plaintiff: tajuana from richmond, california. tajuana looks pissed the fuck off and is wearing a tight black dress with a dark denim jacket over it with her curls parted deep on one side and her fenty 470 glowing under the courtroom lights. her accordion of truth™, easily a fenty 430, is ready for battle.
defendant: william from oakland, california. william is casket sharp in a *whistling noise* crispy clean blue suit/blue shirt/blue tie combo, with a neat salt-and-pepper goatee and fresh haircut. he looks mad as hell, too! what the fuck is going on between these two????
the complaint: tajuana claims her former co-worker hit her in the face when she refused to give him a kiss and she’s suing him for medical bills and lost wages. oh, okay, i get it now. who cares about the evidence, judgment for her!
what does she want: $4500
how it went down: tajuana, who is really gorgeous by the way, says that she and william work together. “we do more than work together,” he interjects, and the crowd laughs. man, do they still work together? going back to the office after this is gonna be awkward as fuck! okay so tajuana says that william is like the class clown at work, always cracking jokes and making her laugh, and after working together for a while they started hanging out. she says they would talk after work and greg asks if they were dating and she says, super coyly, “no.” greg asks if they were intimate and again, with a lot of hesitation, tajuana admits that they had sex “a few times.” william, of course, pipes up (no pun intended!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) that they were sleeping together for over a year. i was wondering why tajuana was being so cagey and at first i thought “maybe she’s a private person” (lmao what’s that like???) but the more dude talks and the more angles at which they film him i wonder if it’s because he looks both considerably older and considerably shorter than she is? no hate, you know i like my meat seasoned, but getting tajuana to admit that she was grinding against his replacement hip is like pulling poligripped dentures and i’m just wondering why!!!
greg asks why they broke up and tajuana says something like “he withheld things you shouldn’t in an intimate relationship” (WHAT) and william clarifies for us, again, that he had commitment issues and was fucking a lot of women on the side. tajuana says she had no idea until other coworkers told her his nickname was “player will.” william says he’s been there for awhile and he “knows his way around the job” (i’ll say) and that tajuana was impressed by him (emphasis his). it’s so funny to hear two sides of the same story, like dude we just heard her say you liked to get them jokes off and clown for her and she liked to laugh, get outta here with this self-flattery!
after they broke up and decided to remain friends tajuana gave william a ride to an event they were both going to after work and long story short he dropped her off at the gate and went to park her car and they split up, agreeing to meet later so she could get her car keys and drive herself home. tajuana texted william when she was ready to bounce and he found her and said he needed “payment” for parking her car. ugh vomit ugh! he demanded a kiss for his services and she said no because lmao what services and then he got really upset and took off running with her car keys. tajuana and her friends chased him for a while (this man is fifty years old, can you imagine this foolery?????) and when they finally caught him tajuana grabbed her keys.
but since she hadn’t parked her car it took her a minute to find it, and when she finally did he was standing at the car, taunting her with the ticket she would need to get out of the lot, waving it in her face and snatching it away. this is fucking absurd. i know toddlers who don’t act this fucking childish! then william starts running circles around the car (are you shitting me) and tajuana chases him again (i would be beside myself) and catches him by his shirt collar and when she did that he hauled off and punched her in the fucking face. ELECTRIC CHAIR, NO APPEAL.
william admits to punching tajuana (greg, please, come down from the pulpit and pin this asshole so she can hit him back) but says the rest of the story is different than the way tajuana told it. is he out of his rabbit ass mind? who cares how you get there, if the end of the story is a punch in the fucking face then i’m sorry bruv but you lose! his version of the story is disjointed and incoherent, some gobbledygook about how tajuana was supposed to pick up her car from his house and he wasn’t supposed to bring her the keys and she assaulted him first blah blah blah. greg asks “did you call the police?” and william shakes his head no but tajuana blurts out “i did!” and *boo, hiss* but at least that might help her case?
the ruling: tajuana doesn’t have a copy of the police report she filed (girl, come on!) but she does have some printed out text sheets™ from a conversation she had with william in which he wrote “i’m sorry but i’m a violent, angry person, i f—ed up,” which greg reads aloud with pure disdain before asking why william apologized if he didn’t do anything wrong? william stammers and can’t get out an answer and of course it’s judgment for the plaintiff. the judge angrily slams the gavel down and walks off in a huff, yelling over his shoulder, “have a good day, woman beater!”
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you wanted whatever you could get, you little old sex fiend!”