plaintiff: tyshell from new york, new york. and just like that, entering the room like a good and perfect gift from above, there comes a new deity. how do i describe tyshell? i mean, how does one describe an angel???? the first thing i notice is that tyshell has a neck tattoo, and by “neck tattoo” i mean “A GIANT DEMON-TYPE CREATURE (?????) TATTOOED ACROSS HER ENTIRE THROAT.” at first glance i thought it was a neck brace! the beauty, the eleganza!!!!! if you think i’m being sarcastic you can choke, because i have a neck tattoo (i’m tough, haven’t you heard??) and i love neck tattoos and whatever that is on the front of tyshell’s neck is my new favorite neck tattoo of all time, excluding mine, of course.
defendant: solomon from the bronx, new york. lmao okay dude, i was not ready for this! a grown-ass man in the year 2020 rocking a slicked-back hawaiian silky?????? serving us andre 3000 in the “hey ya” video, and i am in absolute shock??????????? solomon is wearing a grey dress vest over a navy dress shirt and his dress hair is pressed flat with the ends bumped: WHY IS HE NOT SWEATING BEHIND AN ORGAN IN SOMEBODY’S CHURCH RIGHT NOW?
the complaint: tyshell claims that the defendant assaulted her and she is suing for damaged property and the balance due on a phone and a watch. (isn’t a phone just a really big watch? who needs both??? oh i know, i know: people who are on time.)
what does she want: $1763, a downright modest sum, considering!
how it went down: tyshell says she met solomon in 2014 on a chat line and i’m sorry but what is that??? is that the same thing my favorite catfish of all time used to reel in her unsuspecting prey?????? tyshell says that she and solomon chatted for several months before they agreed to meet in person. at that point tyshell wasn’t in a stable housing situation so solomon asked if she wanted to move in with him. while that is extremely generous, wow what a bad idea!
tyshell says that she and solomon got along at first but then the green-eyed jealousy monster reared its flat-ironed head, envious of her relationships with her kid’s father and with her sisters. solomon says that yes, it’s true, they met on the chat line, but they met in 2016. he says tyshell was smart and beautiful and she moved in with him after four months. solomon says their relationship was good and they talked about having a family and raising children together, but after tyshell suffered a miscarriage things got “rocky.” solomon says one morning shortly after the miscarriage tyshell got a phone call at seven and he demanded to know who was calling; she refused to tell him so he snatched the phone from her, they had a tug of war for it, and they ended up in a struggle that broke both her phone and her glasses.
tyshell holds up a baggie with a shattered iphone in it and says that her baby’s dad tried to facetime her to ask some questions about the kid and then solomon flipped out and smashed her fucking phone. i’m sorry, WHAT. solomon grumbles, “calling at 7am?” and, like, yeah?????? that’s literally the prime time to have a kid-related question????????
“what does she eat for breakfast?”
“how do i comb her hair?”
“can she wear a sparkly tutu three days in a row?”
“how many ding dongs can i pack in her lunch?”
“do i really have to chaperone this field trip?”
“is her allowance really $100 or is she lying to me?”
“what are her allergies?”
“did you see her report card?”
“can she read?”
“which pediatrician should i call?”
“has she ever had chicken pox?”
“what school does she go to??????”
if dude was calling her at midnight you might have a fucking problem but is there a more innocuous and also extremely urgent time of day than seven in the morning??? has solomon ever met a child??????????????
now greg is reading the bible, a passage from the book of matthew about fornication, and i’m sorry but what on earth are we missing here? why does he have a bible?? do they make the contestants swear on it??? did i accidentally switch to the religious channel????? WHAT IN THE WORLD IS HE DOING. tyshell, to her credit, ignores whatever the judge is going on about and pulls out a police report and the restraining order she got on solomon. is his name the reason greg dragged that battered old king james out? i am flabbergasted! anyway, tyshell filed a report and solomon was charged with assault.
solomon’s defense is...righteous indignation because he suspected tyshell was on the phone with another man attempting to cheat during morning cartoons? he keeps saying that they “tussled,” as if that’s somehow a justifiable explanation for the phone he threw at the wall and shattered and a pair of glasses tyshell says he knocked off her face and stepped on. solomon says “i was trying to hear the voice on the other end of the phone so i snatched it and then we fought over it” as if that isn’t...evidence of abuse??? you lose, sir! OPEN YOUR PURSE.
the ruling: tyshell moved out and into a shelter, and boy am i sad this isn’t an episode of guillotine court because apparently solomon decided to order a new iphone and apple watch on their joint account and then promptly transfer the devices to his new account on a different carrier, leaving the cost for the electronics on tyshell’s bill! has the relaxer just soaked through his scalp and smoothed out his brain?????? greg puts the bible away and brings out the hammer, and since solomon’s only excuse is *mumble mumble* “didn’t wanna pay” *grumble grumble* judgment for the plaintiff!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you were fornicating? that’s a sin, you’re gonna burn!” (laughs) “you know, i would preach if i weren’t such a sinner.”
*bangs gavel*