who's on judge mathis today? #108

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: keena from compton, california. OKAY KEENA, I SEE YOU, QUEEN. keena is a glorious nubian goddess with a gleaming bald pate and a black bodycon dress. her makeup is glowing, eyelashes fluttering, heels clicking on the linoleum...a vision! *does wakanda salute*

defendant: weda from morena valley, california. weda is wearing a tight gray minidress with a black blazer and she might be wasted but i honestly can’t focus because Johnny Voiceover says “weda says keena is a sugar daddy enthusiast!” and i drove my laptop to a bridge and threw it over because nothing will ever be better than your retired white grandfather saying those words!!

the complaint: keena is suing her former friend for the balance due on a loan.

what does she want: $5000, the max! weda is countersuing for $1350, thank goodness. [sigh]

how it went down: keena starts this shit off spicy, saying, “i met it *points at weda* twenty years ago.” lmao this is how we’re doing it???? let me buckle in! “i mean, pennywise,” keena continues and please, anyone, throw me in a casket! “she looks like a boy,” snarks weda, to which i take extreme offense as a woman who usually shaves off all her hair, and greg responds, “i think she looks nice!” HOLD THE FUCK UP. is he trying to telegraph to me that he loves a fully-shorn dame? i’m pretty sure he is! tune in next week for our wedding. anyway, keena says she and weda met in the strip club twenty years ago when they were dancers and weda (who she keeps calling “it”) used to date all the gangsters and hot boys. SOUNDS FUN.

keena says that weda is “trifling” and met her first baby daddy when he came over to install her cable box and she fucked him on the spot (please don’t let me make a hacky “black box” joke please don’t let me make a hacky “black box” joke please don’t let me make a hacky “black box” joke please don’t let me make a hacky “black box” joke please don’t let me make a hacky “black box” joke) then met her second baby daddy when he posted on craigslist looking for trade and tell me again what this has to do with the loan keena is suing her about? now greg and doyle love this shit (“she probably got hbo out of that deal” says doyle *wink, wink*) but come on now, this is character assassination! i object!

keena then goes on to talk about a boyfriend of weda’s who threw her down the stairs and this piling on is starting to feel mean. greg finally interjects to give weda a chance to slander keena in return (alright, i’m back in this!) and she says, “[keena] is a sugar daddy connoisseur, a sugar daddy enthusiast, and she knows how to sniff money out.” weda has brought printed out facebook posts™ to court in which keena brags about bankrupting men and ruining their credit. greg starts chuckling to himself then reads this post word for word: “good evening, you fine specimens. i am currently accepting applications for a full-time sugar daddy. must be a senior citizen or close to it. inbox me only. must be serious and know your place. so yeah, talk to my new muffin soon!” I AM INCONSOLABLE.

but keena is mad, which is hilarious considering she just, uhhh, aired out every single piece of weda’s dirty laundry? she thought she could, what, bring weda on syndicated daytime television and make her look like shit and weda wasn’t going to head on over to kinko’s and print color photos of her entire timeline???? girl, with friends like these...

let’s get to this loan. keena says that a year ago her “friend” (scare quotes hers, lmao) passed away and left her $30,000. WHAT. excuse me?????????? let me go on ahead and place an ad for a senior companion! keena says that she paid off all her bills and then weda came to her dry-begging, talking about how she’d just love to open a hair business. keena gave her a loan to start the business and they agreed that weda would pay her back as soon as she starting making money. keena says she knew weda’s business was popping because “all the strippers and the good judys were buying hair from her,” but weda was only paying her a couple bucks here and there.

then a couple months ago weda blocked keena on social media and sent all of her calls straight to voicemail. keena left her a message like “hey girl, just checking in!” and weda called her back and said, “i’m not paying you back because i heard you slept with my baby daddy for money.” greg asks what we’re all thinking: HOW OLD IS HE??? and weda says she doesn’t know (lmao hello????) but keena says “he’s a kid.” i mean, what is that to a person who finds trade at nursing homes, 37????????????

weda says that their contract became null and void when keena decided to sleep with her (ex?) boyfriend. is that legal? because wow there are a lot of debts i would like my friends to take care of for me! “i’m sorry IRS, you fucked ______? this deal is off!” *rips up united states tax code*

keena redirects (that’s real court terminology, right?) and says that weda left her a voicemail talking shit about judge mathis and she brought it with her to play in court. excuse me?! well now weda and samantha have a problem, because thou shalt not slander greg mathis on my fucking watch! we listen to the voicemail and after weda says she’s not paying keena shit and threatens to “dogwalk her baldheaded ass,” she then says how dare keena take her on judge mathis, especially since he is an actor and a fake judge who “hangs out with denzel and them.” UH OH.

greg winds up the pitch!
1 he was a sitting judge in detroit, elected with 80,000 votes;
2 when you retire as a judge many become arbitrators, which is what he is; and
3 you said i was an actor? let’s get that out the way real quick.
she’s out!

keena had a car weda was supposed to buy from her. weda was driving said car and it overheated and blew a gasket, so keena had it towed to a mechanic and weda paid for the repairs because she intended to purchase the car. a couple weeks later keena sold that car to someone else for more than she’d agreed to sell it to weda. why are these women friends! this relationship is so toxic!!!!!! weda, who is maybe definitely absolutely inebriated???, gives the judge a receipt for the car repairs and it’s...for a 1993 monte carlo. keena, who was shocked weda even had a receipt, loses her shit because the car in question? was a toyota avalon. who does the monte carlo belong to?? and where is that car right now??? weda just shrugs like “oh well” and excuse me hollywood please make a reality show about these two immediately.

the ruling: do we even need to do this part? you can’t not pay a debt because of some personal sex reason! greg suggests weda (who is maybe asleep at the podium) sue her man (if she wants to, what, get the sex back?), but she’s gonna have to pay her friend today. sugar for the enthusiast!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “is he a senior citizen? then that’s how you know she’s not dating him!”

*bangs gavel*

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