plaintiff: anna from lawrenceville, georgia. anna is dressed the way i would dress if i were subpoenaed to court, in layers of witchy black cotton and interesting-looking glasses. she also has teal-ish hair, which i am way too old to attempt but appreciate nonetheless!
defendant: jaclyn from lawrenceville, georgia. jaclyn is wearing a deep magenta fluttery kind of blouse? it has, like, a floaty bib attachment?? i don’t know how to describe a top like this but it’s a jewel-toned teacher-conference blouse under a black cardigan. jaclyn looks mad as hell and her tightly wound accordion of truth™ does as well. the producers have to have stock in those fucking things, right? there’s no way everyone who comes on this show just happened to hit up the same office depot before their scheduled trial, i refuse to believe it.
the complaint: anna dated jaclyn’s ex, with whom she reconnected earlier this year because she didn’t know the man was still in a relationship with the defendant, and the two had sex. anna claims that soon after that encounter, jaclyn began threatening her and then punched her in the face.
what does she want: $3000, for what? facial reconstruction?? a bruised ego????? custom-made brass knuckles for the rematch??????????????? countersuit: jaclyn would like (you guessed it) $3000 as well, to buy ice packs for her hand (i assume).
how it went down: anna kicks things off by saying she knows “jaclyn” as “nicole” and doesn’t give any explanation, just keeps on telling the story like we all aren’t wondering what the fuck that has to do with anything? is she a celebrity??? is she in witness protection????? why did you leave us dangling here??????????? anyway anna dated jaclyn’s (nicole’s) ex when they were in high school but lost touch with him as adults. one night, ten years after the last time she’d seen him, he hit her up and asked if he could come over, and when she said yes he told her not to tell anyone that he was seeing her. ummmm that is a huge red flag, anna! when he got to anna’s house he told her that he was having a lot of suicidal thoughts because jackie/jaclyn/nicole (i swear to GOD she says it just like that) was cheating on him.
the boyfriend played his sad sad song on his tiny violin for anna and when he was finished he leaned over and kissed her. is this how people spit game now??? “my girlfriend is mean if you don’t bone me i will die”????? anyway it worked and anna slept with him that night. she didn’t tell anyone, just like he’d asked her not to, but a few weeks later jackie/jaclyn/nicole started talking shit to her on facebook, commenting “you slept with my boyfriend” on all of her posts.
jackie/jaclyn/nicole says that one night her boyfriend came home with hickies all over his neck and admitted to cheating on her with anna. jackie/jaclyn/nicole says he’d cheated on her before so she wasn’t surprised. she ended things with dude but they have kids together and share a house and neither of them could afford to move out right away. anna joined the same facebook mommy group jackie/jaclyn/nicole was in, and when she posted in it looking for a threesome (wow should i get back on facebook and join a mommy group????????????) that’s when jackie/jaclyn/nicole started calling her names and shitting on her posts.
anna says that once jackie/jaclyn/nicole started harassing her she told her “fine, step to me” because clearly she ain’t no punk. serious question: SHOULD I HAVE A KID? i didn’t know motherhood involved beating bitches up and having orgies, what have i been missing out on??? someone lend me a uterus! okay back to this nonsense: anna said that despite jackie/jaclyn/nicole threatening to beat her ass she was still worried about the state of jackie/jaclyn/nicole live-in ex-boyfriend’s mental health (is she kidding me????) and decided to go over to his mom’s house to make sure he wasn’t still suicidal. you know, i gotta stop calling myself stupid because this is some real dummy shit right here. girl, give him the number to a hotline and block his ass!
surprise! jackie/jaclyn/nicole was at the mom’s house and told anna to leave but she refused, she just sat on the hood of her car smoking a cigarette and waiting for dude to come outside before finally spitting in jackie/jaclyn/nicole’s face, at which point jackie/jaclyn/nicole hauled off and hit her. well violence is never the answer but you better know karate if you’re gonna spit on somebody. omfg there is no coming back from that. if a person spits in your face you are legally obligated to fuck that bitch up, don’t get mad at me it’s the law!
jackie/jaclyn/nicole gives greg a police report and the first line on the damn thing says “_____ says that anna is not welcome in his home.” oh yeah? mister i’m-so-sad-please-suck-my-neck told the police he didn’t want you on his property and you’re over there making sure he’s still alive???? go put these clown shoes on! the report corroborates jackie/jaclyn/nicole’s story that anna came over blasting loud music in front of the house and that both _____ and jackie/jaclyn/nicole told her multiple times to leave and she refused, and that’s when jackie/jaclyn/nicole hit her.
anna has printed out cell phone pictures™ of her injuries, and there is a huge gash on her cheek and another picture of it all stitched up. ouchy ouch. anna says that when jackie/jaclyn/nicole punched her her glasses broke and cut her face open. the judge asks jackie/jaclyn/nicole if she felt threatened by anna and she says of course she did, not only because she was standing in front of her home, refusing to leave, but also because of the threatening messages anna had sent her on facebook in response to jackie/jaclyn/nicole’s trolling.
the ruling: greg does a dramatic reading of anna’s threats to jackie/jaclyn/nicole in which she not only says she’s going to beat her up but also claims that she is going to get the russian mafia involved, and man oh man i hope when she boned _____ that he gave her an orgasm strong enough to power a spaceship, because i truly do not understand carrying on like this for a regular person who isn’t that good at sex? i’m trying to imagine getting fucked well enough to do all this clown shit (punching people, going to various courts, taking court-ordered anger management classes, pretending to know people in the mob) and honestly my head would have to literally blast off my shoulders, smash through the bedroom wall, and fly into the neighbor’s yard when i came to justify all this humiliating bullshit. i would have to carry my scorched head into judge mathis’s courtroom in a bowling ball bag, body still quivering from the aftershocks, to make this garbage worth it. anyway, both cases are dismissed, judgment for _____, who had the good sense not to show up to the circus today.
did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: “did you speak to him about it? he never showed back up, right? he just came over there to lie to you and get a quickie then disappear?”