyway, she’s holding her accordion of truth™ in front of her like a shield and it’s making me sad!

defendant: kimberly from bel air, maryland. work, kimberly! your girl comes strutting confidently into the courtroom like a peacock: her blonde hair pile on top of her head in a messy topknot, her pinstriped black skirtsuit cinched at the waist, her accordion of truth™ locked and loaded. is this the fresh queen of bel air????????? probably!

the complaint: megan claims her fiancé’s mother dislikes her and filed a bogus restraining order against her and she’s suing for unreturned property.

what does she want: $240????? absolutely not, miss mamas. we will not be in this here courtroom on today suing people for money we could find in an old jacket pocket!! on the other hand, i looooooove these small stakes cases because you know the beef is deep. dragging somebody halfway across the country over two hundred bucks??? YOU HATE THAT BITCH. countersuit filed, oh boy here we go: kimberly would like $1000 for harassment! does “harassment” = “making me get on a plane over $240” because if it does i feel that.

how it went down: megan knows kimberly because she’s her fiancé’s mother. megan met johnny, the son, when they were fourteen but says they just started dating again in 2018. by the look in her eyes there are clearly some drugs at play here, so i can’t tell by looking if she was 14 four years ago or forty years ago. charge it to the game, i guess. megan says when she and johnny first reconnected she would hang out with him at his mom’s house and bring her kids over to play with his and kimberly was cool with that, but as things got more serious between them she “flipped out” about their relationship. greg asks why megan thinks that is and she says she had no idea. nah, you know why just say it! greg asks if megan ever asked her fiancé why and she says she did, and that he said it was typical behavior, that his mom always hated his girlfriends. girl, you can’t make things work with a mama’s boy! she shoulda bounced right then.

megan then starts telling this story that’s supposed to, i don’t know...make us think kimberly’s an asshole? basically she says that one christmas she and johnny had to exchange gifts in her car in a parking lot because kimberly wouldn’t allow her in her home, but then she adds that kimberly and johnny and johnny’s children all live together in kimberly’s trailer and i’m sorry babe but maybe there just wasn’t any room???????? imagine being mad that someone doesn’t want you and your entire family clogging up their ten available inches of living space! get mad at dude and hope that’s enough to motivate him to move the fuck out!!! what kind of twilight zone shit is this?

megan continues, saying that the next day kimberly filed a restraining order against her but she doesn’t know what for. i’m sorry, what? you expect people to believe she got a restraining order because you wanted to put a lump of coal in her fucking stocking?? no, ma’am. something is missing from this stupid story, and i’m willing to bet my life that that something begins with H and ends with EROIN.

okay now kimberly is about to clear all this shit up. john is her youngest child; kimberly lost her oldest to heroin and john is on that shit, too. (i’m sorry, in this instance, to be right.) she has custody of all four of john’s children, ages 2, 6, 7, and 8 (goddamn, no wonder she didn’t want homegirl in her crib!) because john has been in prison multiple times. kimberly says the reason she didn’t want her son to get involved with megan is because he had just gotten clean in prison for the third time and she really thought she saw a light at the end of the tunnel for him and her grandchildren, but megan is on heroin too and she knew that if he got with her he’d get hooked back on that shit. remember when megan was like *shrug* idk why she didn’t like me!! *shrug* a few minutes ago??? WILD.

megan says she doesn’t do heroin and kimberly says she’s watched her do it and has also seen needles and shit in her car. greg asks megan if she has needles in her car and she says “not in my car” and girl pack it up and see if you can find $240 in the back of a cab on the way to the airport because whatever is gonna happen next is absolutely not gonna be good for you. kimberly says that the reason she forbade megan from coming back to her house is because one day she took the two-year-old to the store and when she came back megan and john were in her house having sex in her bed and had locked the rest of the children outside. hello???????????? i am agog! i wait for megan to defend herself, to deny it, but she just says “they were out there playing with my kids” and i’m so sorry ma’am, BUT: electric chair.

let’s get to this property before i scream to death. megan says she bought an xbox “for johnny and all the kids to play together” and she gave it to him to keep at kimberly’s house. where the fuck does she live and do they not have electricity there??? why would you invest in an item that would be kept in a place that the police have ordered you not to enter??????? kimberly obviously wouldn’t let megan come over to play with the xbox so it was basically johnny’s. except, kimberly had already purchased an xbox for her grandchildren, so when john came home with a second one he told her that he had purchased it so there could be one in the bedroom and one in the living room. you following all this? yeah, me neither!

greg can’t keep track of it, either. “so you got an xbox, he got an xbox, and she’s suing for a third xbox?” he asks, and megan corrects him to say that no johnny was lying to his mother about the one she purchased and “let him borrow.” john set it up and the kids loved playing on it and everything was fine but then john went back to jail and now kimberly has a full-time job and two xboxes and four young children she didn’t give birth to and i am exhausted just reading this. she’s a saint, my goodness.

the ruling: greg says to megan that since she gave the xbox to john then she has to get it back from john since he took possession of it and put it in a house she’s legally not allowed to go into. this isn’t funny but it’s also extremely funny, like a trick you’d play on your kid sister or something? “you can’t touch my toys, they’re on this side of the invisible line i drew down the middle of our room!” i know it wasn’t his intention, but imagine if he slowly starting taking her things and just putting them in his mom’s house and every time megan is like “i need my vacuum!” the response is “AHT AHT, you can’t get it, i have a restraining order!” so tough shit for her.

kimberly has printed out texts sheets™ from megan, in which she threatens her, that also violate the peace order. kimberly also says that megan was texting her grandchildren (a third grader has a cell phone???? shit, i can barely keep mine on) which is a violation as well. megan interjects to say that she never violated the peace order but then greg, who is positively sick of this clown shit, says “why was a restraining order granted against you in the first place?” gotcha, bitch! he says a judge has to believe that you are a threat to sign a protective order against you so, clearly, megan was one. judgment for the defendant, who should also get a medal for patience and kindness.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “ma’am, you expect me to believe that? they’re dope fiends not sex fiends!”

hey babes, wanna have happy hour with me later? (today! may 28! 5pm central/6 eastern!) click here see u soon!

*bangs gavel*