who's on judge mathis today? #115

a books/snacks/softcore daily mini letter

plaintiff: thomas from monroe, wisconsin. i really do love it when a man is unafraid to wear bright colors, and thomas has chosen a light pink on dark pink checked situation and paired it with a skinny dark blue tie and i’m into that, big time. although maybe the woman who is walking into the courtroom with him picked out his outfit, as she appears to be equally enamored of a bold daytime look in her cheerful leaf green tunic. thomas is cradling his accordion of truth™ like a baby and i hope for his sake that it’s not full of blood and poo.

defendant: serena from monroe, wisconsin. listen i’m not going to do research so i am not going to bother to look this up but i always wonder when people are from the same small town what it’s like when they get back home after fighting with each other on TV. are people just, you know, at the coffee shop every morning gossiping about their new local celebs? like i said i refuse to google it so monroe might be a town of a million people but for these purposes let’s just pretend that six people and a cow live there: do they even know what judge mathis is? are they impressed that a few of their townsfolk got to meet his honor??? or are they ashamed to have their cousins putting their business out in these syndicated streets????? anyway serena is wearing a deep eggplant chemise with a black cardigan and her nails are a bright, glittering green. people from monroe obviously love a loud jewel tone!

the complaint: thomas is suing his ex-girlfriend for unreturned property, a bill, and pain and suffering.

what does he want: $5000, a small fortune!

how it went down: thomas says that he and serena dated for six years, and throughout their entire relationship serena was physically and emotionally abusive. one time she assaulted him when she discovered that thomas and his current girlfriend were dating, and he called the police and pressed charges and the whole thing ended up with serena getting arrested. he says another time he was on the phone with his father and serena began slapping him in the face, which his father heard and other people witnessed. this is pain and suffering!!!!!!!!!!

serena says that yes they were together for six years and during that relationship they did have good and bad times. i’ll say????? that’s an understatement! at one point thomas asked serena to marry him and she said yes, and a few months after they got engaged she suspected him of cheating on her with her best friend, the woman currently standing next to thomas at the plaintiff podium. GAHHHH OH NO WHAT A FUCKING MESS. greg asks her what led her her suspicions and serena says she wasn’t allowed to tag along if the two of them were hanging out and thomas started doing things like picking up her friend’s kid from daycare, an extremely intimate (and annoying!) activity.

i don’t know, man. okay sure serena shouldn’t have punched him or whatever but it’s cold to get with her best damn friend, to go pick up the mistress’s kid and pop open his capri suns during cartoon commercials while she’s sitting at home with their actual kid screaming in her fucking face??? come on! that stinks! anyway thomas is mad and in court today because serena’s electric bill was still in his name after he moved out and she ran that shit up to $2200, a sum i did not even know was possible in the united states of america. where do they live and can i move there? what energy company on earth allows you to rack up a two thousand dollar electric bill????? also, what the fuck was she plugging in over there, a fucking spaceship?????????

thomas says when they lived together he was responsible for paying the rent and serena was supposed to pay the electric bill. she kicked him out when she caught him cheating in december (i approve) and he never switched the utilities out of his name, a rookie mistake. has this guy never had a bastard of a roommate before? you gotta shut the lights off as soon as you sign the lease on a new place! thomas also left a bunch of his tools and and clothes at serena’s place, which he’s also suing for, and this is why if you’re gonna cheat you have to be prepared to never see your favorite pair of wranglers ever again, doc. because serena immediately got a restraining order on him and he couldn’t go back to her house to get his hammers and wrenches and shit. that’s the problem with only worrying about where you’re gonna put your hose.

the ruling: serena says that thomas’s dad came to her house and picked up all his stuff from the shed where she’d stashed it and she has witness statements to corroborate that story but greg doesn’t wanna hear all that. at first i wasn’t sure why but of course: watching him read to himself is boring! i feel bad for serena because she can’t articulate her side of the story very well and the only thing she has in her accordion of truth™ are a bunch of electric bills in her name that she has overdue balances on (oh, girl) and that doesn’t really help her case and greg is clearly frustrated because these people are neither fun nor exciting so judgment for the plaintiff and a merciful ending for the rest of us.

did uncle greg say anything fucked up to anyone: surprisingly no, so here’s a gem from the comments: “She broke up with him in December and he went to the best friend the next month? Just eat the cost of that electric bill, dirtballs!”

*bangs gavel*

join noname's book club