who's on judge mathis today? #111

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiffs: jordan and sierra from clinton township, michigan. alright alright alright, detroit (adjacent) in the house! i can’t tell what’s happening here. are they sisters? girlfriends??? the taller of the two women is wearing a plain lavender top and black pants, her sleek black hair parted down the middle. the short one is wearing a maroon peplum top, black pants, and her sleek black hair is parted on the left side. wait a minute, is there a universe in which sisters continue to dress and style their hair alike into adulthood? a follow up, more serious question: is there a universe in which girlfriends do????

defendant: haile from eastpointe, michigan. haile is also a fan of center-parted sleek hair (maybe they lived in a sorority that required it??) and she appears to be very young (can you sue an actual child in tv court?) and is wearing a navy blazer over a black shirt. she pulls ¼ of a ream of clipped together printer paper out of her accordion of truth™ and i cannot wait to see what all those pages say!

the complaint: sierra and jordan are suing their former roommate for rent, a cable bill, and stolen property. oh my god just reading those words is giving shitty hellmate ptsd. being forced to live with other people should be a crime!

what do they want: $3548 (goddamn that’s expensive, did they have HBO????)

how it went down: sierra says that the three of them attend wayne state university together and after they met on campus decided that being roommates would be a good idea. she says that they were all friends and hung out all the time, so they decided to get a house together. i will never ever understand the compulsion, especially among teenagers who don’t have money or know how to do anything, to get a fucking house. of all the fun and hilarious ways you could ruin your life, why is “cramming a handful of friends into a falling-apart pile of bricks” so high on the list? you don’t have enough to worry about what with all the trying to not fail out of college??? you need to add “mowing a lawn littered with beer cans” to the list???????

sierra says that haile caused problems immediately upon moving in: she was jealous of their relationship (okay gay, not sisters! happy pride!) and material items, she was extremely promiscuous and had suspicious men in and out of the house, and she was “dirty.” she also had a dog that she didn’t clean up after and come on, girl! the dog shit would’ve been enough to get me to pack up my biology 101 textbook and sweatpants in the middle of the night and bounce, but haile also had a boyfriend who pulled a gun on jordan and sierra and i’m sorry but what is the big problem with living in the dorms???

haile says that despite being friends with jordan and sierra she didn’t really know them until they started living together and she says they’re assholes who started fights with her all the time, and yeah she had friends over a lot but they had friends over all the time, too! ughhh living with people is so stressful! the judge starts badgering haile about the men she had coming over and i’m not sure whether he is slut-shaming or gauging how unsafe the other women should have felt but i don’t like it at all.

haile says that jordan and sierra are notorious around school for jumping girls and fighting them and she moved out because the two of them could’ve jumped her. is that how lesbian relationships are supposed to work? just running around fucking people up all the time?? my lady and i gotta take a couple karate classes, i guess! greg asks haile if jordan and sierra ever threatened to beat her ass and she says no, but she moved out with no notice because she was afraid they eventually would harm her because in the past they’d assaulted her friends.

you know, i hate to be this guy, BUT: i hate this young shit! everybody shoulda just stayed their underaged asses on fucking campus, eating their little cereal and tiny individual milks in the cafeteria every morning, sharing a bathroom with 42 vomiting strangers, and trying to sleep through the night on a mattress the size and thickness of a life raft off the titanic. i can’t even hear what they’re talking about because all i can think about is how unnecessary this whole situation is, that you could either 1 have a gun pulled on you in the ramshackle house you just had to rent to prove you’re so grown or 2 watch jerry springer in the common room with the other freshman losers and drink off-brand vending machine cokes until 2am in your cramped room down the hall from the RA. what on earth are we doing here???

the ruling: haile moved out while jordan and sierra were on vacation in miami (a gangster move) and when they returned they did so to find a whole bunch of bills that were left unpaid. i’m only half listening to this because i am irritated by the entire premise of this situation (just stay in a dorm! god!!!) but it sounds like they’re trying to pin bills on her for things that they all used, like cable and an alarm system????? lmao i’m so annoyed at this i could scream. anyway haile doesn’t have a real excuse so she has to pay them for the bed she took that she says was a gift (the judge doesn’t believe her) and some of the back rent, but greg doesn’t make her pay any of the cable bill since sierra and jordan are about to go home and watch the L-word on that shit as soon as they leave court. judgment for my shattered nerves, this case is finally over!

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “you say she was dirty? was she doing things behind your back to hurt you? oh, you mean she wasn’t clean??? that’s called ‘nasty.’ she was nasty!”

*bangs gavel*

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