plaintiff: lisa from palmdale, california. lisa is wearing a dark red blazer over a drapey black shirt and black pants, her blonde hair fluffed and swept away from her face. she strides into the courtroom with the confidence who knows she has an accordion of truth™ packed full of evidence, and she starts unraveling it as soon as she gets to the podium with a knowing smile.
defendant: alex from mojave, california. alex is wearing a blue plaid shirt, his shiny bald head gleaming under the blinding courtroom lights, but the most remarkable part of his entrance is that he makes it with a woman in tow. now the friendly announcer already said lisa was suing her ex, so unless the mystery woman accompanying him is either his lawyer or his sister this shit is about to get uncomfortable.
the complaint: lisa dated the defendant while he was separated from his wife (is that her????) and after they ended their relationship, she claims that he vandalized her car. she’s suing for the car, harassment, and a loan, oh my!
what does she want: $3912. countersuit, because we haven’t had one in a minute: alex would like $2175 for harassment. what an odd number. i mean, how do you decide that someone did $2175 worth of harassment? why not an even two grand?? or round up to $2500??????? ugh i am dreading this!
how it went down: lisa met alex in august 2017 on a dating app when, according to him, he was separated from his wife. alex told lisa that his wife was a pill popper who was sleeping around and when she asked if he would ever consider getting back with his estranged wife he told lisa he would not. lisa says they had a sexual relationship and they went on trips and to basketball games. lisa says she found out that alex was sleeping with other women because she saw the evidence of it from posts on facebook, and here’s where i jump in to clear up (in case you hadn’t already inferred it) that these people are approximately one hundred and twenty-seven years old. alex told lisa it was none of her business, then said he was going to work things out with his wife. she took that news in stride and said she still wanted to remain friends. ugh, why?????
alex says that he and lisa were friends with benefits and yes that is his pregnant wife next to him and stand by your man I GUESS but why on earth torture yourself with this court appearance today?????????? she should be in a hotel somewhere with her swollen feet propped up, gorging on room service. standing there while this dude argues over keying his mistress’s car or whatever? no man is worth this humiliation!
lisa starts telling this convoluted story that i’m not going to try to parse through because my swiss cheese brain can only process so much, but the long and the short of it is that she loaned alex money that he only partially paid back and her bumper was keyed and two of her tires slashed and she believes that he and his wife are responsible for that damage. she then says that she was harassed by the two of them on facebook (again with that cursed app!) and they called her disgusting names and said all kinds of foul shit that is so bad they had to bleep it out, and alex is like “that wasn’t me” and his wife says “yeah, because it was me.” lmao this fucking bird. imagine being proud of cyberbullying the woman your husband cheated on you with????? i can’t!
lisa filed a police report and got a restraining order on both alex and his wife. alex says that lisa lied to the judge about being afraid for her life, and said she had video proof of them damaging her car but wouldn’t show it to them. then lisa pulls out a scrap of paper that she says she found beneath her slashed tire on which someone had written “alex loves cheyenne.” (cheyenne is the wife’s name.) “well then clearly you did it,” greg says to her and they all laugh, but fuck that i’m team lisa. whatever dumb bitch juice alex’s wife is drinking doesn’t negate that he led this woman on and fucked with her emotions and stole her money???? like okay cool man, you’re “back” with your “family” or whatever but that doesn’t make lisa the asshole here! the asshole is still you!
alex is countersuing lisa for harassment because lisa made a fake instagram (can you imagine these senior citizens doing all this stupid shit? picture me squinting through my progressives with a phone pressed to my face trying to figure out how to make a fake insta, lmao embarrassing!!!!!!!) and used it to send messages to his wife telling her to kill herself. he also says that lisa damaged his car at three o’clock one morning and again i ask you: with those gnarled, arthritic hands?????????? i doubt it!
the ruling: greg says that no one has any independent evidence (no written proof, no photographs, no eyewitnesses) and because of that he has to go with who he believes in the courtroom. and because this messy melodrama and name-calling revolves entirely around alex’s wanton dick, he throws out both harassment allegations but grants lisa’s loan claim. $430 for the plaintiff, and a baby on the way for the defendant(s). a lose-lose situation at best!
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “girlfriend, mistress, side chick, wifey, stripper...you were five deep, doc! you had a whole stable! no wonder you look broke! stop tricking your money off on women!”