who's on judge mathis today? #106

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: rasheedah from philadelphia, pennsylvania. rasheedah looks good and pissed and i am 100% HERE FOR IT. i love a woman scowling her way into the courtroom. rasheedah’s dark hair looks pulled back? but then she has a giant cascading waterfall of blonde bangs and these enormous teardrop-shaped earrings and is dressed like the grim reaper and is clutching her accordion of truth™ like she just gave birth to it and do i worship at her altar? absolutely! i am weeping at her feet!!

defendant: pierre from philadephia, pennsylvania. you know how i feel about an inside vest.

the complaint: rasheedah is suing her younger ex for car damage and harassment.

what does she want: $2000. countersuit to test my nerves: pierre would like $2000 for assault and slander, which i think is a first for me??? how is this show still keeping it spicy after all these years!

how it went down: rasheedah gets this party started by saying that she and pierre have known each other for six years but have only been “dealing with each other” for the last seven months. there is no greater or more hilarious signifier of black love than the extremely vague “dealing with each other” designation, which could mean anything from “we kissed once” to “i’ve been married to him for thirty years.” also, is any relationship much more than “dealing with another person’s shit?” every single day i do something that shaves an hour or two off my lady’s life, so yeah: she’s dealing with me.

rasheedah also says that pierre is ten years younger than she is, and wow no thank you to that! what does one do with a young man, buy his cereal and charge his switch? i’d rather die! rasheedah says pierre is immature and throws tantrums when he can’t have his way and lmao that tracks. in may her neighbor called her to say that pierre was having an affair with another woman, and rasheedah took her daughter over to his mother’s house to confront pierre where they were met with CHICKEN GREASE TO THE FACE. excuse me???? what in the al green is going on here?????????? rasheedah pulls out a crinkly bag to hand to the judge and every single person in the courtroom is like “HUH?” and it turns out she brought the jacket she was wearing during the grease attack??? i’m sorry this is so funny, babe what are you proving?! greg is supposed to...take a whiff of the old grease jacket? is he a fucking bloodhound?? follow up question: even if he were, could his nose detect the date/time/place of the alleged greasing? greg says, under his breath, “they gon’ have to give me some more money for this” and good lord i love this stupid ass show!

pierre says that rasheedah has been correct so far: yes they have been dating for seven months, and yes she is ten years older than he is. he said that everything was cool at first but then rasheedah’s insecurities about younger women started to interfere with their relationship. okay maybe this is true but also maybe this is an easy cop out for a philandering person to make??? “nah, i’m not cheating on you with the girl in physics class you’re just jealous because you’re old!” like she definitely could be 1 old and 2 jealous but that doesn’t mean he isn’t sneaking around!

rasheedah says she leased a nissan altima and has pictures of damage to both the car and her body from when pierre was swinging a chair at it. greg is like “hold up hold up, give me some backstory!” and the greatest of his many gifts, in my humble opinion, is his ability to help a person who might not be a natural storyteller weave a narrative out of the disparate fragments of their story. rasheedah backs up the truck: one july morning pierre told rasheedah that he couldn’t help pay any of the bills at her house despite the fact that he was staying there with her and her disabled grandmother. greg interrupts to say she clearly didn’t know the terms of dating a younger man, that he has to get his: tennis shoes, jerseys, video games, and all that other childish shit.

so pierre said he didn’t get paid and rasheedah responded “no money, no entry into my home, go stay with your mama.” (the audience starts clapping. *play “ain’t nothing going on but the rent” on the jukebox*) so then pierre lost his shit and started running up and down the block, screaming at her, and after that he picked up a chair and started busting out her car windows, which a neighbor just happened to catch on video. holy shit! before we get to the cameraphone evidence™ pierre tells his side; well, at least he tries to. every other word he tries to get out of his mouth rasheedah starts shouting at him and arguing with him, exasperating both me and greg who at one point is like, “damn, you don’t still live with her do you?” imagine what it’s like if they can’t agree on what to eat for dinner!

pierre says that on payday his direct deposit didn’t come through and rasheedah snapped out on him, told him to get his shit and get out and then she started yelling outside about him being broke and “liking boys.” she keeps saying “he likes boys!” over and over until greg angrily snaps “so what??????” and all i have to say about that is GAY RIGHTS!!!!!!!!! gregory ellis mathis, a motherfucking ally! happy pride!!

okay it’s video time, and we all watch a grainy (but still loud) rasheedah screaming down at pierre from her stoop. a lot of her words are getting bleeped out but she’s clearly upset, then pierre turns to walk away and she hurls a hard plastic chair at the unsuspecting back of his fucking head. in what world did she think this video was going to help her case????? pierre picks up the chair he was just assaulted with and briefly disappears out of frame, but you can hear crashing noises which i think we can rightfully assume is him fucking up her car. and that’s bad, BUT: if the chair could do that kind of damage to her car window, what do you think that shit might have done to his tender young head??

“YOU COULD HAVE GONE TO PRISON, MA’AM!” greg shrieks. rasheedah hands him pictures of the car damage and some bruises she sustained from getting hit with the chair as she ran up on pierre as he smashed up her ride, but she blasted him in the head with that chair and it looked hard as hell and we all collectively cringed during that video so greg ain’t having it. rasheedah says she has a restraining order on pierre and greg asks “do you have one on her since she physically assaulted you?” and uhhh rasheedah might want to put on her coat and start lacing up her accordion because this is not looking good for her.

the ruling: right after he fucked her car up pierre texted rasheedah “we’re even” and greg is like “you were! you assaulted him!” pierre has some printed out facebook posts™ in which rasheedah posted pictures of his actual penis with the caption “he sleeps with bisexual men” and that’s a feature not a bug, sweety! greg is appalled at this and grants her $2000 for her damaged car but also grants pierre’s $2000 for that chair to the head and subsequent slander so they, and we, go home with nothing!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you want me to smell the chicken grease? that’s what you’re handing it to me for, to smell the chicken grease???”

*bangs gavel*

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